How do I get over this? It’s gut wrenching and horrible

[Lillymayedwards]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, he’s never been one for big romantic gestures but for the few months or so he has been over romantic, and practically perfect in every way. Planning dates, nights out, bringing me flowers, running me baths….I have been in an absolute happy bubble to the point it’s been so perfect more than it ever has been in 2 years.

Well until 2 weeks ago when I got a message from another woman on Facebook telling me that she was also seeing my boyfriend!! I asked him about it and he denied it out right. A day later I asked him again and then he admitted it and said he had been messaging her everyday and they have got close but nothings happened between them. I am not sure I believe this but I can’t prove they’ve done anything either the girl has blocked me and I can’t ask her.

Im not sure what to do yet stay or leave or even if he wants me too. But that’s not what I’m actually here asking, I just have an absolute gut wrenching horrid pain over this and I’m crying pretty much everyday since I found out. I have an absolute jealous feeling towards this girl that he’s now saying he likes her so much and I’ve looked at her on Facebook before I got blocked she’s stunning. I have had break ups before but never ever felt this betrayed I cannot get out of this horrible feeling, I feel numb and depressed and I don’t even know if he has fully cheated. Why is this such an extreme reaction? I can barely function it’s like I’ve gone from perfect life to absolutely depressed!

You're shocked because someone you trusted and planned a future with cheated on you and lied about it, all when you absolutely least expected it. You may be grieving for the good parts of the relationship AND for the happy future you thought you and this guy might have together. And this person you loved and counted on has been lying to you and breaking your trust for who knows how long - and MORE so just as you thought the relationship was getting better and more serious. This may be a big difference if your other relationships kind of broke up by mutual consent, via an honest discussion, because you just weren't compatible, etc. - the betrayal of trust makes you question your own judgement, and can make it really hard to trust anyone else in the future.

And because the relationship hasn't formally ended, it's like an open wound; every time you see him, talk about him, think about him, or someone else mentions him to you, it hurts again. It's usually best to go no contact once you actually dump him. Let your friends, family, whoever else you're close to support you and distract you for a while. Maybe even consider talking with a counselor if you're really having trouble especially with the trust/blame issues (it's natural for that to be the case). Or if there's no one you can talk with about it IRL, the Relationships board here is good for perspective, advice, or even just venting. I'm not saying it will be easy, at least at first, but it WILL get better!

It feels like this because it's a multi-layered betrayal. Not only has he essentially cheated and broken your trust, but he gaslit you while he was doing it by treating you well. Which brings in another layer that he only treated you well the way you deserve because of his guilty conscience/ not wanting you to get suspicious. He's created 'competition' for his affection by bringing a 3rd party into your relationship without warning you and left you wondering what she had that you didn't (which is a complete illusion by the way, you are enough exactly as you are - he 'cheated' for himself and his ego not because of you or her). Plus the rose tinted glasses are now gone and you're realising that he's full of red flags and is not the person you thought he was and you can't now have the future or the relationship you thought you were both working towards, and he not only took that from you but he was never in it the way you were.

So what you're feeling makes perfect sense. Completely normal.

The thing to remember is that the thing that hurt you cannot be what heals you.

If you pursue this you will ALWAYS know that he has this within him, you will always know that he has the capacity to cheat, be selfish, put his needs over yours and be willing to risk devastating you for an ego boost. You will never be able to fully trust him again. So your choice is really end the relationship and thank your lucky stars you're not more committed to him with kids etc and you recover and find someone who you can trust who treats you that way simply because they know you deserve it. Or you accept that the relationship you thought you had never was and your future plans are dead in the water and actually this is someone who you don't know as well as you thought you knew and you try to make something different out of that.

I had the same experience, I was married and had a kid so I stayed and put everything into working on it and genuinely thought he was doing the same. Until I caught him out a second time. Having to upheave your life when you're married, mortgaged and have a baby is much worse. I would leave now if I were you and never ever look back. You set the line as to how you are treated by having boundaries and being prepared to act on them even when it's shit.

I'm sorry he did this op. But you will be OK, there's much better days ahead and you deserve to be happy. Time is honestly the best healer.

He is a loathsome man with a weak character. He has strung you and the other woman along, saying the same thing to you both as some kind of nasty and sadistic way of getting his kicks. There may even be more women.

You finish with him and grieve at the loss of what you thought was a good relationship but was just a pack of lies.

The grieving is a process in which you gather your strength and spend time on yourself and it will pass.

Try to look at it as a lucky escape. Get mad not sad! Get rid as fast as you can! Then get together with some girlfriends, sister, mother, anyone female and enjoy being single again! What a cheater!

“He has cheated, whether he has shagged her or not. He doesn't love you, I'm sorry.
Cut him loose and don't give the fucker another thought. He's not worth your time or energy. She's welcome to him.
Onward and upwards. You deserve better. The quicker he goes in the bin, the sooner you will get what you truly deserve.”

This with bells on. Your relationship has run its course. It feels absolutely horrible but you will get over this.

Why are you even contemplating staying with him, that makes no sense? He is a cheat. If you do stay, get used to that feeling in your gut because it will never leave you.

I had some experience with a man like this about 12-15 years ago. Found he was messaging other girls, convinced myself that was all it was. In hindsight I realised I was just condoning that behaviour by ignoring it. 4 years into the relationship, he ghosted me before "ghosting" was even a word! I was devastated as well like you, but got over it surprisingly quickly as my feelings changed to excited at the thought of meeting someone better. You will get there. Incidentally I stayed Facebook friends with his mum and sister, a few years ago he got married and a week before the wedding, he emailed me out of the blue reaching out to see how I was doing! I ignored of course but think of his poor wife. Leopards really do never change their spots. I'm now with someone who wouldn't even know how to cheat and has been there for me through everything. You've got this OP, things are going to get better for you.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happened to you. And it must feel like the ultimate betrayal because for the last two months he's been treating you like a princess and you were just so damn happy. And then you got completely blindsided, and all I can say is, it was decent of The other woman to message you. She didn't have to. I don't think she was doing it to hurt you, maybe she found out that she was being too timed also, not every other woman is aware that they're The other woman when they meet someone. If this had happened to me, I would have tried to contact the other woman as well, just to warner. In case of stis, or just because it's a massive problem to have a partner who's secretly seeing someone on the side.

I don't think you should continue with this fellow, even though you've been invested for 2 years and he treated you amazingly for 2 months he was only treating you amazingly because he was cheating. He claims nothing physical, but emotional cheating and physical would have been next. 2 years is a long time but, hopefully you're not married, and you don't have children. Take it as a life lesson, and move on which of course is easier said than done.

As for your symptoms, yeah. Your body is in shock. Whether or not your heart and your mind can deal with this call me your body is going through a fight or flight response right now. Probably you've got an elevated levels of cortisol which is a stress hormone, and adrenaline which is another stress hormone, you probably have a headache, you probably feel like you've been punched in the tummy, maybe you can't sleep, maybe you can eat, maybe you feel weak and horrible all over, these are all responses that you're body is having to a perceived danger.

I can't say what you're going to do, but I don't think you should stay with this person, but try your best to get a little bit of exercise, to drink lots of water, to do something kind for yourself, something that makes you feel good, when you're going to eat, eat well, make sure that it's nutritional and not junk come even though sometimes junk might make you feel better, try to stay away from alcohol if possible, treat your body with kindness because it's gone through a major shock. Unfortunately, it might take a while before you feel better. Even if you know in your heart and your mind what you're going to do next, and I'm not saying that you do, it's going to take your body longer to settle. All you can do is treat it with as much care as you can during this time. I'm so sorry you went through this. Such a betrayal.

It will feed his fragile ego nicely if you start to compete wth the other woman to be with him. Dump the loser, you can do so much better. I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

but for the few months or so he has been over romantic, and practically perfect in every way… Well until 2 weeks ago when I got a message from another woman on Facebook telling me that she was also seeing my boyfriend!! Whatever has gone on between them has coincided with him becoming Mr Perfect. Realistically, what are the chances that he would have been seeing her for all the time he was being Mr Perfect, and nothing at all would have happened between them? I’m so sorry, but if he hasn’t had sex with her, then I’m the Queen of Sheba. And he only started being wonderful to you when he was covering up being a cheating arsehole? He’s capable of being lovely to you, he just couldn’t be bothered until he was hiding his deceit? Not a good man.

Why is this such an extreme reaction? I can barely function it’s like I’ve gone from perfect life to absolutely depressed! Because someone you had very strong feelings for has betrayed you and deceived you and is still not being honest with you. It’s not an extreme reaction. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel all the things that you’re feeling. I strongly suspect that she’s discovered he’s not single and has told him to fuck right off. Do not let your anger at him turn into anger at her. It might not feel like it now, but she has done you a massive favour. She didn’t do anything wrong. She thought he was single. He’s the one who lied and deceived someone he was supposed to love.

I think that how you react to being cheated on is not always how you think you’re going to react. I have a long history of dating complete arseholes so, unsurprisingly, I have been in your shoes on more than one occasion. Personally I think you should cut him off, delete all trace of him from your life and never talk to him, or acknowledge him in any way ever again. When it stops hurting, you will be so glad you did this. But if you do decide to stay, I’ll tell you three things. Firstly, if he’s cheated once, and he sees you in pain but still feels no guilt in telling you how much he likes her, he’s not sorry. And if he’s not sorry, he will cheat again the next time a pretty girl turns his head. He might say he’s sorry and he loves you, but people who are in love with their partner don’t cheat. Secondly, you might be thinking that the decision to stay together or not is yours alone. Be prepared for the fact that he might have different opinions to you about his immediate future and whether or not you feature in it. Don’t let yourself be blindsided again. Lastly, if you do forgive him and stay with him, you will never trust him completely ever again. Every time he does something nice, you’ll wonder. Every time his phone goes off and you don’t know who it is, you’ll wonder. It will always be at the back of your mind. The peace of mind you had is gone forever and it won’t come back.

Fuck him off. Grieve the relationship and heal. Then move on. He doesn’t deserve you.

Ditch and go 👍

I agree with PPs. Your reaction is totally understandable and not extreme at all because what he has done IS a huge betrayal and very cruel. Now it sounds as if he wants inflict further pain by telling you how much he likes the other victim of his nastiness. He’s a weak specimen and a moral coward.

It doesn’t matter what he has or hasn’t done with her, he has no intention of treating you properly, that’s all you need to know. It doesn’t matter what he wants, it’s your choice and I really hope you walk away from him and don’t sign up for a future of doubt and misery until the next time he does this, because it’s clear he will do it again as he has very little problem with lying.

You never had a perfect life though. He was only being romantic to overcompensate for cheating. Like, he wasn’t even honest with you when you first asked him. Your life can’t have been that perfect, the trust clearly isn’t there

Oh dear, so sorry for you.
But sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes we are not the ones for the OP, or they're just not the one for us.
Maybe don't try to not be sad, just let it hurt. After all, the end of a relationship can feel as if someone has died and we need to grieve. So be compassionate and look after yourself while you grieve. If he is liking/loving someone else, you already know what needs to happen, it's just a matter of getting to terms with your loss. Make sure you rely on your network x

Rancid bastard! Get rid sharpish and view it as a learning experience. In general, any unprompted significant change in behaviour, for better or worse, is a red flag for something!!
I know it’s horribly painful op, but he’s a pathetic turd. He isn’t worth your time or your tears.

He’s disrespectful & cannot be trusted. You’re mourning the person you thought he was. I would quietly & calmly end things. He won’t change. You’ll be ok.x

"I don’t even know if he has fully cheated"... going behind your back to talk to another woman is cheating.

Dump him before he gaslights you more.

I had a boyf like this. He didn't change I'm afraid.

I'm just waiting to hear he has split with his wife. We are many years on

Get rid of him. You'll get over it eventually.

Let her be the one that's gonna constantly worry about him doing the same to her.