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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this NPD? Is he an a-hole or both?

34 replies

Travelfairy · 28/11/2025 23:16

DD is 9. Has been cast in a film and been filming all week 2 hours drive away. We stayed in a hotel but came home this evening. On way home I rang DH and asked had he gone to shops to get milk/bread etc essentials. He said 'no and that I never told him we needed this stuff' and why was i waiting til 8pm to tell him and that he wasnt going out at 8pm and to get the stuff myself with DD. He doesn't believe as a 45 year old man he should just restock things he used (he was here 3 days by himself).

She has been filming for 8 hours and a 2 hour drive. After me standing my ground he went and when we got home to 'punish' us he is basically ignoring DD. This is her first film. She was ecstatic to come home and tell him. All he said to her was 'move out of way' when he tried to get passed her on stairs.

I am guessing I'll get lots of LTB replies and honestly I'm edging towards this more and more as weeks go by. How could he do that to a child?

Any ideas how i can stop DD's little heart breaking? She was crying going to bed that shes so disappointed about how he behaved. I basically just reinforced how proud I am of her and that his behaviour is very bad. He is trying to get at me through her. She's such a gem of a child. She doesnt deserve this. He doesnt deserve a child like her or my DS who is also a brilliant kid. I'm so sick of him.

OP posts:
IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 28/11/2025 23:17

He sounds like an arse, OP. I would be having strong words

Ponoka7 · 28/11/2025 23:19

You call him out and reiterate to DD that his behaviour is wrong and reflects on him, not her. You do need to end the relationship. He's emotionally abused your daughter.

BigOldBlobsy · 28/11/2025 23:19

YABU to be with this man , do his benefits outweigh his current behaviour and the harm to your DD? - YANBU to be disgusted by his behaviour. Poor DD, despite it not being ideal, it’s good that you’ve informed her his behaviour is bad. Important for her to know this is nothing to do with her/in any way her fault and for you to strengthen her self esteem.

Mayflower282 · 28/11/2025 23:21

That’s completely out of order for him to treat his DD like that, how awful. But also….you were very rude to him, I think you owe him an apology for demanding groceries.

Nahno · 28/11/2025 23:23

People who take their anger out on children are not fit to be around them. This is a memory she should have been able to look back on with love and pride but now it's tainted because of a man child.

Unless you want to be walking around on eggshells for the foreseeable future then I would say get rid because seriously, how could he do that to a child?

AnotherNaCha · 28/11/2025 23:29

That’s so horrible. Sorry for your DD. And you. I have had a lot of experience with this (sadly). I know LTB is hard and opens up another can of worms. I’d suggest absolutely calling him out on it, laying down boundaries and asking him WTF is wrong with him. Don’t stand for it, even if it means a huge row. Does he know children internalised this stuff? He sounds jealous of the kids

Greggsit · 28/11/2025 23:29

I basically just reinforced how proud I am of her and that his behaviour is very bad

It's good that you praised her and told her how proud you were, but I don't think it's a good idea for one parent to criticize the other to a child. It's undermining and leads to tit for tat behaviour and attitudes. Bollock him as much as you want in private.

notallwhowanderare · 28/11/2025 23:30

You are allowing your husband to be abusive to your child. So obviously, stop doing that and leave.

Stucknstoopit · 28/11/2025 23:32

Yabu if you stay. Save your daughter from this arsehole

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 28/11/2025 23:32

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Travelfairy · 28/11/2025 23:36

Thanks all. On the comment on bollock him in private....he won't care. He'll say its my fault I didnt tell him (a 45 year old) that he needed to replace the things that had run out whole we were away..he is never at fault. He never apologises.

OP posts:
notallwhowanderare · 28/11/2025 23:38

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HelenaWaiting · 29/11/2025 04:52

Mayflower282 · 28/11/2025 23:21

That’s completely out of order for him to treat his DD like that, how awful. But also….you were very rude to him, I think you owe him an apology for demanding groceries.

WTAF??

Newnamehiwhodis · 29/11/2025 05:40

He is disgusting. Unless you get her away from him, she’s going to learn not to shine too brightly, as it threatens men. He basically withheld any normal father reaction from her (love, pride) and to her it must feel like punishment.

I would not stay with a lowlife like that for anything in the world.

op if you want your child to have a chance at growing up healthy and forming healthy, respectful relationships, please leave this creep.

this can’t be said emphatically enough. The damage he did to her in this instance is incalculable, as she’s so young, and it was something of her very own where she shone on her own merits… and he behaved like a jealous bully.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 29/11/2025 05:48

Even if it is NPD, treatment rarely works as they don't believe they are the problem. My dad is diagnosed NPD and your post took me back to my childhood. I've been no contact with him for over 15 years.

unsync · 29/11/2025 06:53

He sounds jealous of his daughter. He's had to cope for three whole days without his female domestic because of his daughter and doesn't like it. Does he usually partake in the daily drudge or is that left to you?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/11/2025 06:58

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Imagine advising someone asking for help about their awful husband and blaming fhen for being there. You are an apologist for shitty male behaviour. You should work on that.

Op said she is heading towards leaving him but clearly your concentration span did nit last that long in the thread. You are an embarrassment to women.

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 29/11/2025 07:31

Is he a failed actor / performer, by any chance? And now he's consumed with jealousy because your daughter is doing the thing he desperately wanted to do all his life?

I really couldn't be arsed with jealous adult men. I'd be having a serious Come-to-Jesus talk with him once DD is in bed.

Travelfairy · 29/11/2025 12:32

She was up til 1.30am, couldnt sleep with the upset and now shes exhausted on set. He's a selfish prick. Tried to talk to him but he blew up but apologised to her privately. I just feel so sorry for her. To answer a poster, no hes not a failed actor or similar. He is actually very success in his career but always has this kind of fragile ego although he can come across as quite arrogant.

Anyway I dont know why I cant just ltb. He financially provides well for us and I dont work as I am a carer for other child. I have posted many times on here about him. We are essentially living separate lives. We barely have sex, only occasionally. He has let himself get obese (again) despite being on ozempic/MJ! He has zero empathy which makes me think NPD. He has been seeing a therapist for 2 years re work stress and I see zero improvement in him. I want out i suppose but money and also that my DD fears divorce more than anything that keeps me in this shitshow. He is interviewing for a job abroad. I'm thinking if he gets it that might be a way out. Quiet divorce or whatever they call it.
I have just honestly had enough of him in so many ways

OP posts:
Couldyounot · 29/11/2025 12:52

Bless you, OP. It doesn't sound like he has NPD. It sounds like he's a cunt.

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 12:56

Mayflower282 · 28/11/2025 23:21

That’s completely out of order for him to treat his DD like that, how awful. But also….you were very rude to him, I think you owe him an apology for demanding groceries.

Oh fuck off, asking a grown man to go out and buy milk and bread to replace what he's used isn't even remotely rude and she absolutely does not owe him an apology for expecting him to act like a normal fucking human being who shares a space with other human beings. Jesus fucking christ.

Timemyluckchanged · 29/11/2025 12:59

Couldyounot · 29/11/2025 12:52

Bless you, OP. It doesn't sound like he has NPD. It sounds like he's a cunt.

This @Travelfairy

Ambridgefan · 29/11/2025 13:02

Mayflower282 · 28/11/2025 23:21

That’s completely out of order for him to treat his DD like that, how awful. But also….you were very rude to him, I think you owe him an apology for demanding groceries.

She wasn't rude to him on the least! Why shouldn't he make sure that there is good in the house for his child? He had used up what was in the house, it was his responsibility to make sure it was replaced for when his child and wife returned after a very busy time and long journey

jeaux90 · 29/11/2025 13:09

What an asshole. Seriously this would be a turning point for me. I mean we see plenty of men on here who can’t seem to operate at a fully functional adult level which is bad enough, but doing this to your DD. It’s a hard LTB from me.

Travelfairy · 29/11/2025 13:11

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 12:56

Oh fuck off, asking a grown man to go out and buy milk and bread to replace what he's used isn't even remotely rude and she absolutely does not owe him an apology for expecting him to act like a normal fucking human being who shares a space with other human beings. Jesus fucking christ.

I know! 'Demanding groceries' ...I didnt ask him for a kidney ffs 😂😂

OP posts: