How do I get over this? It’s gut wrenching and horrible

[Lillymayedwards]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, he’s never been one for big romantic gestures but for the few months or so he has been over romantic, and practically perfect in every way. Planning dates, nights out, bringing me flowers, running me baths….I have been in an absolute happy bubble to the point it’s been so perfect more than it ever has been in 2 years.

Well until 2 weeks ago when I got a message from another woman on Facebook telling me that she was also seeing my boyfriend!! I asked him about it and he denied it out right. A day later I asked him again and then he admitted it and said he had been messaging her everyday and they have got close but nothings happened between them. I am not sure I believe this but I can’t prove they’ve done anything either the girl has blocked me and I can’t ask her.

Im not sure what to do yet stay or leave or even if he wants me too. But that’s not what I’m actually here asking, I just have an absolute gut wrenching horrid pain over this and I’m crying pretty much everyday since I found out. I have an absolute jealous feeling towards this girl that he’s now saying he likes her so much and I’ve looked at her on Facebook before I got blocked she’s stunning. I have had break ups before but never ever felt this betrayed I cannot get out of this horrible feeling, I feel numb and depressed and I don’t even know if he has fully cheated. Why is this such an extreme reaction? I can barely function it’s like I’ve gone from perfect life to absolutely depressed!

The last few months of my marriage were the happiest I’d ever been. My exH was so attentive, kind and happy. I was absolutely stunned when a neighbour asked me who the woman was who visited a lot during the day. My exH claimed the neighbour was wrong, then the woman was just a friend, then they’d got emotionally close while she was going through a rough time and then finally that they’d been having sex in our bed while I was at work.

I thought I was going to fall apart. I very nearly did. I was like a ghost, drifting through my own life, acting the part of a human.

Your reaction is completely normal. You’re hurting because he’s hurt you. It will take time to feel better, I can’t say how long. But one day you will. One day, it might just be an experience you’re posting about on here when you read about someone else in pain.

You deserve better than this. I wish you a happy and love-filled future. Be gentle with yourself, he’s betrayed you and you deserve better.

It’s the pain of love you’re feeling, because your feelings are genuine and deep. Better to cut it out whole and start to heal than hope he will have an enlightenment and realise you are the one. He’s not worthy of your love. Hold on to your self respect, that too will help you mend. Sending you strength x

It hurts like this because of how much you loved him, op, and because you are losing not just him, but the future you were planning together. It's an awful, awful pain, but you will survive. It doesn't matter what he says now, he's shown you who he is and you could never trust him again.

Instead, be proud of how much you loved. It is his loss to have thrown away what you had. He will cheat on the next girl too, unless by chance he gets cheated on first and learns how it feels.

Take as much time as you need to look after yourself. You will survive and although it doesn't feel like it now you will be ok.

You are understandably devastated because the self preservation part of you knows its over.

I'm so sorry, but it is over.
Dragging it out will never fix the part of you that knows he's cheating scum.

You will get over this and you will be glad you dumped his ass.

Allow yourself to grieve for the person u fell in love with and all the associated emotions.
The person u fell in love with does not exist.
Take care and be kind to yourself

His behaviour has crushed what you thought you had. He is a bastard.

You don't need a bastard in your life, let him go as much as it pains you.

You must look out for you. Big hugs it will get easier soon x

It’s an attachment wound my love. It will heal,you deserve better

My mother used to say
"How you got him is how he'll leave you"
Belt and brace yourself and go
Whilst realising that she'll get what's coming to her eventually.........

It’s not an overreaction, he is such a devious shit.

Don’t give the other woman another thought, just dump him, cut all ties and move on. He truly doesn’t deserve you.

Dump him. The pain will fade once he's gone.

Sorry he turned out to be a piece of shit OP. Betrayal is painful, especially when you've been lead to believe your partner is making a real effort when he was actually just trying to cover his guilt.

Also the "nothing happened" thing is what all cheaters say, what he meant is "nothing happened yet". If you hadn't caught him he'd have been balls deep in her eventually, then probably come over and given you sloppy seconds.

Get tested just in case and lose the scumbag.

There’s nothing wrong with. This is a normal reaction to discovering someone you trust is a lying deceitful scumbag. At some point you’ll feel angry, too. You may be angry with her instead of him, you may try and persuade yourself it’s not true, but sadly he’s not who you thought he was.

I'm sorry hun. I know, it's the worst feeling ever. Really sends you for a ride... physically, mentally. Just know that it will pass. You'll be okay. The first step though is to end things with this guy completely. No going back, no second chances. Unless you want to go through what you're going through now several times over, because he will do it again, and you will never feel safe.

This one needs tossing back OP. He doesn’t deserve you or your love. He has cheated and there’s no coming back from that.

He would have been attentive to throw you off the scent

you probably are so collapsed because of the utter betrayal, it’s a normal reaction

A player’s gonna play play play.
This is just the start of it, if you stay.
Up to you!!

I really feel for you, how you're feeling is completely normal. The person you love and trust has betrayed you and your life as you've known it is going to change. Your future plans you had made now gone. I know it's easier said than done but if you can find the strength then end the relationship. I'm in a relationship with someone who cheated on me at the start of our relationship (I found out later on- messages to 6 women). I'm sure he's been unfaithful since. It's hell. I don't trust him, my self esteem has gone. Every time we have sex I remember him telling a woman what he wanted to do to her sexually. When I hear the woman/women's names on a TV show etc it brings it all back. Honestly once the trust has gone it's almost impossible to get it back. You'll waste you're time feeling like you aren't good enough (you are).

He is not your husband, no children, so this is easy. He is your fuck-buddy. Get up and leave or throw him out.

It’s a completely valid reaction @Lillymayedwards, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

I know your head will be all over the place but try to take a minute to think logically -
If you decide to stay with him - would you ever truly trust him again? If he’s on his phone more than usual or out a bit later than usual etc are you always going to be worried what he’s up to? I know I would be, and personally I wouldn’t want to live like that.
Remember he didn’t tell you this. This wasn’t an “I’ve fucked up and I feel horrendous and I’m so sorry” - you only know because someone else told you. He had no intention of you knowing. I’m going to assume she also didn’t know about you and she’s messaged you when she found out?

You’re upset just now, and rightfully so, but I really hope that the anger overtakes the sadness soon and you tell him where to go. You deserve better.

He’s a piece of shit!

How old are you both and what are your living arrangements? Do you live together or have your own homes?

This happened to a friend of mine recently. Her husband randomly started brining her flowers. Turns out he met someone else and was having an affair.

Anyway. You cannot trust him. Even if he hasn’t been physical with this other woman, he deceived you. And he’s lied to you.

You need to end the relationship. It will hurt. It’s shit. But you will move on in time xx

You’ll never be able to trust him again.

For your own sanity, dump the devious fu*ker.

Have some self respect he’s playing you both you can do better

I'm so sorry this is something so heartbreaking especially this time of year.

But, seriously? Run away now. He sounds immature, inconsiderate, a knob head and he absolutely WILL do this again if you let him off this time.

Gather up your dignity, block and find someone worthy of your intelligence and emotional integrity.

Agree with everything PP's have said. Plus he's an absolute coward. He hadn't got the balls to sit down and talk to you, he wants you to make the decision, so he feels less guilty.
You'll never trust him again if you decide to continue, so you may as well break up now and get on with rebuilding your life. You feel awful now but imagine crawling along for months only to find out he's at it again.

This is a stereotypical ploy. Always wonder if a partner starts being more attentive and romantic. He’s cheating on you. Leave. Time will heal your pain.

This.

The cognitive dissonance he has created is seriously destabilising and mind fucking.

Please walk away and take back some control.