An in-laws one Christmas

[Hannahagain]

Aibu to not want my in laws coming over at 9am on Christmas morning?

Our household is me, dh and two dc 12&16). We usually spend Christmas at home. We see my parents on Christmas Eve and dhs parents on Boxing Day or NYE. Dhs parents also come over for an hour or two on Christmas Day to exchange presents.

This is fine and everyone is happy with the arrangement, however in laws always turn up way earlier than we have asked.

We don’t get up until around 8am, do stockings, then go downstairs have coffee and open the presents under the tree. After presents we usually get dressed and have some breakfast.

We’ve asked dh parents to arrive after 10.30am, but they just ignore us and turn up at 9am. It’s too early for us.

I’m sure some people will say chill out but we just don’t want to have them over while we are still in our pyjamas. I’ve also had comments made at me about being in pyjamas when they’ve turned up early not just at Christmas.

Definitely leave all the curtains closed and let the children have their lie in.

You could let them in whilst in your pyjamas and just tell them to be quiet until the rest of the house wakes up? Give them a cup of tea and a biscuit and make them feel awkward as hell. Sat around being quiet.

Just pop to theirs and the control is all yours!

What does your DH say about not answering the door to them.

I'm guessing this arrangement of the in-laws coming over to do gifts on Xmas morning (even though you go to them on Boxing Day) dates from when the DC were very small and they came to 'watch them open their presents - am I right?

It's time, therefore, because the DC are older and past all that business, to tell them you're doing it differently now on and you'll do gifts with them at theirs on Boxing Day. Full stop.

I suspect they do it deliberately because they enjoy seeing you on the hop and relish the chance to pronounce judgement. It's rude and very unkind.

I agree with the posters who have said to lock the door and not let them in until the time YOU have said. Let them stew in the car. It sounds like whatever you say, do or propose they will simply continue to turn up at 9am anyway though - because they actively want the reaction from you and the opportunity to sneer. Ignoring your wishes, disrespecting your boundaries and wrong-footing you is clearly their Christmas treat. I expect they look forward to it.

Lock the back door too, if it's accessible, because I guarantee you that if they come knocking at 9am and the door isn't answered then they will simply walk around the house and come striding through the back door full of sneers 'n' jeers.

I wouldn't want people like this around at all to be honest, but I get that this may not be a possibility for you.

Best of luck - I hope you are able to have a nice Christmas (on your own timescale!). x

I think 10.30 is a little late into the morning.Especially if she wants go get back to see to things food wise and isn't staying for dinner with you.

She probably doesn't want to get back home at 11. 45 or 12. And wants to eat by 3.

It does seem a bit full on. Can you not do the exchange of presents on Boxing Day. I would suggest this. She may even welcome it.

They'll come early anyway. Only option is to remove Christmas Day from the menu altogether. Say now the kids are older you'll just see them on Boxing Day.

Lock the doors and send DH down in his pjs if they arrive at 9, make it clear you and the kids are not getting up early or doing gifts until Xmas day evening.
I do empathise, I think it’s very rude of them. I have a relative like this and I tell her a time an hour later than everyone else now.

Your husband needs to tell them that the door will be locked until eleven o'clock. He needs to be prepared to ignore the door any earlier than that. Is he?

I always love advice like this 😂. Who, on Christmas day, would actually do this?!

My advice is to say 1 and lie and say you're out in the morning.

Don't answer the door

invite them for noon in writing, add that they have repeatedly turned up early on previous years and if they turn up early this year, they will not be invited to your house again on Xmas.

reiterate in writing the week before

remind the night before

send a delayed delivery email to them for 8am xmas morning reminding them again and saying that you are having a lie in until 11am.

stick to it.

Are they wanting to see the kids open their presents and they would miss that if they came after nine?

I think 10.30 is a little late into the morning .Especially if she wants go get back to see to things food wise and isn't staying for dinner with you.
She probably doesn't want to get back home at 11. 45 or 12. And wants to eat by 3

So?

OP and her family don't want them there before 1030.

They could always choose not to visit. Or come round later in the afternoon.

This is a DH Issue. He needs to be very clear with his family that either they come after 11, or they don't come at all.

We had a similar issue a few years ago around "coffee" visits. My time suggests were consistently agreed to, but ignored. Eventually DH stepped and told them calmly but firmly that either they came at XX time or they didn't come at all.

Oh I like your style

I am not sure I could ever get up at 7am on Christmas Day, even my kids don't, but popping up on the way back home after a Christmas Eve party? Now that's an idea. Who doesn't like a Christmas buzz-fizz at 2am before going to bed 😂

It's very rude and inconsiderate of them. Why are they ignoring you when you have explained that guests are not welcome until later in the day? Do they normally disregard what you say to them? It is out of order.

You and your partner must be firmer and explicit that you will not be open to visitors until such and such a time and won't be answering the door to anyone prior to whatever time it is.

I wouldn't give a stuff about them seeing my in my pjs or potentially unwashed. I'd put them to work peeling spuds and tidying up. But that's me and not you, so put a stop to it. I'm a little bit cross with them for you.

Only you and he can put a stop to this so make sure that you do. Don't lie or make up the daft excuses that have been proposed. Just tell them they are not welcome until such and such a time. Then do not answer the door before that time.

Get your husband to set and hold the boundary. Then their won‘t be any backlash on you.

God, this is my ILs too. On the odd occasion they haven't come to us for Christmas Day they have to come over and see the children in the morning. The 'children' are 18 and 21 now, hardly bouncing awake at 6am giddy with the wonder of Christmas.
When they are invited they invariably turn up early.

Well it is always useful to try to understand peoples motivation when they do something. Especially when asked not to. And if you want to change things.
As I put in my post, she may well welcome not exchanging gifts like this on Christmas Day but prefer to do the Boxing Day.
I know the OP doesn't want them round till 10.30. But it isn't just her xmas either. It is everyone's xmas.
The idea is to find a solution that suits everyone.

Make it clear, in writing, what is going to happen.

'We'll be home late on Christmas Eve, so we and the children will be sleeping in on Christmas morning.

That means we'll all be showering and dressing until x oclock, so we won't be at home to visitors until then.

We'll see you at X o'clock on Christmas morning.'

If they turn up early, boot your wet lettuce husband to the front door soaking wet in a little slipping bath towel to let his parents in.

Let him entertain them until the time you specified - in between him doing his share of all the necessary tasks to participate in delivering family Christmas with his parents.

If that means them sat by themselves, tough.

At the RIGHT time - start hosting.

If a later time doesn’t work for them then they should just say. Instead of turning up really early.

It is them that specify that they want to come over on Christmas morning. They don’t want to come on the evening because they’ve had a drink (fair enough), but they do still want to come over on Christmas Day.

We always say come over after 10.30 to give us chance to have some breakfast and get dressed but it’s completely ignored.

Dh solution is that he wants to lie and pretend that we are going out.

Lean into it. If you can't bring yourself to ignore the door bell, let them in and make a point of you all still being in PJs and not brushed hair etc, take your time drinking your coffee until you're good and ready. Tell them that presents won't be done until everyone in the house has showered and changed, and that you'll be doing that at your leisure. Let them feel uncomfortable.

My in laws would get up at 5.30am so were always impossibly early to everything no matter the invite!