Really struggling tonight - struggling after returning to work

[Matsaver25]

I am very close to resigning from my job, as I don’t know how much more I can take of being pulled in every direction.

I adore my life, I have 3 wonderful children, the youngest being 8 months. I’ve worked hard for my career, and have done well in all my roles.

But I am struggling and tonight it’s all come to a head. My baby doesn’t sleep in the day (or night) and everything has got on top of me. My DH is amazing and is very supportive and pulls his weight massively.

but he’s just entered a new job as he was made redundant in the summer. I went back to work 4 weeks ago ( went back early because of the redundancy), so entering my 5th week, and every week one child has been unwell or there have been childcare issues. I have to travel into the office tomorrow and now my baby is showing signs of a rising temp (still below 38 but rising). She’s at nursery but obviously this will be the 5th week I will likely have to go and pick a child up if her temp hasn’t risen overnight. I have back-to-back meetings all day and I cancelled them from last week when my son was poorly and I had to go and get him!

they haven’t been unwell for 9 months that I’ve been off and I just feel like I am being the crappest mum, wife and employee at the moment. Long term, I can’t do my job anyway as they are implementing changes and I won’t be able to travel more than once a week, but there is only so much I feel I can take of this right now.

obviously my children will always be my priority, that goes without saying. But it doesn’t take the pressure away.

I have a side - hustle where, if I really put time and effort in would allow me to get by while looking for a more local job but all I want to do tonight is resign. ☹️ I know it won’t help immediately as I have a notice period, but what else can I do! I don’t want to go off sick as I’ve got big project work and my ethos isn’t just to drop that, but I can’t do it all.

i am very tied and emotional, so need somebody with a bit of sanity to lend a friendly hand 🫂 thank you!

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you get lots of replies and advice from Mumsnet

Can you afford to resign?

if your husband isn't working as he's been made redundant why isn't he covering childcare? Have I missed something?

eta - sorry I didn't see he was working again

Thank you @isyouready .

@TheatricalLife yes for a few months while I found a more local role. But I have a 3 month notice so that doesn’t really help me right now!

@MostlyHappyMummy he started a new role in October

@MostlyHappyMummy we want to protect his role as much as possible where he’s the higher earner x

It clearly states in the OP that her DH has just started a new job after being made redundant. It’s really hard when they start nursery as they get all the bugs however it gets better. Not sure the best thing to do is to resign with nothing else lined up as your DH is new in his job too, probably on probation and with 3 kids, money worries is more stressful than this. I hope you figure something out

Hang in there. The first 3 months are a nightmare when returning to work, especially at this time of year with all the bugs/ colds etc. Everyone is tired, and everything feels so much worse when tired.

Don’t resign, it will get better.
Be honest with your line manager, offer to take unpaid leave if necessary, to give yourself some breathing space. A decent employer with a good employee (which it sounds like you are) will be understanding.

I promise you it will get better! Hugs!

OP I assume you’re returning to work after mat leave ?
If it was me, I’d go off sick with stress for a while until things settle down. Maybe not a fantastic suggestion but preferable to leaving your job and gives you some time to think. Especially when you've worked so hard to get there.

This is crap advice. Just be straight with your employer and try to come up with solutions together.

Three months notice is a long time and by the time you get to that point, you may well be back in the swing of things and your little one might he sleeping better. It's a really tough place to be and a really hard decision to make. Personally, I think I'd try and tough it out for now. The job market isn't great, unless you have something in mind already?
You do have my sympathies.

It’s the worst when they first start nursery and I remember feeling exactly the same as you - mum guilt, work guilt, always feeling you’re letting somebody down. You are doing great and the best that you can do, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. Hang in there, it does get better and it does get easier.

When you are going through hell - keep going!

I remember the place that you are in - it was stressful and exhausting. But it is temporary. And it does get easier.

Repeat after me:-

I am doing the best the best that I can and that is all I can do.

Some great advice on here already, I know people are urging you to stay, and it’s good to be honest with nice flexible bosses etc, but you mentioned a side hustle that could be really great, it does sound like you might want to pursue that. When I’m in a tricky situation I think to myself “What would I do if my decision didn’t affect anyone else?” That is usually what your heart really wants. Do you have savings/DH salary enough for you to just be a mum for a bit and try to get the side hustle going? U are also entitled to 3 months off with stress with a doctors note so you can give your notice and not go off with stress if needed. That’s the advantage of being employed rather than freelance. Use it while you can?

Thank you all, and thank you @Mumofteenandtween - i read that last sentence a few times 🥹

I’ve asked if I can wfh tomorrow, but if she can’t go to nursery I’m not sure what I will do. Having only been back 4 weeks, I feel like I’m taking liberties. I may ask my manager if I can speak with her in the morning And discuss how I am feeling. I can leave my project half done, but at this rate something will need to give as I’m not looking after myself at all.

i appreciate all of the advice. I also appreciate there are far worse situations to be in, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s hard to see the light!

I understand exactly what you’re going through - I’ve been there. sounds like you went back too soon. I wouldnt resign right away without some security. Could you apply for unpaid leave https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave or maybe ask about flexible part time working?

I appreciate you need to protect your DHs job as his is higher paid. But that doesn't mean he should never be the one staying home with I'll kids. This week sounds particularly busy for you, perhaps this is the one he stays off for?

@YourAquaLion i would love to pursue this, it would give me the balance i so desperately need! But it’s not a guranteed income and that worries me

@MaJoady absolutely, he would do his fare share, but he’s on a flight to the Channel Islands tomorrow so not really fair for him to cancel that!

@MaJoady also, my baby isn’t taking milk at nursery and is refusing a bottle so is quite difficult to settle still. 😭

Please talk to your manager.
The fact that you are beating yourself up about this, tells me a lot.
They may be more understanding that you think they will be.
If you were in my team, I would want to support you and as you say, at the moment, you are doing your best, but family illness is tipping you over into the ‘can’t cope’ territory. Good employees are hard to find!

The side hustle can still grow, but I really wouldn’t rush to hand in your notice, especially with your husband being still in his probation period.

I hope the baby is better soon.

Oh @Matsaver25 massive unmumsnettyhugs. You are literally in the trenches. The very worst bit right now. It will get better. It will. Your baby will adapt eventually. They will have a much better immune system once at school too.

its bug central at the minute. I feel you I’ve just lost £600 from next months pay having to take time off sick for me and my toddler last week 😩

would you be able to discuss with work maybe part time work? 3 days? Give you a bit of breathing space?

for little one right now dose up on calpol and Nurofen. Give both doses in the morning and this will hopefully buy you 4/5 hours. Does your nursery give a dose too? Ours dose and that was just long enough for me to do a days work. It’s shit. Really shit. But needs sort of must.

Thank you @oustedbymymate, I will definitely give the double dose and hope I can get a few hours out of nursery!

I should have said, sorry tired and overstimulated brain, I am only working 3 days a week at the moment as I’m taking accrued annual leave. But every Tuesday I’ve had a call, without fail for the past 4 weeks and then by the next week it’s another child who is ill!

If you’ve got appropriate savings or DH stable income, consider taking the risk? It does sound like a lot having 3 kids and even having a job tho, I only have one kid and it’s mental being full time and sorting everything! Massive kudos to you, you need a break first more than anything.

@YourAquaLion she was our beautiful surprise after 2 wonderful boys and I wouldn’t swap my family for the world, but I’ve lost my way a bit. I used to be so organised, tidy and on top of things.

I’ve not even started the Christmas shopping yet as I just feel so overwhelmed. If I get 10/15 mins out of her naps that’s a success! So it’s full on, but she’s a delight other than her sleep!

currently re-settling her again with the calpol plug in on!

Hi all

just an update. I resigned today and feel a huge weight has been lifted. I am yet to know if they will let me leave early but I rescheduled breaking point this morning. My eldest was up at 4am complaining of a tummy ache and by 10:30 I’d had a call from school and nursery. I know I will be able to get another job in my field as there are a lot around, but still was emotional.

I will do the best I can during my notice and then take some time to focus on me. Thank you all for your support.