To think death brings out the worst in families, not the best?

[GraveEtiquetteJay]

The performative grief, the inheritance games, the sudden holiness… it’s almost comic. AIBU to think funerals reveal who people really are?

Definitely. Our family split down the middle within weeks of my mum dying. But it was after her funeral

I’ve not seen, spoken to or heard from any of my siblings since the last day at DM house doing clearance…that was 5yrs ago.

AIBU to think funerals reveal who people really are?

Well, if this is the case, surely it brings out both good and bad if it's who people 'really are'? When my dad died a few years ago, it was a bit of both. Some people were incredibly self-centred about the ordeal and others were amazing supportive. I had a cousin and one of dad's friends who complained to me at every aspect of the funeral arrangements (which they were not contributing to in organisation or financially), and I had others who truly rallied around my mum and my sisters and have continued to support my mum for years afterwards.

It's amazing how many turn into vultures when the house clearance needs to happen or even before the person has died

my daughter worked in a care home, and she said some people never saw anyone from one year's end to the next, but when the person died, the relatives came out of the woodwork. Worse still, they were like vultures squabbling over the few possessions the people had.
When my grandmother died, the aunt-in-law was walking around with a valuation book, seeing what was worth having
. I still think my fil got it right; three years in a care home and only my partner and I visited him, so he said when he died he wanted no funeral. they took him to the crematorium, and we collected him later.

You mean some families obviously.

I recently lost my father and me and my siblings have never been closer to be honest.

Absolutely. Tearful theatrical poetry readings from siblings who visited my poor old parent once a year for half an hour.

Grief tourists.

If you didn’t care to stay in contact or visit when I’m alive don’t bother when I’m dead.

Stressful situations strip away some of the sheen of civility which people generally use in everyday life, and exposes whatever is underneath - the good and the bad.

That's why different people going through the same thing react in different ways. Their personality, life experiences and moral code all shape their response.

I have seen families arguing over inheritance, including the deceased's personal possessions.
On the other hand, i recently organised my son's funeral and people were kind and helpful.

I agree it can bring out both. I just meant that the pressure of a funeral tends to magnify whatever is already there, whether that’s generosity or selfishness. It’s the intensity of it all that seems to reveal people’s true instincts, good or bad.

I don't think major grief is likely to bring out the best in anyone, family or individuals. Most of us behave at our worst when we're at our lowest or most stressed, grieving is probably the worst time of most people's lives. I do try to give people a bit of grace (within reason).

I notice you don't include yourself op, do you think it brings out the best in you?

The day my Mum died ( sudden, shocking accident) was the moment my family ( close and extended) imploded, according to my Sister, I was too young too remember. From a large family with lots of cousins etc. I then grew up fairly isolated and now I wouldn’t know any of them if I saw them. My Dad’s funeral 25 years ago was the last time any amount of them came together. My Mum was obviously the glue that held everything together.
When my FiL died 6 years ago, DH’s Sister lost the plot and they had a major falling out and didn’t speak for over 3 years, we only found out they’d moved house by chance!

All my late MiL’s jewellery and all family photos disappeared when we were clearing the house, SiL swears she doesn’t have them but she has boxes of stuff from there.

I was my dad’s only family. It’s just me, my husband and children. I was glad of that when he died.

My mum died when I was a child. She had older children and my god, the horrors I saw. They were vile to me and my father. My dad gave them everything of hers, it still wasn’t enough for them.

If they had still been in my life, they would have been vultures after his death, 37 years after our mum died - not that it would have got them far, I was the sole beneficiary and executor and he lost everything to a care home anyway.

I cut contact with them 25 years ago after one of their husbands thought it was hilarious to tell me that they hated my dad and tolerated me, but that they only pretending as they wanted to inherit when my dad died - they had no claim on anything, they got all my mums Jewellery and there wasn’t anything else, my dad bought a house after she died. For some reason, they had it in thier heads that my dad was rich and hiding hundreds of thousands of pounds. If only!!

It can yes. When inheritance is involved i think it's especially ugly but also strange games aren't unusual. When my grandpa died, my auntie told my mum she shouldn't sit at the front of the church because she was divorced. For no real reason, as the priest wasn't fussed at all about that kind of thing.

I find funerals a bit difficult in the sense that people crying always makes me cry, I can't help it. I try so hard not to and then I worry people think I'm being performative when in actual fact my hands have craters from my nails digging in as I try not to do it. I went to my other grandpa's funeral and I have some fond memories of that side of the family, but I hadn't seen him for a good while and felt like I was imposing. Then seeing all these people from my childhood upset - because he really was a well loved man - moved me. Its so fraught and if I find it stressful, so must others and so I try not to judge too much.

But inheritance squabbles I find really distasteful.

Grief affects everyone. I’m not claiming I’d be perfect in that situation either. My point was just that funerals seem to amplify whatever dynamics already exist in a family, for better or worse. It’s less about blame and more about observation.

I’m so very sorry for your loss

Our family/siblings were great when our parents died, all fair, but very little to inherit. However from friends and stories on here and fb many families are absolutely horrendous!

I think funerals can magnify what's already there, good and bad, but I think it also makes people realise what they didn't do (or what someone else didn't do) when the person was alive and that can breed a defensiveness that comes across badly as well.

When my Nana died my aunt became a nightmare and basically took over every aspect of the funeral. She lived abroad and when my Nana was given a prognosis of 6/7 months she delayed travelling over until she had organised things so she could have 3 months off work. It was a very logical thing to do, but unfortunately my Nana picked up an infection, which developed to pneumonia and she went downhill very quickly after 3 months. She died before my aunt got back.

My aunt herself says now she went on a mission to do everything that needed done through the sheer guilt of not being here. However, she didn't see at the time that the way she was being was very unpleasant for everyone else. As was the complete takeover of the funeral. She at least acknowledged it before she herself died though.

Not necessarily funerals bringing out the worst in people. It’s the potential inheritance that brings out the worse in some people.

YANBU. I was a major carer for my gran always first for emergencies, appointments etc yet it was the ones who barely saw her who pulled rank and ended up causing her death based on negligence. They of course then ran the funeral and were the most devastated despite barely seeing her for months.

This is one of those bullshit posts from a reader with a three word user name designed specifically for the subject and including the word Jay.

Always saying something provocative and horrible like 'performance grief' and divisive. Several increasingly word soup answer later the OP will disappear.

We recently lost a close family member. The funeral was absolutely beautiful. Lots of tears and lots of laughter. Both we and the younger generation "re-connected" with family and other more distant (in law by marriage-type) relatives.

Such a shame that it takes a tragic loss to be the catalyst for this, but I think we've all had a lesson on how "easy" it is to lose touch and take everything for granted.

Often.

My Dad was bereaved last year (my Step-Mum, not my Mum) and I've been pretty horrified by how her family have behaved.

They all came round to take items that they wanted and put their tuppence worth in about the funeral and then since then, apart from one niece, he's had nothing from them.

Not a call, or a card.

And he feels particularly hurt because he and Step-Mum did a lot for her sisters and neices over the years. And I mean feeding them Sunday dinner for years on end, paying for them all to go on holidays because the sisters were single parents and my Dad and step-mum were comfortably well- off.

Years of babysitting and as my Step-Mum liked to spend, years of gifts and things that she no longer wanted like microwaves, laptops, etc . Expensive stuff.

I think once they knew the donations were going to stop they couldn't be arsed.

My Step-Mum and Dad had mirror wills and it was stipulated that whoever didn't die first could change the will so after Xmas my Dad is taking out all of Step-Mums family apart from the one neice who's actually bothered to call my Dad every few months and visited him twice in 14 months.

And I don't blame him.

Pot -> Kettle