Christmas plans and keeping everyone happy

[Peanutbutterpanda]

Since being married my husband and I have always alternated Christmas Day with his parents and siblings or mine. Rather than always spending Boxing Day with the other side of the family, if we are with his family, we usually stay for a couple of days and then see my family later in the holiday. Since having DD1, if we've been with my family on Christmas Day then we are with his family on Boxing Day and stay for a couple of days after.

COVID times meant we got out of sync with one of his brothers. My MIL and BIL + family have gone ahead and decided they will be together 24th - 25th this year and are requesting that we spend 25th with them because BIL will be seeing his in-laws on 26th. We only found out this decision had been made because we were hoping we could line up our plans with BILs in advance of speaking to MIL. MIL and BIL say that we decided we would all be together on 25th in January but I honestly don't remember this at all (and neither does DH).

It's my family's "turn" this year and I don't really want to change plans as we didn't even have a meal with them last year due to us having a newborn. Because MIL is so keen to have everyone together, last year we had a weekend with them and BIL's family in January when our little one was a month old. Before anyone suggests it, spending time with either side on 24th is out because that's our youngest's birthday and it's time for just our family unit to be together.

My mum is always very understanding and says I should do what I think is best but my sister and brother will definitely be disappointed since they're cooking this year.

We are fortunate enough to see both sides of the family regularly so can't use that as a decider. MIL is the kind of person who always seems to manage to get what she wants. No one really stands up to her and on the few occasions it has happened she's got upset. I do get on well with MIL usually but I feel that this is particularly unfair on us, especially since we have the little one's birthday on Christmas Eve. She's also saying that if we don't change it this year then we will always be out of sync which feels a bit guilt trippy to me. Any suggestions on solutions and how to keep everyone happy?

I was going to say as someone with a small child with a Christmas eve birthday, your future Christmas days may look different anyway.
By the time the 25th rolls around my daughter has been fed up of opening presents, is over stimulated, and just wants to sit in PJs and watch cartoons on Christmas day, and take a very long nap. We don't even bother with a Christmas dinner, just buffet bits.
If I had tried to put her in the car and drag her to a relatives I think she would have probably cried!

So I wouldn't get too hung up on turns and being in sync at all, you may well not want to commit to family obligations. This year we are going to an event for Dd's birthday and will be travelling back late on 24th so she will be a zombie on Xmas day.
Is BIL free any date between 27th-4th Jan? You can have in laws Xmas then.

Say 'we might just keep next year for ourselves at home and come to you in 2027, then we'll be back in sync'. 😉

When ,child gets a but older, they will want to show both families what santa brought them. Sadly my families never did this for
mine when they were younger, we had to take them to see GPs, and then try get back home ,me to set table, dinner,kids were tired, all they wanted to do was stay in to enjoy their xmas presents, in pj's, and relax to watch a film,before bed. Do what will make the children happy to create fab memories

Your MIL does not care about anyone’s happiness but her own.

Your mum cares about you being happy.

The above points would be the decision maker for me. I would go to my mums.

Don’t base decisions on what might happen in the future. For example if MIL was seriously ill one year I’m sure you would consider changing the routine to see her that year. And you have no idea what might change for BIL and his in laws. It’s far too late to change plans now anyway. Many people will have placed food orders and started prepping based on the arrangements already made

Tell all family you have Christmas at home ...relaxing and making your own plans. Enjoy 🎄

I’d stick with plans to see your family. Better to reward your Mum’s flexibility than MiL’s intransigence. If you change to do what MIL wants, this could reinforce her behaviour and she will continue to call all the shots.

I said YABU, simply because it's not your job 'to keep everyone happy'.

More than 30 years ago we started with alternate Christmases. DS was born on 25th Decembers. IL's came to us, we went to my mother's (father visited before or after). When DS was two we went to my mother's arriving on Christmas Eve. They gave ds a present every hour. He was awake at 3.30 on Christmas day, didn't nap and finally went to sleep at 5.30am on Boxing Day. They hyped him exponentially.

Thereafter the family were told we would soend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day at our own house and they were welcome to join us. ILs did every year; until FIL died and then it was just MIL until frailty prevailed. All 100s of miles away. Mother and step came for Chriatmas lunch/present exchange a week or two before, again until frailty prevailed because step did not leave his own house at Christmas. It worked but no sibs on either side. DH's sisters remain overseas.

Two things @Peanutbutterpanda

Your DS's birthday is his birthday and those who don't have Christmas birthdays are not expected to compromise and neither should he have to.

In a decade or three all the grandparents will be gone or frail. Be firm, but don't fall out - there will come a time when there is no debate about where to soend Christmas and either bereavement or loneliness will prevail. At present DH goes to his mother, I go to mine. They are in their 90th year. They might not be here for many more Christmases and won't spend these last ones alone, however shit it is for us. The DC do their own thing but visit around Xmas although DS and DIL are overseas and keep in touch in other ways.

Our DC are grown up and with grace may soend Christmas as they like. Aftwr decades of hosting and/or duty I look forward to a Christmas in bed with a side of smoked salmon, a bottle of champagne and Netflix.

Can you not do Christmas Day with 1 set of parents and New Years Day with the other, alternating that each year? Both days are special and you can spread out the gift exchanging & opening so LO isnt too overwhelmed.
The gifting thing is something DH & I started when ours were little of having most gifts on Christmas Day and 1 or 2 gifts on NYD and it worked for us. We included DPs, alternating between the days so they got to see the kids open the gifts from them. So, 1 year it was the ILs on Christmas day then my parents NYD, the following year, it switched.
Don't change your plans but maybe suggest seeing MIL on NYD this year, starting a new tradition, because if you give in this time, you set a precedent for future family events with your ILs expecting to be prioritised, always, but that could just be my experience.

My elder dds like to sync coming to us as it means the cousins get to see each other on Christmas day. It does mean the next year is very quiet with just our 2 much younger dc with us. Dd3 has her birthday just after Christmas and everyone always goes back before it which she doesn't like. We all went to dd1's for dgd's Ist birthday, she wanted a family occasion. It sounds like you don't live too far from them so maybe share the day this year and get back into sync next.

Another vote for either sticking with the plan to alternate and de your family this year or stay at home.

just because your mother does not show how badly she wants to see you and your family and does not guilt trip you ,doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

id reward the parent being mature rather the one throwing their toys out of the pram. Who knows where pandering to her would end.

Hope your DH is on board with fairness rather than appeasing

That was a very long post, and most of the detail was irrelevant - you alternate every year (which everyone broadly agrees is the best compromise you're going to get), and it's not their turn this year. So no, don't change it.

Change it around completely and say now you are a family of your own you will be having Xmas at home and visiting YOUR relatives in the afternoon this year and will
see your in laws Boxing Day for a cuppa IF you decide to!! Going forward you will be prioritising YOUR little family NOT what mil wants!! TELL them not ask them too!!

MIL and BIL say that we decided we would all be together on 25th in January but I honestly don't remember this at all (and neither does DH).

So, what did you say to them when they said this?

You don't need to visit anyone, anywhere over Christmas. Don't get frazzled, just tell them you are having it at home and you'll see family after Boxing Day. I've never seen the need to drag myself and family around over those 2 days. Christmas day at home, Boxing day, weather permitting, a good family walk in the fresh air. Try making your own family tradition.

Thanks. I think I needed to hear this!

I am usually a people pleaser but I've got to the stage now where I'm getting a bit sick of it and think we need to put us first.

We have seen them throughout the year. Not loads given they only live 1 hour away, but at Easter, for a weeks' holiday and a family BBQ in the summer.

We're about 45 mins - 1 hour from each set of parents and BIL so it's not a long journey unless the traffic is a nightmare!

This is a brilliant idea. It has got me thinking and it is an opportunity to shake things up and do something completely different.

Thanks everyone. It's such a good point that we should be prioritising our family and what works for us.

I do agree with many of you that giving in could just mean more pain in future years. @TheJaneyB and @NotaSkivvy, I really like your approaches, especially with the Christmas Eve birthday so I think I will start sowing the seeds for something like this.

@Mnnui, this is useful to know and I love the idea of buffet bits rather than a full Christmas dinner!

Your MIL does not care about anyone’s happiness but her own.
Your mum cares about you being happy.
I think you've summed it up very well @Icecreamisthebest.

@Shinyandnew1, this was said to DH, not me but he said that we had no recollection of this conversation. He also said to me that it's a bit strange this has only been said now and not earlier, which is very true.

As a couple of others have said, surely being “out of sync” with siblings is ideal? Otherwise MIL has every 2nd Christmas alone. No offence to BIL, but I think prioritising no one being alone each year makes the most sense.

DON'T keep everyone happy. It's not your job. Your 'job' is to make sure YOU are happy with arrangements. *I'd stick with visiting your own mother as planned.

Did you have a meal with neither your family nor DH family last year, as I presume you will have had a newborn throughout the whole festive season? So did neither family get a 'turn' last year? 🤔

i'm not entirely sure we have a reliable narrator here, this sounds methinks to much of a caricature MIL witch, DM a saint situation. What your are essentially saying is you believe 2 other families, PIL and BIL are lying to you about a conversation that didn't happen? If it did happen, and maybe there was a misunderstanding, how much will it poison the well for you to accuse them of it? No doubt your currency in the wider family might be somewhat impacted (which i suspect it already might be by your caricaturing.. (for record my own IL preferable to my own DP!))