Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Christmas plans and keeping everyone happy

48 replies

Peanutbutterpanda · 27/11/2025 21:54

Since being married my husband and I have always alternated Christmas Day with his parents and siblings or mine. Rather than always spending Boxing Day with the other side of the family, if we are with his family, we usually stay for a couple of days and then see my family later in the holiday. Since having DD1, if we've been with my family on Christmas Day then we are with his family on Boxing Day and stay for a couple of days after.

COVID times meant we got out of sync with one of his brothers. My MIL and BIL + family have gone ahead and decided they will be together 24th - 25th this year and are requesting that we spend 25th with them because BIL will be seeing his in-laws on 26th. We only found out this decision had been made because we were hoping we could line up our plans with BILs in advance of speaking to MIL. MIL and BIL say that we decided we would all be together on 25th in January but I honestly don't remember this at all (and neither does DH).

It's my family's "turn" this year and I don't really want to change plans as we didn't even have a meal with them last year due to us having a newborn. Because MIL is so keen to have everyone together, last year we had a weekend with them and BIL's family in January when our little one was a month old. Before anyone suggests it, spending time with either side on 24th is out because that's our youngest's birthday and it's time for just our family unit to be together.

My mum is always very understanding and says I should do what I think is best but my sister and brother will definitely be disappointed since they're cooking this year.

We are fortunate enough to see both sides of the family regularly so can't use that as a decider. MIL is the kind of person who always seems to manage to get what she wants. No one really stands up to her and on the few occasions it has happened she's got upset. I do get on well with MIL usually but I feel that this is particularly unfair on us, especially since we have the little one's birthday on Christmas Eve. She's also saying that if we don't change it this year then we will always be out of sync which feels a bit guilt trippy to me. Any suggestions on solutions and how to keep everyone happy?

OP posts:

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 27/11/2025 22:02

Why is the onus on you to change? Why not BIL and SIL?
If they are unwilling then keep plans this year, see your family again next year and fall into sync the following year!

WilfredsPies · 27/11/2025 22:04

You can’t keep everyone happy. Not unless you find a way to clone yourselves before Christmas. It’s impossible. The only realistic course of action is that you fuck the lot of them off and stay at home as a family.

If you really want to spend Christmas away from home then I’d go to your family. I think that if you give in to your MiL because it’s easier to deal with your mum, then you’d be making a big mistake.

Allswellthatendswelll · 27/11/2025 22:07

I mean if it was me I'd probably let the 24th birthday slide and celebrate it on the 23rd, especially if the child is too young to notice. But then I'm a people pleaser! So if that's a non negotiable to you then that's fine. I don't think you should give up Christmas Day. If it's your families turn it's your families turn. It sounds like you are being expected to compromise where your in-laws aren't.

Does BIL live far away? It seems like a poor show that you haven't got together as a family in almost a year. Where is DH in these logistical plans with his family?

How far away do your families live from each other? Traipsing back and forth with little kids is pretty grim but the 27th and 28th are a weekend so that's more potential days?

Eenameenadeeka · 27/11/2025 22:12

You cannot keep everyone happy, so do the reasonable thing, which is to keep your alternate plans and see your family. The alternating is fair. I don't think you should give in to MIL who behave like that, or they get worse. You can still see parents in law on 26 without BIL, and see him a different day.

NuffSaidSam · 27/11/2025 22:12

If the format is every other year then I would stick with that.

Tell MIL it's better this way as otherwise she has everyone one year and no-one the next. This way it's perfect because she can enjoy Christmas with BIL this year and Christmas with you next year.

I would potentially rethink the birthday though. I would celebrate this at home alone a few days before and enjoy having everyone together for her actual birthday. Unless she's a child who doesn't like any fuss. I think most kids would enjoy the wider family being there for their birthday.

Vaxtable · 27/11/2025 22:24

Just tell them it’s your parents turn this year, and that you will be seeing them, sorry you can’t see bil this time, will catch up next year

if mil kicks off let her

ToadRage · 27/11/2025 22:24

My husband and I refuse to go anywhere on Christmas. Our families are far away so it's not really feasible for a day trip and up until this year it was hard trying to plan things around work. We like it just being the two of us, my husband does the cooking, unlike my mother he lets me wear my pyjamas all day if I want to, we do presents after lunch, then snuggle up and watch a Christmas movie.
If it's your parents turn it's only fair you should go there and MiL can suck it. MiL's need to be taught that they don't always get their own way.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/11/2025 22:28

It's your families turn, that's it.

Rachel2409 · 27/11/2025 22:28

ToadRage · 27/11/2025 22:24

Edited

Sounds great!

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 27/11/2025 22:28

This is why I feel so content at Christmas that it’s just our little family with no wider relations to worry about. In your shoes I would be tempted to have one Christmas just you three and then start alternating the relatives from next year.

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 27/11/2025 22:31

You have a format, she knows your format, don’t let her railroad you.

Luckyingame · 28/11/2025 18:33

Just cross out "keeping everyone happy" and do what makes you/your family happy.
In all seriousness.

ClareBlue · 28/11/2025 18:39

Do what you want to do without any sens of duty or bullying influencing your decision. What makes your Christmas the happiest and creates happy memories. It's not about keeping everyone happy. It's about you being happy. Happy Christmas 😁

Monty34 · 28/11/2025 18:45

BIL is seeing his relations on the 26th. And seeing his Mum on the 25th.
Mil is not on her own.
I am a bit confused as to the logic of you needing to spend xmas day with them all because BIL is seeing his in-laws on Boxing Day. It shouldn't impact on your Xmas Day. Bizarre.

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/11/2025 18:46

Could you use this to change things up completely? Will you still want to alternate as baby grows up? It seems unfair that your mum y alternates seeing you but you do see your in-laws even if it’s just Boxing Day.

Simplelobsterhat · 28/11/2025 18:46

We accepted years ago we don't see our siblings on Christmas day. We do every other year with parents like you do, but our siblings are deliberately in the opposite schedule so that our parents always have one of their children to see on Xmas day. We arrange to meet up with siblings a different day (and bigger family get togethers can happen and other time of year if we want them.)

What does mil do every other year if you were in sync with bil? What do your parents do on the off years?Could you sell this to her on the basis that being out of sync with bil will mean she always has one of her kids on Xmas day?

If not, why should you change, why not bil?

topcat2014 · 28/11/2025 18:48

For most people birthdays are on some random weekday so I wouldn't get to hung up about keeping that special

Blizzardofleaves · 28/11/2025 19:20

Co-ordinating all the siblings was eventually going to fail op.

I wouldn’t be letting my family down, and would stick with your plan. Your mil’s demands should not be taking precedence over your family.

Arrange to see bil and mil at Easter. I believe this was pre planned which is why bil didn’t contact you.

MrsF111 · 28/11/2025 19:20

SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 27/11/2025 22:02

Why is the onus on you to change? Why not BIL and SIL?
If they are unwilling then keep plans this year, see your family again next year and fall into sync the following year!

This! Go to your family as planned this year then if it’s important to MIL you sync up with BIL you do a double at your parents and fall in with BIL the year after that. No way should your family miss out to please MIL
and if she kicks off point out it’s exactly what she’s expecting you to do to your family this year and she’s the one that wants the change in the first place.

BuildbyNumbere · 28/11/2025 19:56

Who messed it up and got out of sync during Covid? They should be the ones to change back.

BuildbyNumbere · 28/11/2025 19:57

Blizzardofleaves · 28/11/2025 19:20

Co-ordinating all the siblings was eventually going to fail op.

I wouldn’t be letting my family down, and would stick with your plan. Your mil’s demands should not be taking precedence over your family.

Arrange to see bil and mil at Easter. I believe this was pre planned which is why bil didn’t contact you.

Ours never has … been coordinating for years and it’s always worked out

Zempy · 28/11/2025 20:11

Don’t let MIL bully you. Stick to your plans.

Pineapplewaves · 28/11/2025 20:11

If it’s your parents turn then you go there as originally planned, MIL and BIL can’t just change the order because it suits them, there is your family to consider too. Just because your DM doesn’t kick off it doesn’t mean she won’t be upset that MIL has taken her turn away.

TheJaneyB · 28/11/2025 20:19

We decided once the kids were old enough to really enjoy Christmas that we weren’t going to go anywhere. We always welcome people to ours (this year both sets of parents) but not interested in ‘taking turns’ at our parents or siblings. We usually just find a day where we spend it with all the in-laws and another day where we spend it with all my family. Usually late December for one and early January for the otherI recommend you start sowing the seeds for this sort of approach because honestly it will just get more complicated when kids are involved. Also it’s fun to see the family without all the pressure of it being Christmas but we do still make it festive with crackers etc.

farnworth · 28/11/2025 21:05

I had a MIL like this. Her kicking off really upset my husband so often we would end up appeasing my MIL at the cost of me seeing my parents. My lovely selfless parents were the opposite of my MIL, always saying not to worry, they could see me another time etc. It was only when my DF had months left to live that I really saw the depth of the selfish manipulation of my MIL and the extraordinary selflessness of my DPs, I so regret all the times we put MIL first because we were worried about upsetting her and I vowed never to do so again - but you sadly can’t reclaim those lost past times.

It’s your turn to be with your family. Stick to that and cherish the time. If your MIL kicks off, so be it. Don’t let selfish people end up being the winners.

Flip

1 2