AIBU to consider leaving DH

[TheBerry]

I’m feeling very emotional and I really need advice, please. I am also autistic and I think it makes it harder for me to know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Please be honest but also kind if you can.

DH is honest, loyal, doesn’t criticise me, doesn’t get shitty if we don’t have sex, so lots of good things just of the top of my head. However he can again be grumpy which I really hate and he gets really stressed with work in particular which he can take out on me - nothing bad like swearing or yelling, but just being irritated with me and speaking to me not very nicely, so I never really feel that we’re a team. I’ve never really experienced this with anybody else, but I really don’t like it - I can admit I may be oversensitive to tone of voice when he’s just expressing normal day-to-day stress.

We have DD3 and DS who’s a newborn. DH has insomnia, migraines, the stress as mentioned, so from the start I just said I’d deal with DS fully overnight because I just felt that would be easier and DH would then be functional during the day. He puts DD to bed, gets her up, and takes her to nursery every day. I think he is still more tired than me most days due to his poor sleep even though I sleep in a different room so I don’t disturb him with the baby. Even though I know he can’t help this it has made me feel resentful.

I also have felt resentful because he sometimes works into the evenings and over the weekends, so I am dealing with both DC during that time. He has a big presentation next week and has been preparing for it. I didn’t realise he’d literally be working on it all weekend so I felt a little blindsided when I found myself looking after both DC all day today.

I asked him if he could watch DC for a moment while I put the laundry on. I could have just put DS in the Moses basket but he’d have cried and I just didn’t want him to cry, maybe that’s me being silly. DH said he’d watch them in 5 minutes. Once 5 minutes had come and gone I went into his office and asked if he was ready. He said not yet. I did feel annoyed and said, “I just want to put the laundry on” and he said “well, I just want to finish this slide.” I got more annoyed and said, “yes, it’s lucky you can just do whatever you want because I’ll watch the DC the whole time.”

He then stood up and took a few steps towards me with clenched fists and shouted, “I don’t want to be working.” I didn’t think he’d actually hurt me, and I still don’t, but I did let out a small scream and backed away, and he slammed the door.

I felt very shaken and went back to DC. A few minutes later he came in and said sorry.

I said I had just wanted him to communicate with me and tell me that he needed to work all weekend and ask if I could watch the children, and maybe express gratitude that I do (that maybe petty of me). I said I felt like he just assumed I’d always do it like I was a nanny. He said he told me he’d be stressed this weekend and that he’d appreciate my support (this is true) and that if it was the other way around and I had a big presentation and he saw me struggling to get everything done he’d be more supportive. This may be true, I think he would be. But I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve needed him to watch both DC for a whole weekend or even a whole day. He said he’s been feeling stressed about the work and also guilty because he knows I don’t want him to do it. I did feel guilty myself then because although I try to be supportive by showing interest in his work, and saying nice things about it, and congratulating him when it goes well, I do secretly resent the amount of time he spends on it and I expect that comes across at times - such as today.

DD asked to go upstairs with me and we sat at the top of the stairs and she said “but I like mummy and I like daddy.” I cried then and I felt so bad for crying in front of her and letting her see me and DH argue. We don’t normally argue.

I feel like perhaps the relationship is broken.

This.

He was far too aggressive. If that had been his boss saying "can you just come and do this, wont take you 5 minures" - HE WOULD NOT HAVE ACTED THE WAY HE DID - he may have apologised later, thats totally irrelevant. He can control his anger in situations involving his boss, he didnt control it with you. He needs to make changes.

You should never be in a position where you feel scared, back out of a room and let out a scream - no matter what you have said to him.

Do you have the financial means to employ some help for a few hours on the weekends? My DH always works 1 weekend day, and I work full-time Monday-Fri, and I really struggle with having all the DC (I have 3) for that extra day on my own while he works. After a long week of work, it can get really overwhelming to be unable to rest all day.

If your DH is working on weekends, whether it’s prepping a presentation or doing other work, could he communicate with you and you plan ahead for some help? E.g. ‘Ok DH, you need 10 hours to dedicate to your presentation this weekend. I’m going to hire a babysitter for 3 hours on Saturday afternoon to hold the baby/take the older DC out/take both DC for a walk in the pram while I get some chores done’.

I’ve done that many times over the last few years of having really young kids, and it’s helped me so much. I live abroad and have zero help, so I have always had to pay for childcare.

Get a sling and a cleaner.

I think this. Maybe a 2nd child was too much for him?

I had to look after both my children ft at weekends as well as working. It was hard. When you are at home ft (whether mat leave or SAHM) with tinies you just need help for a few minutes to get things done. Equally, your husband sounds super-stressed and unable to give you that support, so for now, until this phase has passed, can you get the support elsewhere (au pair/relative/friend)?

I vote YABU. You have a toddler and a newborn, it’s an extremely stressful time. It’s easy as a woman with the majority of childcare to see your DH work as fun , spare time but you have to remember it’s not a break.
It’s a minor issue, to consider being a full time single mum over. Then you’d have no one to hold the baby for 5 mins. Dont we all lose our cool with pressure at some point?

Sounds like you are both tired and stressed, and no wonder.

Cut him some slack. Leaving him over this would be a total over reaction IMO. And your life as a single parent would be immeasurably harder… not to mention the impact on your children.

I think you probably need to be explicit with him. Yes he needs to do this presentation but if it's not due until Monday then he has time to bash it out over the weekend. I wonder had you both communicated; Him "I need some time this weekend to finish this presentation without being disturbed. Its stressing me out but it needs to be done, I probably need about 6 hours give or take" You: OK I hear you, I need time to get chores done without watching the children. Could we maybe allocate two hours Saturday morning for you to have the children so I can blitz it all? Then maybe you can have Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon to finish it? "

My DH WFH and sometimes absolutely needs time to decompress after work but without having the commute can be quite short on finishing. We have got quite good at laying out what we both each need. It feels like you are talking to a toddler sometimes but expressing what you both need and when can be helpful.

He might be honest and loyal etc. but he isn’t kind or even very nice, is he? Stressed, irritable, grumpy, irritable, aggressive, clenched fists, not a team worker, makes you feel scared. He sounds like a miserable person to be partnered up with and I bet he doesn’t behave like that at work. Imagine if he was a self employed tradesman. How much work do you think he’d get if he acted like that in his customer’s homes? Or if he is employed within a company, how long do you think he’d last if he behaved like this with his boss? I agree with you, I think the relationship is broken. Don’t feel bad for crying in front of your daughter.

This is what I would like. For him to clearly say what he needs to do and how long for and ask if I can watch the DC. I mean I’m not going to say no am I. And I don’t want to feel like I’m some NPC in his game and for him to think that whatever he’s doing is always the most important thing. I think we do need couples counselling to improve our communication.

He should've thought about that beforehand.

So many overlooking that he came at her with raised fists. If I, a smallish woman, did that to you in the street you'd call the police.

Is he being paid for the time he's putting into this presentation in his own time? If he isn't then he needs to shape up and starting helping you out here.

This is not how things work in the corporate world!

He needs to learn how to manage his time better- once you're a parent you can't fanny around with presentations all weekend. I used to do this pre kids, but don't have the time any more and to be quite frank it hasn't affected the output of my work - I have to prioritise tasks more strictly, set reasonable expectations for what can get done, and let go of perfectionism. Too many men pick up extra hours just to opt out of home life. And for what it's worth I'm on over 75k. I also know plenty of people on 100k+ who don't work weekends.

I think it would be good to have a conversation about what weekends should look like and carve out a few sacred hours which are family time/his time to look after the kids while you get some time to rest. His behaviour was inexcusable

It sounds really hard for both of you. You feel taken for granted looking after the baby, but he also might feel taken for granted as the main breadwinner in a job he finds stressful. I can see why he felt angry about your comment.

I would do all you can to spend time connecting with each other and seeing each others' point of view. This all sounds related to the stress of small children, not a fundamental issue to break the family up over.

Nah, fuck that. He came at you and squared up to you.

All these 'he's stressed' comments? No. He's been aggressive, and being stressed is not an excuse.

I'd need a very serious apology, grovelling and a very very sincere stating that I will never happen again. And I'd be saying that if it did then he'd be gone.

I'd also want to talk about him spending all his free time working. He needs to work on his time management and spend time with his family.

Hope you're okay OP.

I voted unreasonable because asking interrupting him to hold a baby just because you want to put laundry on is. Put the baby down for two minutes! I do daily presentations for my job and know what it's like when I'm in the 'zone' putting one together, and would not appreciate being interrupted for such a thing.

It's not good that he squared up to you, and this is a red flag. Maybe couples counselling would work well for you?
insomnia is horrible. What support does he have for this?

This. No, he should not have clenched his fists, and yes, he should have communicated better about when he wanted to have time to work, but you could have put the baby in the bouncer chair or similar for a few minutes to put the laundry on etc. There is nothing wrong with putting a baby down somewhere safe for a few minutes. You can talk to them in a happy voice while you’re doing the job. They need to get used to that. My HV drummed that into me years ago and I’m glad she did. DS1 was fine and I got the jobs done.

A friend of mine who did the whole velcro baby thing seemed permanently stressed as she got very little done. Twenty years on and both DC are well adjusted young people. Nothing turned out better for her and her baby because she wouldn’t put her down.