To change the way we do our finances?

[Pikles]

DP and I have been happily together for over ten years, and we have SD15, SD14, SS12, BD6 and BS4.

Since we moved in together, we’ve had a joint account and have paid 50/50 on household bills including kid costs and SC costs when they’re with us. He pays maintenance (£500 a month so substantial) from his personal spends. The deal was that anything leftover in the joint account was put into our joint savings account, and in the past this paid for holidays and weekend trips.

For the last year or two, there’s never anything in the joint account at the end of the month. This is because SC now have bigger costs like phone bills, tech and expensive clubs and clothes. This means I end up fronting all the holiday and weekend bills.

AIBU to say SC costs should be from his personal account from now on? I don’t mind paying half of their housing, utility bills and holidays but don’t want to be paying thousands towards expensive extras, which imo should be split with their mum.

Reasons I might be BU:

• I’m the higher earner
• After paying 50% and maintenance, DP doesn’t have a huge amount left
• Our shared costs have just gone down as we no longer pay for nursery but this seems to have made no difference
• DP does one more day a week of school runs than I do to facilitate my working hours (though this means I have a day a week off, which has saved us childcare costs)

But saying all that - do you end up buying your kids stuff outside the 50% you put into the joint account?

it sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about money and leave the kids out of it on a personal level. It’s ok to say you don’t think it’s reasonable to spend X amount every Month on clothes etc

Sounds like the teens are living a lifestyle that isn't affordable and that's the point that needs addressing
(Mine never cost anywhere near £500 a month)

I guess I meant... erm, not sure how to put this kind of sounds like he is pretty lax at parenting. A good parent would have proactively been communicating with you and working on a solution as costs increase as they wouldnt have wanted to have you bear the brunt of it. Has he acknowledged any of this at all to you?
He would be dealing with their requests for 'stuff' properly, by parenting, encouraging them to wait for birthdays/christmas, saying no (because they need to learn the word no), talking to them about how to deal with feelings of jealousy, instilling work ethics in them and talking to them about how they cant have £150 coats now, but can when they have their own money etc. He would definitely not be making excuses and thinking they can just walk into high paying jobs.
Also.... 'they’re with us two nights a week or 102 nights as this is the maximum their mum will allow as more would change the CMS amount.'
He could have gone to court for this, and im getting the impression he didnt even try... but even then, 500 between 3 teenagers isnt exactly loads, as you have learnt! Would you accept him walking off with your joint children and saying you could only have them weekends and holidays because his CMS would go down?
Im not trying to have a go, but your DP has taken his foot off the ball in many ways here... The fact he chose to have two more kids on top of the three he already had - did he change careers to the one he currently has that has a ceiling, like was he in a higher earning career to start with and circs have changed? Just from the outside, he's chosen to have a large number of children but then sat back and let you and his ex shoulder the financial responsibility a bit here.

I don’t think expecting her to contribute to winter coats, school bags, phones, laptops for school, clubs etc is unfair?

I'd go back through the joint account and see how much has been spent on the SC since the start of the school year. I'd then sit down with him and say that it isn't practical and that it needs to stop. Then tell him you will be taking that out of the joint account at the start of the month over the next 3 months to use that for a holiday/activities fund. He needs to tell the SC that money is tight and that he will only be able to buy stuff for them at the end of the month and only if he has any money left over.

I guess it comes down to what she earns. If very little then expecting her to contribute is unrealistic. Now that may be her choice and she may be lazy and whatever else but if the alternative is that they don’t have a schoolbag or laptop for school or toiletries then what do you want him to do? It’s not that you don’t have the money but that you don’t want to spend it on them. I get it’s hard when yours are little but teenagers do cost more

coats and fashion items are different and worth a conversation around non essentials and budget for that

It comes down to different priorities. To SC, of course new things for them are more important than days out with the family. They’re normal teens! But SC had all of the family experiences when they were little and now ours are going without and I just don’t think that’s fair.

They have school bags and coats that fit, but want new ones every year. Laptops and phones are fully funded by us. Their mum works part time and basically the more DP funds, the less she funds.

I suppose I’m not sure what kind of experiences you are wanting that cost so much

ultimately you don’t want the teens to miss out because their mum won’t help. But equally you can talk to your DH about coats and what not and how things shouldn’t be replaced if not necessary. My DD15 buys her clothes second hand on Vinted - including her coat which would be hundreds new. Maybe there’s a way to give them pocket money and tell them they need to buy their own optional - it would be good to get them budgeting and understanding the value of money.

I get your DH is being a bit Disney here but he also needs to understand that he’s chosen to have 5 kids and that’s going to stretch anyone financially so he can’t keep spending like he is. I just think you need to be very careful not to make it a criticism of the teens (they are teens and he needs to put the boundary in place) or his ex. It’s about family finances

Rarely, I feel a bit sorry for a DP on here. He’s excited for your promotion and you seem put out by the fact. He has a measly left over sum compared to you, surely you’d want to help your partner? Seems baffling to me and a sad way to live life.

The point of an allowance is that it stops teens from nagging you (or their dad) for random shit and they have to decide what they want to prioritise.

so you can sell it to your dh as teaching them to budget and handle money, and it also means he says no to basically every request because the answer is “that’s what your allowance is for”.

6k will not touch the sides of the food, water, and house size that three teens need by the way.

Surely you thought this through when you had a family of 5 children? That’s a lot of children, of course you’re going to struggle to afford “nice family” experiences. You’re not the average 2.4 family (or whatever the stat is now, under 2 I think!)

£500 a month is not a substantial amount for someone to pay for 3 kids, whom he only has rarely. So yes, I would fully expect him to be helping to fund other things...teenagers are expensive beasts. Your comment on the mother and her £6k a year kind of gives you away a little here...given your comments on how much things costs do you really think that £6k is half of what they cost to house, feed, clothe etc the majority of the time? Arguably it ought to be covering more than half, given how little he has them.

As for being excited for your pay rise, is that an unusual thing? If you're a household, it is household income. I know DH and I would both be pleased if the other was due a pay rise.

His older children are not your financial responsibility. It’s up to him to fund them, not you.

It isn’t ‘unfair’ for him to have less money at the end of the month than you do - he has financial responsibilities that you don’t.

So this was quite easy to do and helped with my discussion with DP so thanks!

On top of the £500 maintenance and the £300 phones, toiletries and clubs every month, and what they cost in food and housing, we have had:

September
£700 - Back to School day out with lunch to buy new school bags, shoes, stationery and uniform bits (their mum buys some uniform too)

October
£250 - SD2’s birthday event
£250 - SD2’s birthday presents
£100 - overnight trip for SS’s sport
£150 - I did some basics shopping for pants, socks and pyjamas for them

November
£400 - new coats even though the old ones fit
£100 - insurance excess because SD1 lost her phone

December costs will be obviously huge because of Christmas.

We simply cannot afford to be spending £1150 a month on SC’s extras, not including their housing and food or family days out. During that time I probably spent £100 a month combined for our kids, and maybe £250 a month from my personal spends on all of the children for things like Halloween costumes, Bonfire Night and pantomime events.

DP is shocked by how much he’s spending and we’ve agreed they each get £100 a month allowance from now on which covers everything except essentials, phones and clubs.

£1450 a month on them I mean, plus housing, food and family days out.

Your DP could not afford 5 children!

@Pikles - thank you for the update and I'm glad the idea was helpful. It will be good for them to learn the importance of budgeting. Obviously you will still need to supply basics for them. When my DDs started with an allowance I made it clear what was and wasn't covered - so bog standard toiletries in the bathroom, if they wanted something fancy they bought it etc. I paid for uniform, undies and nightclothes but if they wanted something fancy like Jack Wills they had to fund it although I did put JW socks PJ bottoms and pants etc in their Christmas stockings....

Why on earth did this man think he could afford to have 5 kids?

absolutely nuts

You shouldn’t be subsidising them- that’s on him. If he has no personal spends then so be it.

Unfortunately this does mean less in the pot for your
‘Nice family experiences’ as he can contribute less. But most families of 7 will struggle to do that.

It’s always easy to splurge when the money is not yours. He sounds like a grifter.

Do they get an allowance from their mother?

£100 a month plus phones, clubs and "essentials" is still astronomical imho if they only have to spend it on clothing, going out and saving for their own birthday party [??]. That's pre tax income of £600 a month to cover £300 spends if you are a higher rate earner.

For context my teens get £5 and £10 a week. Their basic clothing is covered up to a budgeted amount and they can earn more cash by doing some serious out of the ordinary household and gardening tasks. They will probably get another £150-200 to spend on nice clothing or other stuff as a birthday present. They manage fine and it's taught them to consider what they are spending money on. £10 in Boots goes further than Starbucks.

Ultimately, given their ages it is sensible to start them in the habit of saving now especially if they a) are not academic and b) are not being encouraged to be self starters by either of their parents.

Well I guess you need him to look at his incomings and his outgoings. His outgoings being cms, the teens, his coats and half your kids costs.

it’s not unusual in a nuclear family for a bit more to be spent on teens but if you won’t tolerate that then you can say so

and then what he has left - is it enough to pay for half of these experiences you want (or more as he has to pay for 4/6)