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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change the way we do our finances?

46 replies

Pikles · 01/12/2025 13:06

DP and I have been happily together for over ten years, and we have SD15, SD14, SS12, BD6 and BS4.

Since we moved in together, we’ve had a joint account and have paid 50/50 on household bills including kid costs and SC costs when they’re with us. He pays maintenance (£500 a month so substantial) from his personal spends. The deal was that anything leftover in the joint account was put into our joint savings account, and in the past this paid for holidays and weekend trips.

For the last year or two, there’s never anything in the joint account at the end of the month. This is because SC now have bigger costs like phone bills, tech and expensive clubs and clothes. This means I end up fronting all the holiday and weekend bills.

AIBU to say SC costs should be from his personal account from now on? I don’t mind paying half of their housing, utility bills and holidays but don’t want to be paying thousands towards expensive extras, which imo should be split with their mum.

Reasons I might be BU:

  • I’m the higher earner
  • After paying 50% and maintenance, DP doesn’t have a huge amount left
  • Our shared costs have just gone down as we no longer pay for nursery but this seems to have made no difference
  • DP does one more day a week of school runs than I do to facilitate my working hours (though this means I have a day a week off, which has saved us childcare costs)
OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 01/12/2025 13:20

How much are you left with after everything is paid for including fronting the holidays?

Why can’t you just split the difference between the cost of the holidays/weekends and what’s left in your joint/savings account 50/50 from personal spends so you’re not fronting the lot?

And I would review what your DP is paying for for his kids because it should be just maintenance and then their mothers pays for their phone bills/clubs shouldn’t she? Obviously electronics and hobbies only used/done in your house would be a bill you and DP would have to discuss together but I would be reluctant to treat them differently from your own children on things like that because it could foster resentment/sibling rivalry.

Linenpickle · 01/12/2025 13:21

He’s got it very easy financially with you. He’s taking the Mickey. Why should he expect you to subsidise his kids.

redskydelight · 01/12/2025 13:29

After paying 50% and maintenance, DP doesn’t have a huge amount left

Well, if he doesn't have a huge amount anyway, then he is not going to be able to afford to pay for his children's items, so I guess what you are actually saying is that the SC shouldn't have expensive extras? Or that holidays/weekend activities come ahead of extras?

I think you need to look at a budget and work out what you need to prioritise/what is sensible levels of spending.

mindutopia · 01/12/2025 13:43

Yes, I’d expect his children to be his responsibility for paying for, in terms of day to day costs, days out, activities, clothes, phones, and I’d expect him to pay extra for joint holidays, etc.

When my dc want something I can’t afford, I just say no. Or I go to Dh (their dad) and have a conversation about how to afford a certain cost. Surely, step kids have a mum and he needs to work out with her how they are going to afford their phones and activities.

That said, if you are the higher earner, you should be paying in more than he does to the joint account. Unless your incomes are equal, 50/50 isn’t fair to the lower earner.

Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 13:50

redskydelight · 01/12/2025 13:29

After paying 50% and maintenance, DP doesn’t have a huge amount left

Well, if he doesn't have a huge amount anyway, then he is not going to be able to afford to pay for his children's items, so I guess what you are actually saying is that the SC shouldn't have expensive extras? Or that holidays/weekend activities come ahead of extras?

I think you need to look at a budget and work out what you need to prioritise/what is sensible levels of spending.

That holidays and experiences should come first, I think.

When SC were little, we did loads of nice family activities like the pantomime. I’m finding we now can’t afford to unless I pay extra, but we can afford £150 coats for SC, who haven’t grown out of their old ones.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 13:51

You are not unreasonable but it is going to get worse.

what are their uni plans? Three kids at uni is horrendously expensive.

Loveduppenguin · 01/12/2025 13:53

What’s the difference between your earnings?

Loveduppenguin · 01/12/2025 13:55

How often are SC with him?

Farmwifefarmlife · 01/12/2025 13:55

Pikles · 01/12/2025 13:50

That holidays and experiences should come first, I think.

When SC were little, we did loads of nice family activities like the pantomime. I’m finding we now can’t afford to unless I pay extra, but we can afford £150 coats for SC, who haven’t grown out of their old ones.

Show quote history

Sounds like he’s a bit of a Disney dad £150 for a coat! Imo that should be a Christmas/ birthday gift if that’s what they really really want? Shouldn’t the cost be shared with the children’s mother?

Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 14:25

mindutopia · 01/12/2025 13:43

Yes, I’d expect his children to be his responsibility for paying for, in terms of day to day costs, days out, activities, clothes, phones, and I’d expect him to pay extra for joint holidays, etc.

When my dc want something I can’t afford, I just say no. Or I go to Dh (their dad) and have a conversation about how to afford a certain cost. Surely, step kids have a mum and he needs to work out with her how they are going to afford their phones and activities.

That said, if you are the higher earner, you should be paying in more than he does to the joint account. Unless your incomes are equal, 50/50 isn’t fair to the lower earner.

Edited

I agree 50/50 isn’t fair to the lower earner when everything else is equal, but it’s not. Our household costs are considerably higher because of the three older kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 14:32

To answer other questions:

  • they won’t be going to uni, they’re not academic at all
  • they’re with us two nights a week or 102 nights as this is the maximum their mum will allow as more would change the CMS amount. It’s exclusively weekends and holidays so more expensive than weeknights. I can only see the number of overnights going down as they have fewer rules with their mum
  • DP has about £250 personal spends a month (after his £500 CMS) and I have about £1000. From that we pay for our own cars, petrol, gym, hobbies, phones, clothes etc and realistically I’m paying for days out and holidays too
  • I am due a promotion but DP is probably at the top of his career ladder. He’s already excited for “us” to have more money which makes me a bit uncomfortable
OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 01/12/2025 14:38

Oh NO!!! NO NO!!! HE is excited about YOUR promotion and wage increase?!?!😳😳😳🙄🙄 chuck this one back where you found him and he can get his ow house and house his own kids with HIS money not YOURS

Bruisername · 01/12/2025 14:44

You married someone with kids already and these kids are your own kids siblings. As a family I’d expect money to be pooled but there to be decisions over how much to save/spend etc on all kids. They may not be going to uni but the teen years are the more expensive and soon they will be gone (and if not then that’s another discussion)

DH and I are excited when the other gets a pay rise because we see it as a family money. But we also discuss what to do with it and don’t just see it as extra to spend

Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 15:05

Bruisername · 01/12/2025 14:44

You married someone with kids already and these kids are your own kids siblings. As a family I’d expect money to be pooled but there to be decisions over how much to save/spend etc on all kids. They may not be going to uni but the teen years are the more expensive and soon they will be gone (and if not then that’s another discussion)

DH and I are excited when the other gets a pay rise because we see it as a family money. But we also discuss what to do with it and don’t just see it as extra to spend

What happens post-education is a whole other conversation… I strongly suspect their mum will push them to move into ours once she doesn’t get benefits/CMS. DP is of the opinion that they’ll waltz into well-paid jobs without qualifications or ambition. It’s not a conversation that ever ends well…

OP posts:
Thundertoast · 01/12/2025 15:12

Pikles · 01/12/2025 15:05

What happens post-education is a whole other conversation… I strongly suspect their mum will push them to move into ours once she doesn’t get benefits/CMS. DP is of the opinion that they’ll waltz into well-paid jobs without qualifications or ambition. It’s not a conversation that ever ends well…

Show quote history

Im guessing that this isnt the only problem in your marriage, reading between the lines, and thats fuelling how you feel about the money, understandably. How exactly does he envisage them just waltzing into good jobs? Do you think he's changed since having two kids with you as the higher earner, sort of... he's been shielded from reality a bit and is now used to not putting the effort in, in various areas of his life?

AnticsRoadshow · 01/12/2025 15:12

Pikles · 01/12/2025 14:32

To answer other questions:

  • they won’t be going to uni, they’re not academic at all
  • they’re with us two nights a week or 102 nights as this is the maximum their mum will allow as more would change the CMS amount. It’s exclusively weekends and holidays so more expensive than weeknights. I can only see the number of overnights going down as they have fewer rules with their mum
  • DP has about £250 personal spends a month (after his £500 CMS) and I have about £1000. From that we pay for our own cars, petrol, gym, hobbies, phones, clothes etc and realistically I’m paying for days out and holidays too
  • I am due a promotion but DP is probably at the top of his career ladder. He’s already excited for “us” to have more money which makes me a bit uncomfortable

Dont tell him about your wage increase

Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 15:13

I am now divorced but when I was married we were both quite high earners.

150 on a coat for a teen is madness. I could understand it if it was sports equipment or a musical instrument or similar but a coat!?!

I’d suggest sitting down with your dh and suggesting keeping detailed track of spending for say six months. Then you’ll have actual data to base the conversation on.

it does sound like he wants to spend more on them than he can actually afford.

the eldest might be reaching the point where they can be given an allowance and asked to fund their phone, clothes etc out of that. We found that quite successful at a similar age:

FateAmenableToChange · 01/12/2025 16:24

It doesn’t sound like you are actually married.
And it does sound like your agreed financial set up is 50/50 regardless of your income. Your DP should not be using your joint account to pay for discretionary spends on his children. That is not in the spirit of what was agreed, it’s cheating.
I find it rather extraordinary that a person can have 5 children and get away with it costing them £500/month and 8 days a month. Does he do 50/50 with your children, or is that mainly you too?

Praying4Peace · 01/12/2025 16:32

Pikles · 01/12/2025 14:32

To answer other questions:

  • they won’t be going to uni, they’re not academic at all
  • they’re with us two nights a week or 102 nights as this is the maximum their mum will allow as more would change the CMS amount. It’s exclusively weekends and holidays so more expensive than weeknights. I can only see the number of overnights going down as they have fewer rules with their mum
  • DP has about £250 personal spends a month (after his £500 CMS) and I have about £1000. From that we pay for our own cars, petrol, gym, hobbies, phones, clothes etc and realistically I’m paying for days out and holidays too
  • I am due a promotion but DP is probably at the top of his career ladder. He’s already excited for “us” to have more money which makes me a bit uncomfortable

But if you can afford it, what's the problem?
They are your children's siblings

Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 16:46

Thundertoast · 01/12/2025 15:12

Im guessing that this isnt the only problem in your marriage, reading between the lines, and thats fuelling how you feel about the money, understandably. How exactly does he envisage them just waltzing into good jobs? Do you think he's changed since having two kids with you as the higher earner, sort of... he's been shielded from reality a bit and is now used to not putting the effort in, in various areas of his life?

Show quote history

There’s not a huge amount of difference between our earnings, it’s just he has the instant £500 going out for CMS so has less left. I love SC loads, but their work ethic is not great, and unfortunately as they’ve got older, they are very good at pulling DP’s heartstrings about how their mum doesn’t buy them anything (probably true) and their mates have so much more (probably not true).

OP posts:
Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 16:46

Praying4Peace · 01/12/2025 16:32

But if you can afford it, what's the problem?
They are your children's siblings

Show quote history

The problem is I can’t afford all this AND what I want to spend the money on, which is nice family experiences my own DC also benefit from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 16:47

Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 15:13

I am now divorced but when I was married we were both quite high earners.

150 on a coat for a teen is madness. I could understand it if it was sports equipment or a musical instrument or similar but a coat!?!

I’d suggest sitting down with your dh and suggesting keeping detailed track of spending for say six months. Then you’ll have actual data to base the conversation on.

it does sound like he wants to spend more on them than he can actually afford.

the eldest might be reaching the point where they can be given an allowance and asked to fund their phone, clothes etc out of that. We found that quite successful at a similar age:

The thing is with the allowance, is shouldn’t some of the £6000 CMS their mum gets every year go towards that kind of stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pikles · 01/12/2025 16:59

FateAmenableToChange · 01/12/2025 16:24

It doesn’t sound like you are actually married.
And it does sound like your agreed financial set up is 50/50 regardless of your income. Your DP should not be using your joint account to pay for discretionary spends on his children. That is not in the spirit of what was agreed, it’s cheating.
I find it rather extraordinary that a person can have 5 children and get away with it costing them £500/month and 8 days a month. Does he do 50/50 with your children, or is that mainly you too?

We’re not married, precisely because of financial reasons.

It’s not £500 a month, it’s that plus about £300 for their toiletries, phones and clubs, plus the actual cost of housing, feeding and entertaining them, plus these additional costs which seem to come to £2-500 a month. It’s a lot.

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 01/12/2025 17:00

You should have equal amounts of spending money.

Bruisername · 01/12/2025 17:06

Cms isn’t to cover all of the kids costs though - do you expect their mum to buy everything? That’s supposed to help with her housing and feeding them too for the 5/7 of the time she has them.

given how young they were when you got together you seem to hold them in a lot of contempt.