Why is BD partner obsessed with me

[Level3HotSauce]

Just looking for some outside opinions because this whole situation feels a bit weird to me now.

I split with my ex 10 years ago, the relationship ended for a lot of reasons, including some very serious things he did that I’ve had to overcome with therapy. We co-parent very minimally — communication is pretty much only about our child and even that is infrequent. I have fully moved on with my life and haven’t had personal contact or conflict with him in years. He’s been with his current partner for 9 years, they’ve got kids together, and I even make sure my child buys Christmas and birthday presents for their kids.

The problem is his partner keeps posting indirect stuff about me on social media. I don’t follow her but people send it to me, and it’s always things about “bitter babymammas,” “bad bio mums,” “women who lie about being abused,” or random digs that are very obviously aimed at me. We haven’t had any arguments, I don’t post anything about her or him, and I genuinely just get on with my life. I posted one thing years ago about surviving a toxic abusive relationship but didnt name anyone, it was a self empowering post rather than to name and shame - so that's the only thing i can think of that she's potentially seen?

It’s been going on for years but recently its got more intense and direct. I don’t know if she’s insecure, if my ex has told her some weird version of events, or if she’s just decided I’m her enemy for no reason.

Is this normal behaviour? Should I be concerned or just keep ignoring it?

I know I might be alone in this but if a Man insisted to me that all of his Ex’s were toxic I’d be blaming his judgement and wondering why he kept repeating the cycle and not taking time out to try and understand himself better. What woukd probably be prominent on my mind though is there is a common denominator in these relationships, and it appears to be you and I would them give him a huge swerve.

You need to ignore or laugh it off… she is being fed this crap by your ex… and if she is still saying stuff on social media it means he is still saying stuff to her…. While you say you only ever talk about the kids imagine what bullcrap he is saying to her. I bet anything he is getting out of a whole lot of bills and paying things and “blaming” you that you are constantly harassing him for money etc 🤣🤣🤣

1 pity the woman as she’s with this dropkick

1. tell your “friends” in no uncertain terms do I not want to hear anymore of her toxicity

Your friends and family are shit stirring by forwarding on this stuff, presumably hoping that there will be some drama.

I'd tell them that you're not really interested in what ex's partner posts as your focus is on the kids and to stop sending these things on. If they keep doing it, I'd call it out - I've asked you to stop and you haven't, is it that you agree with the posts or that you are hoping to create bad feeling and drama between us, if you do it again, I'll have to block you - and then block them if they do it again.

Are you certain it’s about you? Could be about a family member’s partner etc. Just ignore.

What kind of friends would do that? OP should tell them to ignore the posts and not show them to her.

I agree with a lot of what the others are saying, he will be using you as an excuse for his behaviour, tell your friends in no uncertain terms to stop sending you things that they see (and actually then if they continue to be friends with you both and forward you nasty stuff she’s posted I would want to re-evaluate the friendship)
The real concern though is your child who is presumably stuck in the middle of this hearing awful things about you when they go to their dad’s house.

I think supporting and safeguarding your dc in this needs to be your top priority.

Baby daddy I think.

OP tell your mates that you're not interested in what she posts. Block her socials and just ignore her.

You can guarantee that life isn't roses and she's trying to convince herself that you're the problem. You've got a better life and it's too short to be thinking about people who don't matter much.

She’s fawning. Currying favor with him by echoing what she’s been fed. He’s likely got her walking on eggshells and she’s trying to win back that love-bombing stage by “defending” him.

I’ve seen it so many times, and been there myself before I gained enough distance (and therapy!) to see my relationship was with an abusive man, and the way he treated me was not my fault.

just keep going and ignore her. Poor thing… I hope she gets free.

Ask your friends to stop sending you her posts. You’re not interested, you don’t need to know how warped and obsessive she is. He’ll have done the classic thing many men do and given her a big sob story about you being the issue. Shocking so many women still fall for it.

You can’t change what your ex and his partner do or how they behave

you can change how you react to it

stop your friends sending you stuff - tell them unless it could harm your dc then you don’t need that negativity in your lufe

The main priority is your child and his/her well being when with their dad, half siblings and step mum at their home. Is your dc happy to have contact at his dad’s?

If so, continue to keep it as sweet as possible for your child by ignoring all unreliable second hand information from your friends. When they bring stuff to your attention, tell them …’thanks, but as long as my child isn’t suffering when with her and as long as my name isn’t actually mentioned, it’s best for me to ignore what she writes, poor woman.’

You can’t control what she writes unless your name is actually mentioned.
She’s obviously very unhappy and trying to cover up what a terrible time she’s having by making underhand jibes. Not an attractive image she’s creating for herself at all. That’s her problem, not yours.

I bet he compares you both. He tries to make her jealous . He’s the enemy, not her

He's obviously telling her all sorts of crap about you. Whoever is telling you what she's posting on social media, tell them to stop and that you're not interested. Don't give it any more headspace and get on with your life.

He may be doing to her whatever it was that he did to you. She may be blindsided by it and is refusing to accept it is happening. She can’t control him but she feels she can project onto you. I would ignore it and ask people not to send you such evidence of her obvious unhappiness

Tell your friends to stop sending it to you and forget about her.

I’d want to know my child isn’t experiencing any issues with her when staying there. In that sense, I’d have some concern.

They are not the same behaviours. Calling out an abuser is not the same as trying to undermine someone who was the victim of abuse. Nope just no not the same. Have a look at the current case of the Dr in Scotland who has been slagging off his son’s victim of rape. He is currently up in court for his behaviour. The victim who has written many times about her experiences after being raped is not. See not the same behaviour.

Ignore.

Her nasty posts reflect more about her own self than you or anyone else. Everyone can see that. Your friends know it.
Next time your friends show you something, tell them that you'd rather not see it.

Soon your child will be grown up and spending less time in that household.

Keep taking the high road, the dignified road, for the sake of showing your child a good example.

When you use descriptors like BD/BM, what do you expect?

You don’t know it’s about you, though. For all you know, her brother has a toxic ex and it’s all about her nephews and nieces.

I mean, if I wasn’t toxic, I’d assume it wasn’t about me.

I think your take on this is quite strange.
you know your ex is abusive.
she doesn’t sound obsessed with you whatsoever, but rather struggling with either lies from him or being abused herself and burying head in the sand.
I would take absolutely no notice of this, other than thoughts of whether she needs any help.

Also confused!

Baby Daddy?

As all men do in his (guilty) situation he will be emphasising how crazy you were to her. It’s just what they do.

Could be bio dad which is less cringe.

OP, block and ignore. You don’t need to be snooping on her social media. It might not even be about you.