Would you have still gone on your girls night?

[Croata]

Dh (33) is doing crazy hours at work as he is hoping to get a promotion. He has done so for the past 3 or 4 months. I accept it as it’s not forever.

We had date plans but the morning of dh told me he was going to have to work late. It’s annoying. But it is what it is. I ended up convincing a friend to go out for drinks.

Anyway, dh came home at around 7pm to “surprise me” as he felt guilty. But I told him that he should’ve rang as my friend was now on the train into the city. WAY too late to cancel. Plus I had a full face of make up on. Dh says things like “go on come up with an excuse”/“it’s been ages since we last spent time together”. I said I would try to get home early (didn’t end up happening).

My mum and I were speaking and she thinks I should have prioritised my husband and marriage 😂. Honestly it did not even enter my mind to cancel plans with friend (we had a great time).

Im assuming most would do as I did.

Just curious what you would do.

Dh knows I probably wouldn’t want to stay in on a Friday night

I would not do that to a friend, I would be pretty disgusted they suggested cancelling when she was already on her way, not to mention the time spent getting ready etc

You did the right thing esp as friend was already on her way. I think the takeaway from this is better communication from both of you. Personally, I’d have texted my husband and said “oh don’t worry, I’ve managed to to make last minute plans with so and so, I’ll see you when you get home later”…that way he would have known you’d made plans and not von hone expecting to take you out?

You're not unreasonable I wouldn't have dropped the friend on account of the husband showing up home early either. Husband was unreasonable to expect you to cancel on her like that just because he decided not to work late

I think you did the right thing.

I'd be furious if I had plans for a cosy night in, dropped them to be there for a friend, spent money on a train ticket and they didn't show up!

Do you always whistle to his tune? Or is this the expectation if he gets this promotion and becomes “even more important”… Well done for crashing him down to earth either way!

You did the right thing 100%
In my experience female friends are far more reliable and trustworthy than any bf or dh and will be in your life a lot longer.

I'd have gone out with my friend because they were on their way and it would be incredibly rude to them cancel on them but I disagree with this comment...my DH has been in my life for over 20 years and has done more for me than any friend I have and I have some really good friends. A casual boyfriend...then yes, female friends trump that but an actual DH? I have had plenty of friends come and go in the time ive been with him.

Whoever you arrange with first, you stick to

Have you posted before about this under a different name? About your DH telling you to make plans but then "expecting" you to wait in incase he doesn't end up working?

It all sounds very familiar / is definitely a variation of another thread.

He likes it as long as it doesn’t inconvenience him.

You did the right thing, I’ve dropped friends in the past for being flaky or unreliable over things like this.
He got off early but by then you’d already made plans, maybe he wanted to surprise you but that brings a risk that you’d already made other plans. Next time he’ll check!

I wouldn't call it a girl's night, or use the term date night myself, but I wouldn't cancel a plan I made with a friend to do something with my husband, no.

Nope- his loss. He pissed you around, hopefully it will be a lesson learned.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to cancel on a friend who was already on their way.

I'd have probably messaged to tell DP I was going out anyway with the friend before he got back. But only so he knew where I was - given that he cancelled the date night at the last minute, he doesn't get to stamp his foot if I'm not available when he un-cancels it at an even later minute!

(DP is friends with most of my friends so in practice he'd have just come out to meet us both and we'd have all had a lovely time.)

So you're mum thinks you should have just let your friend down like that?? Does your mum have any friends?
You did the right thing.
Your husband expecting you to sit around at home waiting just for him to come back is also ridiculous.

My mother would probably have thought the same thing. She’s almost eighty and has some incredibly reactionary ideas about women and friendship. Basically, according to her, you have female friends when you’re young and on the lookout for someone to marry because you can’t go out alone to dances. Once you’ve bagged your chap, you then ditch your female friends (having them as bridesmaids is your ‘goodbye’) and retreat inside family life. She doesn’t understand why married women might go out for a drink or a meal together (haven’t they already had that part of their lives? Who is making their husbands’ dinner? Are they looking for men other than their husbands?), and she finds my friendships with men, or me going away for weekends with friends, totally incomprehensible.

Hope you had a great night out with your friend! As pp have said, why on earth would dh think you'd just be moping about the house in your PJs? He's cancelled on you at short notice and then you've had the chance to do something really fun with a friend. What a cheek asking you to cancel

He shouldn’t have to do that much work to get a promotion. He is better off moving companies and applying for promotion elsewhere. Maybe his affair partner cancelled which made him suddenly available is another scenario .

Yes, I would have kept my plans as normal. As would Dh if the roles were reversed. It’s rude to cancel on someone unless it’s a true emergency (childcare or medical).

Prioritising your marriage doesn’t mean having no life outside it.

You were completely justified in still meeting your friend, and I think most people would have done what you did. Your mum is just from a generation who put their husbands on a pedestal regardless.

That's truly so sad isn't it 😭 was her husband allowed friends?
Eurgh I'm so glad we're moving/moved away from that thinking

Your mother lives in a different decade

we don’t serve men in 2025

friends are important and so is their time. You did the right thing

This is an excellent little lesson for your husband. You are not a support object waiting for him at home for him to pick up and put down whenever he fancies. He cancelled on you first, that’s it.

Did you tell him that you were gonna go out with a girlfriend instead?

If not, then you are both to blame here.

His letting you down wasn’t great and in his mind you were sat at home upset. So he does his best to get away early enough to go out. He didn’t give you a heads up he’d be able to go out after all. Not great.

You didn’t want to sit around feeling sorry for yourself so you made plans with a girlfriend and I can only assume that you didn’t mention that to him. That’s on you. If you could message your friend, you could send a quick message to your partner to say ‘ such and such is coming down and we’re gonna head out for a girls night.’

In that scenario as it’s half on you, I would be inclined to invite him along.

If you did mention it to him and he turned up at 7 expecting you to just drop your friend that’s really really not on, and sounds a bit insecure and controlling and probably needs relationship counselling to get to the bottom of.

Your husband didn't prioritise you, but wanted you to be there for him when he was available. You should prioritise your friend as they made an effort for you.