I’m feeling very emotional and I really need advice, please. I am also autistic and I think it makes it harder for me to know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Please be honest but also kind if you can.
DH is honest, loyal, doesn’t criticise me, doesn’t get shitty if we don’t have sex, so lots of good things just of the top of my head. However he can again be grumpy which I really hate and he gets really stressed with work in particular which he can take out on me - nothing bad like swearing or yelling, but just being irritated with me and speaking to me not very nicely, so I never really feel that we’re a team. I’ve never really experienced this with anybody else, but I really don’t like it - I can admit I may be oversensitive to tone of voice when he’s just expressing normal day-to-day stress.
We have DD3 and DS who’s a newborn. DH has insomnia, migraines, the stress as mentioned, so from the start I just said I’d deal with DS fully overnight because I just felt that would be easier and DH would then be functional during the day. He puts DD to bed, gets her up, and takes her to nursery every day. I think he is still more tired than me most days due to his poor sleep even though I sleep in a different room so I don’t disturb him with the baby. Even though I know he can’t help this it has made me feel resentful.
I also have felt resentful because he sometimes works into the evenings and over the weekends, so I am dealing with both DC during that time. He has a big presentation next week and has been preparing for it. I didn’t realise he’d literally be working on it all weekend so I felt a little blindsided when I found myself looking after both DC all day today.
I asked him if he could watch DC for a moment while I put the laundry on. I could have just put DS in the Moses basket but he’d have cried and I just didn’t want him to cry, maybe that’s me being silly. DH said he’d watch them in 5 minutes. Once 5 minutes had come and gone I went into his office and asked if he was ready. He said not yet. I did feel annoyed and said, “I just want to put the laundry on” and he said “well, I just want to finish this slide.” I got more annoyed and said, “yes, it’s lucky you can just do whatever you want because I’ll watch the DC the whole time.”
He then stood up and took a few steps towards me with clenched fists and shouted, “I don’t want to be working.” I didn’t think he’d actually hurt me, and I still don’t, but I did let out a small scream and backed away, and he slammed the door.
I felt very shaken and went back to DC. A few minutes later he came in and said sorry.
I said I had just wanted him to communicate with me and tell me that he needed to work all weekend and ask if I could watch the children, and maybe express gratitude that I do (that maybe petty of me). I said I felt like he just assumed I’d always do it like I was a nanny. He said he told me he’d be stressed this weekend and that he’d appreciate my support (this is true) and that if it was the other way around and I had a big presentation and he saw me struggling to get everything done he’d be more supportive. This may be true, I think he would be. But I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve needed him to watch both DC for a whole weekend or even a whole day. He said he’s been feeling stressed about the work and also guilty because he knows I don’t want him to do it. I did feel guilty myself then because although I try to be supportive by showing interest in his work, and saying nice things about it, and congratulating him when it goes well, I do secretly resent the amount of time he spends on it and I expect that comes across at times - such as today.
DD asked to go upstairs with me and we sat at the top of the stairs and she said “but I like mummy and I like daddy.” I cried then and I felt so bad for crying in front of her and letting her see me and DH argue. We don’t normally argue.
I feel like perhaps the relationship is broken.