Not invited on weekend away

[Happyface246]

I have a group of school friends who I would consider good friends. On Facebook another friend posted pictures of a weekend away that I knew nothing about. 2 others also weren’t invited - one lives far away and one hasn’t been very well. I’m due to go to lunch in a few hours with them all - this has been arranged for months- I have made the booking. When I texted one of them to say I had seen the photos there was no apology just “my bad”. I work in a school so sometimes it’s difficult to get time off. What would you do?

Rise above it………..and maybe consider arranging a weekend away with those friends that matter to you at a time to suit yourself. Perhaps arrange something with the friend who hasn’t been very well.

i know it’s often hurtful when we learn that a wide group of friends are sometimes a bit exclusive with some in the group. Been there, and experienced the hurt, quite recently too.

Could you have a conversation with them? Tell them how you felt about excluded and that you'd like to be asked next time?

It could be that they assumed you couldn't make it as the break was during term time. This is their chance to reassure you.

Same, holidays are great in teaching but you’re screwed if you want a long weekend in term time, although we just had a 3 day week due to an occasional day and a day off in lieu.

Had it been a long weekend, tho, surely her friends would have mentioned this?

There’s no way I’d ignore this and pretend to be ok about it.

I hope you brought it up at lunch and directly asked the people involved why you weren’t invited.

Pretending everything’s ok when it clearly isn’t, won’t actually solve anything.

If the group is big enough to have some of it on a weekend away and still 3 people not, then it's too big to invite everyone to everything. It's also too big for everyone to be "equal" friends - some will naturally be better friends than others.

100% this. Three people not going makes this not an outing for the group. Some of the group went away together but it wasn't a whole group event and not every outing has to be. I'd be happy for them and wouldn't say anything negative. If I wanted a group weekend away, or one for just a few of the group, I'd organise it.

@Happyface246 I don’t feel they owe you an explanation. I think that in a larger group it’s normal that some people feel more connected with others and smaller groups and friendships will occur within the larger group.

You don’t know who organised this weekend away, or what the circumstances were. As others have said one person could have found an offer an there were places for say 3 others.

I think it would be a bit much to presume that groups of 6/7 friends never do things in smaller groups.
I have a larger friendship group who I see on a sort of every month basis, but I see individual members much more regularly.

There’s no rule that groups of friends do everything together. I’m a widow and I’d often find out that friends had dinner parties and the other women in our group were invited with their spouses - even though I might actually be the closer friend - and I soon realised it was because I was on my own. In fact a friend even told me so when she asked me last minute to an evening do. She said ‘I don’t know why I didn’t think of inviting you before, I guess because everyone else is a couple’ as if people can only socialise as pairs! Anyhoo my solution was to instigate things myself.
In your circumstances you say two others were not invited as one was not well and the other lived further away. (If I was that friend I’d be wondering why I couldn’t make the decision myself about the distance). So maybe you were not included as you admit it’s difficult to get time off.
So tell us how did the lunch go?

Is it a case of 'excluding' or is it that some people doing something together? I am usually bemused by posts like this as the idea of doing everything with the same group of people all the time, makes no sense to me. Friendships change, people change - it should be possible for adults to get together with others without being accused of 'excluding' or causing offence.

Without @Happyface246 coming back to give any answers, it is difficult to comment.

How big is the group of school friends ?

I'm leaning towards YBU, as it wasn't like you were left out and the rest of the group went away. You've said 3 people didn't go, so was it just that 2 people from the group went? Or 3 ? Or this this a really massive group from school that meet up ? Either way, only half or fewer than half went or it is a big group that meets up once a year and obviously within that group there are going to be lots of people that are closer in 2s and 3s.

I can understand why you’re upset, OP. I think I’d feel the same.

In your shoes, I would ask why you weren’t included. I’m old enough now not to worry about asking such things, and I think you should feel free to ask. You don’t need to be angry or such like in your tone, but can still get over to them your disappointment. There’s nothing wrong in speaking up for yourself.

It might be the case they left on a Friday afty while you were still at work, but that should not have stopped them mentioning it to you.

With 3 of you not there I would think of it a bit like with kids' parties - it's just a smaller group, it's not hurtful like leaving one person out. Sounds like you are too big a group to always do everything together especially once families grow.

What do you mean why you say you said you'd seen the photos? Was that like a "gotcha" moment? People allowed to do things separately and without you.

They are not really your friends, not properly and there’s also a high chance that you and the other two were topics of conversation
as you guys are something they have in common
alao of it was to do with the work thing they could have given you the choice as you could gave joined from say Friday evening

moving forward guess it depends how desperate you are for friends what you do next
hopefully you have plenty of others
and can reprioritise
pick people that pick you and treat you with kindness respect and consideration
you deserve more op
these people aren’t worth it

This happened to me recently. My immediate reaction was hurt and anger but I’ve tried to reflect, and honestly…there are reasons. They are all much better than me at staying in touch, calling, messaging and organizing little meet ups etc. So much so that I’ve come to realise that although I think of them as my lifelong ‘best’ friends, they quite possibly don’t see me the same way. They are good people, I’ve known them long enough to know that, so I’ve made a conscious decision to let the hurt and anger go.

'my bad' is a terrible answer. Do you still want to go to the meal? I don't think you should spare their discomfort. When everyone's there, just ask why wasn't I invited.

I agree with @redskydelight and many others. This wouldn’t bother me.

I’d be tempted to bail out of the lunch and leave them to it. I get that it is hurtful.

Has this happened before? This is quite a big group, it can be difficult to manage at times. Also it’s not like you are the only one not invited.
That said i think they wanted to go as a smaller group. They had the option of asking you but didn’t.

So what happened at the lunch op? Was an explanation provided?

I wouldnt be bothered.
Sometimes my best group of friends, two of them will arrange something and not invite the rest, for various reasons. Its ok.
Mahbe there is a tighter group within the group that keep in touch for other reasons, same age kids, husbands get on, do a hobby together, live closer.

They are not your friends, block, don’t t go to lunch and don’t t look back. Nurture your other friendships.

Greetings original commenter
It seems insensitive & thoughtless of your group of friends, to not even mention their trip to you 🫂
I mean I'm sure you'd immediately understand if one of them had the consideration to just gently & empathetically say something like "We'd love you to be able to come on this trip but know you find it difficult to get time off... Would you be able?"
Seems thoughtless that they didn't seem to put themselves in your shoes
I'd find the courage to simply say something along the lines of" I know we're all quite busy sometimes but I'm just wondering why I wasn't included in this trip? "
I don't think any of your friends could object or not understand your natural diplomatic wondering
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best
💚🫂💚

This type of upset seems to be an almost daily poster problem on Mumsnet.

Facebook posts and photos can be very misleading

Find out why you weren't invited.

And if you don't like the group reply leave.

My friends are allowed to do things with each other that don’t involve me. We are not joined at the hip. Yes it can sting a bit, sometimes, when you’re not included, but that’s life. It happens to everyone.

I am in a group of 6 old school friends. 3 of them are closer to each other than the others because of some circumstantial stuff (they have kids the same age). I don’t get annoyed when I see they’ve been away just the 3 of them though…I just enjoy the times we do spend together! I’d feel differently about it if I was the only one excluded, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.