Should I be nicer to my highly depressed mum?

[Sprinklesandsprinkles]

So I'll outline this as factually and as quickly as I can!

I grew up with DM as a single parent with 2DSis. We relied on benefits with her sometimes working school hours. I had a great childhood, she did everything she could for us and I was always on her side. If she had a falling out etc I'd agree how terrible of them, of course you've done nothing wrong.

She had a neglectful childhood, got sent to a Welsh speaking school in year 9 when she barely spoke it and didn't get many qualifications. I always believed that this held her back and was unfair, of course she couldn't ever have a 'career' job. The possibility of that ended when she got sent to that school and got pregnant at 19.

There was a point where not having computer skills was holding back her from being able to have entry level jobs, there was an IT course free at the college but she said it was really hard to get on with big waiting lists. Fair enough I believe that, but looking back she never got on to it, surely she could have kept waiting and trying and trying and done it eventually?

If me or one of my sisters need something she will move heaven and earth to support us and get access to it. In recent years her health (physically and mentally) has plummeted and it's seen very little of her advocating for herself. At first I was so supportive but gradually it's really angered how helpless she's behaving.

If I ask her how an appointment was or how things are going with waiting lists she says she can't remember and acts absolutely unable to do any chasing at all. On the other hand she does any customer surveys she's asked to do and some recent customer service situations she has are spending 40 minutes on the phone to Argos to connect her Nectar card to her account. And a mix of 5 visits and phonecalls to Argos to sort out a replacement for a scratched shelving unit she got for her storage room. There's always something she's sorting out along these lines.

I used to call her in the car all the time to chat, but she got anxious I'd crash on the phone so that stopped. Gradually our contact has lowered. I don't live close to her but do my best to visit monthly. She lives close to my DSis's. We all have kids and have a very active WhatsApp group where we share lots of photos and videos.

In the summer me and my mum ended up having a very rare argument when I was visiting. I ended up saying you need to sort yourself out and she told me I'm not a kind person (she's said this a few times now). Nowadays I don't agree with all of her opinions and she thinks that I'm a bad person because of it and I've 'changed'. I just think I've grown up and realised your DM isn't right about everything in the world, adults get their own views.

After the argument we were texting and she said a few times "end of relationship" and "I'll just see the children and not ppeak with you". I couldn't believe she was cutting me off and it really switched something off inside me with our relationship. She's since tried to back pedal and said that she meant because I don't like her I obviously don't want a relationship with her.

As part of all this I sent a message with a link about victim complex and tried to kindly say I think this applies to you, have a read and see what you think. I think because you've had a bad time you see yourself as helpless but there really is stuff you can be doing to help yourself and it's so important you push for this mentally health/counselling support.

This landed extremely badly and lead to us not having contact for a couple of months. She wouldn't use ANY WhatsApp in this time so was isolated from seeing my kids and family news. I've gradually got her back into the group and we are ok on person but that's all the contact we have bar a very scarce video call for my kids.

I feel so done with her. The old DM I had doesn't exist any more. She says to my DSis that I don't phone her anymore, but I have a few times and she hasn't called me once. Is it ok for me to feel like this about her and maintain the low contact or should I be sucking it up and pushing for a better relationship because I know she's not well?

And seeing your other updates it sounds like it has been a dramatic change in a relatively short time while you are at a busy phase of life.

In some ways this type of situation often comes to many of us but more slowly and as our children get older so we have a bit more capacity. Or maybe our friends share similar concerns about their parents so it feels a bit more normal or manageable. I think most of us have a moment where we grieve what can’t be and how the various models of ourselves, our children and our parents can’t coexist.

@jannier pain and depression exacerbate eachother don't they. She has arthritis as well as fibromyalgia so my understanding is that proper mental support should help with at least some of this. I'd rather pay now and get her started on the support rather than keep waiting however many more years in limbo, surely that's better than staying on a list?

@Sprinklesandsprinkles So you and your Dsis had a great childhood and your mum would move heaven and earth for you? But now she's getting old, is in constant chronic pain and has spiralling depression after a lifetime of struggling and sacrifice, you're "done" with her? Is that a fair summary OP? Fuck me.

This

It really has been a hugely rapid change and I do find it hard. From my point of view she's been dealt some terrible hands which is so unfair, but is also allowing herself to be swept away with it without any treading water against the tide. That's why I've been gradually becoming angry and I just want to shake her. But perhaps it's misplaced frustration at the situation rather than her?!

She's already been abandoned to the 'it's all in your head and nothing can be done' mentality of the medical profession with the fibromyalgia diagnosis.

Don't back up the misogyny of the medical profession by telling her similar.

Yep, just another pathetic woman who simply refuses to see that arthritis and fibromyalgia isn't all in her head.

Well shes poorly, so maybe her behaviour is behind that? Have some compassion for your mother, she won’t be around forever.

I wish I knew what the answer is, only that IME forward steps are incremental and hard one. Sometimes it's helped hearing it from other people rather than someone closer to us.

@NeverDropYourMooncup @ginasevern at no point have I said it's in her head/isn't real! But we all know any pain is worse when you're depressed. That's an actual thing. So I'm a pathetic woman for wanting to try and take away a little bit of suffering for my mum while in the NHS loop?

@Sprinklesandsprinkles Mental health support does not cure fibromyalgia no matter how much fucking money you throw at it. Frankly, your comment about being angry and shaking her is disgusting. Let's hope you don't have someone wanting to shake you when you're old, ill and in pain OP.

@ginasevern I haven't researched it but a close friend's mum was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, she got into meditation and now doesn't have it. It's a spectrum on unexplained pain isn't it so surely SOME can be helped.

Is 60 old?! Do we not all want to shake some sense into relatives sometimes ? I'd love my kids to try and keep my up and going rather that sitting back and watching my downward spiral

I feel sorry for your mum.

Someone earlier suggested getting therapy for yourself to sort through your emotions about your mother, I think this is the best idea, it may help you keep a relationship and also undo some of these frustrations that I'm sure are due to you loving her.

Thank you this is a good mix of criticism and understanding 😂 it absolutely comes from love, as somebody earlier said if walk away otherwise. When we were having a discussion after our argument I reminded her a few times that I love her which is big because we don't say it on our family. Which probably means you're right about me needing therapy 😅

@Sprinklesandsprinkles it is normal to feel frustrated the way you are,you know.

Depression is a cruel illness and strips away a person's ability to see the positive and to help themselves. One of the reasons why I'm a big advocate of finding the right anti depressant, they can relieve symptoms enough so that a person can start to be more able again.

She definitely sounds anorexic from one of your earlier posts. The charity Beat are a good source of support on this and on caring for someone with anorexia. There's also a good book called "Caring for a loved one with an eating disorder" that's worth a read for insight.

One thing to bear in mind is this isn't something she can help. It's an illness, just like a physical illness. Bearing that in mind can help you be more compassionate. Just from reading your paragraph, I can tell you it won't be on purpose. The medical profession are woefully bad at dealing with eating disorders when they present in adults. There's far more set up for teens (which doesn't mean parents of teens have it easy at all) but very little help for adults.

This is almost certainly exacerbating her problems. She probably needs outside help. She almost certainly won't be able to sort this part out for herself. It's frustrating as a relative - very - but try to have patience, and get support for yourself around it.

Thank you. It sounds like they'd make a huge difference to her but she's been really sick from trying 2, couldn't get up off the floor so stopped both on day 1 and won't try any more

I think you need to try and separate out the love you have for your mum and the responsibility you feel for her. Its not your fault if she makes the wrong decisions. Shes an adult and needs to take those decisions on herself. I think you are probably very scared that if she makes mistakes you will blame yourself. Shes your mother not your child and its never going to be your fault. I also suspect your mum doesn't like the situation reversed. Just enjoy the time you have with her and roll with her decisions. If you feel you cant support the outcome of some of the poorer decisions thats fine.

@MathsandStats thank you so much for this and the recommendations I will absolutely check it out. She's adamant that she eats over her calorie allowance but watching her weight loss and diet I can't see any way that's possible. I know it's centered a lot around having control and in her situation it's understandable she wants to gain control over the one thing she can. I'm absolutely treading carefully around this area

Thank you so much and I think you're right. To be honest I've felt like I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she was dead in a year or 2 and I'd rather have pissed her off or upset her than literally hung back to let it unfold. But it's been proven that my approach hasn't worked because she's got a tiny circle and losing our relationship is just more isolation for her

It's bollocks. Pain from untreated inflammatory pain is pain and the tendency for the hand patting 'oh dear, if you only thought a little more positively, you'd be all better and wouldn't have your immune system attacking your joints, your tendons, your connective tissues, heart, liver, bowel and reducing your life expectancy to somewhere around 65' is what causes that reduced life expectancy.

It causes it because they don't get treated for the inflammatory response in favour of some antidepressants or a few appointments with a nice lady with a level 3 certificate in counselling to hand over photocopied sheets of cartoons to circle 'passive-aggressive' and 'aggressive' for homework. And they don't get the inflammation reduced. So the totally unrelated and not depression low mood isn't treated (and antidepressants don't work on it either). And the damage it does to the body is untreated.

You are reinforcing that narrative. The one that perpetuates suffering, pain and premature death from autoimmune disease. I'd say you could ask my father about that. But he's dead - as he died from it aged 55.

Are you sure there's nothing physical causing her to lose weight ?
It might be worth having a blood test to check for the usual, thyroid etc

But you? Could your behaviour perhaps be explained by ASD?

@NeverDropYourMooncup I'm sorry about your dad. I'm not expecting a miracle cure from it to take away her pain, but improving her mental health would make it more likely for her to chase and advocate for her other appointments. It's not a direct fix for pain but a spark of life that I'm desperately wanting her to have.

@DuchessDandelion thank you, she's had the whole array of tests. And actually a couple of months ago or had some thyroid removed because they wanted to biopsy is but thought why not just take it out. There have been no results so far so I assume it's all clear.

She has a list of problems which I won't name but one of them is a mystery that's undiagnosed. And she gets bounced around and had given up on one avenue of looking into it. So there's a possibility that could be causing her weight loss, but she's aware she's under weight but will still weigh out 12g of pure peanut butter, 50g of spinach etc.

She now has an extremely narrow and unprocessed variety of foods she eats that honestly seems no way near enough I'm the slightest, she stayed at my house for 5 days last Christmas so I saw what she had and it would barely touch the sides of a 2000 calorie meal plan. She used to be a chocolate fiend and eat a miltipack of bars a night (she was a normal weight) and now thinks that a couple of Lindt balls is a lot

@TryingAgainAgainAgain definitely not 😂 I'm just at the end of my tether, believe it or not I'm a very patient and caring person and probably not coming across as myself in a written down forum