To give DD more independence?

[Kimchi55]

DD is 9 (10 in 2 months time) and she has started not wanting to pop out to the shop with me if we need the odd thing, or if I need to put a load of washing on at the launderette (launderette is across the road, you can see it from our window, and the shop is on the corner of the road).

I've allowed her to stay at home recently, and she has a way of contacting me if need be, although she often stays doing whatever it is she was doing when I left - a few times she has video called or text me while I'm there (nothing wrong, just wanted to) but not every time.

She's happy and comfortable with this and it was her pushing for it.

I timed myself on my phone a few times and the shop trip takes an average 7-10 mins, so not long at all. Launderette is similar as I go and put the wash on and then I'm back home until it's time to bring stuff back to dry/put stuff in tumble drier etc. She was always moaning about having to go there and back and back again and back again with me!

Anyway, my ex her dad, who barely sees her, has got wind that I've been doing this and has kicked off at me. He says I'm a neglectful parent who is putting his daughter at risk and I clearly don't care about her safety and should be reported to social services etc.

I pointed out that her school (5 mins walk away), actually allow the Year 5/Year 6 children to walk to and from school on their own. DD doesn't yet, I usually let her walk ahead of me and walk behind right now, unless she sees a friend up ahead on the way then she runs up to them and off they go. It's 0.2 miles!

She went to a friend's house after school and said friend lives a few houses up the road of the school and walks home alone, so DD walked with her to her house.

Anyway, he's basically said that only parents who don't care about their children let them do that and any decent parent would be walking them to school or driving them.

My argument is that in Year 7 the majority of children won't be wanting their parents walking them or getting the bus anymore and they need to build up some responsibility, trust, and independence over the coming years rather than being thrown in at the deep end. He basically said that even in secondary school they should be getting picked up by parents.

He's then gone on to say that I'm putting her in danger and the country isn't safe for her (I believe he's fallen into dangerous territory here as his words are "aren't safe for white women and girls"!!) and that if anything happens to DD because I left her alone at all then he will "avenge her" and "happily sleep on a blue mat for the rest of his life" - this is a threat to kill, no? It isn't the first time he's said he'll spend the rest of his life in prison if anything happens to her in my care.

So, AIBU in leaving her alone for 10 mins or in believing in fostering independence as they move up towards secondary?

And... What am I supposed to do about her dad?

Nothing wrong in what you're doing. Seek legal advice re her father. He sounds mentally unstable.

Why not just bring her? Hardly onerous and a bit of fresh air is always a good thing

I mean there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing
but just seems a bit weird not to get her out the house with you when you go

Of course it's fine it's good for her to learn a bit of independence.

Sometimes it's not worth the argument as she gets really stroppy about going. This isn't every time I go out that I leave her, but sometimes she just isn't in the mood. We go out to the park still and do other things together.

She’s 9… she doesn’t get to act stroppy and get her way!

if you want her to come, she comes

I think this is perfectly fine and age appropriate and your DD's dad sounds a bit unhinged. Provided you think she's sensible enough not to do anything silly while you are out I can't see why there should be any concerns.

So she is year 5? As long as she is very sensible, I would do this, locking the front door (not locking her in, locking others out) telling her not to open the door if bell rings. Our year 5/6 can walk home by themselves, I haven't let DD do this yet (just turned 10) but more due to idiot drivers especially at school drop off/pick up times plus getting dark early - she will start after Easter next year.

Sounds fine our job as parents is to equip our children to be independent and look after themselves and become fully functioning adults and that is a slow step by step process

BUT you lead it not her at this age - her leading I think comes later at 13 for now it is what you are comfortable with

If it was something that absolutely has to be done, like going to school, or we've arranged to visit family sure, or a bigger shopping trip etc, but I don't think it's worth dragging her out to the shop for 10 mins every time if she's happy and safe at home. At what age do you stop making them come with you every time you go out? I feel like we're in a middling transitional age at the moment where eventually she'll be old enough to stay home for longer/go out with friends on her own after school or at the weekend, and I'm just trying to build that up as well. It seemed like a good compromise to start with.

You sound very sensible and it’s a good idea to slowly build up independence otherwise secondary school might be a big shock.

Her Dad sounds totally unhinged. I suspect he’d find fault with anything you do. At age 11/12 it’s normal to take the tube/bus to school unaccompanied and stay home all day whilst parents are at work so starting to build up gradually from around 9 with 10 minutes home alone sounds perfect IMO.

Crack on!

Your DD's dad needs a head wobble. Maybe it's different in his area/country?

Sounds fine to me. You are assessing your DD to be sensible and able to function for 10+ minutes in your house/flat. If I were your DD, I'd find it tedious to be dragged to the laundrette. I often left my 2 DDs (from a younger age) for a similar time whilst I popped to the corner store for butter, broccoli or similar.

Also, many UK 'children' start secondary school at age 11/yr 7 and manage their transport to/from school. It's a liminal (transitional) moment when they take on an important responsibility and manage their travel to/from school. And as you mention, primary schools prepare for this by allowing yr 5/6 children to walk home independently, recognising their capacity for this.

(In the UK there is no legal age or time limit for children to be on their own b/c each child is different. Some are ready at 10, or younger, and some will never be ready and everything in between.)

What you are doing sounds perfectly appropriate. My DD was allowed to walk home from school (about 300m) from age 9 and was able to stay at home for 10-15 minutes. If you don’t start with these little bits of independence, how are they ever meant to build up more independence? Late primary is the right time to do this, as part of making them ready for secondary.

Yes, she is Year 5. Sensible enough to not open the door/not fiddle around with the cooker for fun or anything like that. She is usually in the exact same spot I left her in, usually watching a film or reading etc. Sometimes she likes to video call me while I go. I always lock the door (she is able to get out of the door but people can't get in).

I felt like it was okay, and a couple of the other mums at the school said they do similar for similar times so... But her dad has come down very hard against it.

Good shout

Well let him crack on and pick her up from secondary school when the time comes given he feels that strongly about it.

But meanwhile, in the real world, building up independence slowly is a good thing for their development.

Your routines that are letting your daughter slowly build independence sound very sensible to me. As for your ex, is there a way you can stop these communications? Only talking to him through an app perhaps? It sounds a bit like you are debating with him. If thats right I would stop all debate as its really not up to him.

I think his threats about social services really get my back up and make me anxious so I end up trying to defend myself but you're right, it's pointless I suppose as nothing I say changes his mind.

I have a theory that as he barely sees her (picks her up from school sometimes and goes to get food with her, but doesn't have her at his or overnight, his own choices - can't remember the last time he took her out to the park!) that he still sees her as younger than she is? She was 5 when we broke up and I often think he still has a concept of that 5 year old in his head and not an almost 10 year old. Even the ways he speaks about her sometimes seems very infantalising. Think he struggles with the idea of her maturing. He can be very misogynistic about women (or 'females' as he often calls us) so I worry about her teenage years and how he will navigate her becoming a young woman.

I do worry he will make a report as well.

Nothing you are doing seems unreasonable to me. My daughter is 8 and has recently started wanting me to go to the shop without her (the shop is a few minutes away) so I leave her playing on her kindle and go off to the shop for a bottle of milk or whatever. Next year she will be walking to primary on her own (year 5) so I think it’s perfectly reasonable.

And I don’t think social services would do anything with a report like that. I have had social services involvement and they’ve always been fine with how we deal with the kids independence.

Was he very controlling when you were together? If he was genuinely concerned thar DD wasn’t mature enough yet then you’d think he’d approach the conversation wanting to discuss it and would have some sensible suggestions like not until Y6 because that’s what his sister did with her kids or whatever. But do as I say or I’ll call social services, I’ll go to prison over it suggests it’s all about intimidating and controlling you and has absolutely nothing to do with DD’s wellbeing.

Sounds fine to me. Ultimately it depends on the child/how sensible they are (& how safe an area you live in perhaps) but it sounds like your DD is fine, and I would argue that forcing them to accompy you everywhere might actually be damaging in the long run as it could affect their confidence in themselves. You know your child best OP.

I think you can ignore her dad who is being an idiot, and walking to/from school with a friend is fine.
However, I wouldn't let her routinely stay at home whilst you run errands, out of principle. She needs to know she is expected to do her bit in the house - Id be asking her to help at the shop or launderette. At her age not very nuch, but paving the way for when she is older.
Otherwise, if she spends the next 5 years watching you do everything while she watches TV at home, how are you going to then get her at age 15 to share shopping and laundry chores?

I started to let my son stay at home for 15 minutes age 9(almost 10) when I went to the shop.
He's almost 11 now and I will leave him upto 30 minutes.
He knows what to do in an emergency, he locks the door behind me and has a phone if he needs it.
My MIL nearly had a heart attack when she found out but she's also the same person who won't let her 14 year old grandson cross the road so I'm not going to go with her opinion!
You have to let them slowly grow their independence, there was nothing wrong with allowing her to stay home for a short amount of time, your ex sounds very hard work.