Were you only friends with people at your academic level in school?

[LevelHeadNina]

Thinking back, I’ve realised most of my close friends in school were people who worked at a similar academic level to me. No deliberately, it just kind of happened because we were in the same classes, sets or had the same pressures.

AIBU to wonder if others experienced this too? And if you weren’t friends with people at your level, do you you wish you were/weren’t?

Yes, my friend were always from top sets. And generally towards the top of the top sets. Though tbh, I didn't exactly have many friends!

These days I have more friends, and there is a bit of a mix, but they almost all went to university and, thinking about it, almost all my closer friends have PhDs and/or went to Oxford or Cambridge, even if that isn't how I met them in the first place.

Yes, pretty much. Although I am not in touch with any of them now, almost 20 years on (or anyone from secondary or primary school). Same academic level was all we had in common, everything else was superficial / the usual trying to fit in with others at school.

My school was very odd. Though it was academically selective and most people ended up at top universities and got good degrees, barely anyone in my year moved to London after university. Even the two students who went to London universities ended up moving back home?! I was the only one who moved to London straight after university and I think one or two moved much later on. I never felt like I truly had anything in common with anyone at my school. I couldn’t understand why they wanted to move back to our home town or limit themselves to the city nearby.

At my ds’s secondary modern most of his closest friends were from his sets. But he also had friends from the mixed ability lessons. I thought that the mixed ability classes were socially useful for all the kids-they learned much more than just the subjects.

No. I found school very boring and didn't learn anything new there. I was in top sets throughout, but attendance below 50% and was very disruptive, just also very clever. I hung out with the other disruptive kids and caused carnage.

It caused regular upset that I got excellent marks in exams for teachers who hated me and who's classes I refused to enter. I did ask teach a lot of concepts to my carnage mates that they didn't understand, while we were absconding though. I now choose to work in a school with disruptive kids and do pretty well at chilling everyone out.

I gravitatated towards the less academic friends, because they seemed more fun. It wasn't a bad thing because I still managed excellent grades while at the same time cutting myself some slack.

No, I was in all the top sets, but I had good friends across the top, middle and bottom sets. My friend in the top set I sat next to in every lesson, but she lived further away, so we had to plan to meet up to go shopping on Saturdays. After school I had a friend in the middle sets who lived nearer, so we used to knock for each other and spend lots of tone together outside school. Also had a good friend in the bottom set who I met up with a lot out of school.

I like interacting with a wide range of people. I went to a failing secondary school followed by a top sixth form/university, so I’ve always been used to mixing with people who are on benefits to people who attended private school. Met loads of nice people from all backgrounds over the years 😊

Broadly yes, but with quite a range within that. We'd certainly have looked that way to outsiders, but I suspect in practice we clustered far more around similar family backgrounds, in terms of support (not necessarily money), how much they valued education, even 'parental strictness'. The tends to correlate with a certain amount of educational achievement, so most of us certainly started off in the top sets, regardless of where we ended up.

The academic kids who maybe didn't have much parental involvement or support also tended to hang about with other kids from similar backgrounds to their own. As adults it doesn't matter a jot, but as kids we would probably have thought we had very little in common, save a certain ability to pass exams.

I think for the sporty kids (in my generation, tended to be the boys) there was a lot more mixing across social background and academic ability and that's persisted into adulthood.

It's an interesting one.

I went to a <cheap> private slightly-selective school. I had friends from all walks of life (Assisted places were amazing things) - from living in a caravan with single mum (who often disappeared off for weeks) through to a few people who money was no object. Some would have been diagnosed with ASD nowadays, some were very clever, some were less so, lots of different ethnicities too.

Dh went to a bog standard comp. He stuck very firmly with those who were similar to him in academic level, class, ethnicity etc.

He was very keen our dc went to comprehensive (not that we could have afforded otherwise) so they mixed with a wider range of people!

No not at all, but we weren't ability streamed until year 9 so we were mostly friends with people in our own forms because that's who we had all our classes with

In the private school I was probably the lowest academically in the whole year. So my friends usually got better grades than me. Except maybe one subject where I was top of the class.

In the comp I didn't really have any proper friends, more misfits who didn't have a tribe. They were inevitably getting worse grades than me but that's only because I had that rigid learning experience at the private school for a couple of years. It felt like I was learning the same things all over again when I switched.

Nope. I was top sets and had friends across all the sets, and my very best friend (who I'm still in touch with 40 years later) barely went to school in the final year. I was also in a large friendship group of around 20 kids who were my year, the year above and year below. The only thing I suppose we had in common educationally is that none of us stayed on for 6th form, although a few did it at another school.

I am very academic, but my friends aren’t and I’ve always had friends and partners who were less academic than me. However, I think emotional intelligence and practical abilities are as valuable as academic intelligence.
Edited to add that when I went to University I had a lot of friends who weren’t students who lived in the city.

Broadly speaking, yes

Nope my best friend was a high flier who put a lot of pressure on herself, I was (and still am) a middle of the road bumbler...... we also come from significantly different backgrounds, however, once you factor out the pressure factor we are very similar, I was her best woman when she got married last year we are both 49 this year

Pretty mixed upto sixth form, but as those not as academic pretty much left school then(late70s), friends in-sixth form were much more on same academic level.Looking back those who left school at 16 mainly went into work and quite quickly lost contact

A mixture really - a couple of my friends were from my classes (top sets) and then a lot of my friends were from lower academic sets

For me no, my school only streamed for maths so that could have been a factor. None of my school friends lasted long after school and I had no desire to try and reconnect after university. Maybe that would have been different if my friends had been more similar to me.

As an adult I'm torn between seeing it as a good thing to have a variety of friends whilst the realistic part of me thinks that enduring friendship does seem more likely to occur between similar people.

No. I was cripplingly shy and didn't dare try to make friends with those on my level. I was also a lot higher intelligence than most people in my classes but at the time had no idea that I was, so naturally gravitated toward those who were a lot lower academically.

Not really, no. Some of it was because we were in the same classes/groups so you tend to make friends with people who have classes with you. But many of my friends were made via after school clubs, sports, or even randomly depending on who got on the same buses which meant different years as you tend to chat with people, even different ages, who you always see at the bus stop or have to sit next to on a busy bus! I'd say the more reliable/enjoyable friendships I had were outside my academic group, in fact outside my age group!

I'd never thought about it but now you mention it, I think I was mainly friends working at a similar academic level.

I really notice and admire that my DD is totally different. She's always had a real mix of friends, including very academic high-flyers and kids with quite serious learning difficulties.

I wish! I was at a small rural school where most people left at 16 and in the 80s an intelligent girl was still considered a bit of a pointless freak (it was an old fashioned place). I had friends but thought I was socially awkward until I went to University and didn't really properly find my tribe until I did my PhD. I am so envious of my DC who went to a large secondary and sixth form who have lots of friends who have similar aspirations.

I was mediocre (5 sets I was set 3 for everything) nearly all my friends were in set 5 for everything a few in set 1 and the only one who was the same as me was my boyfriend who I’m now married to

Yes up until year 9 very much so, my friends tended to get their head down and try to get on. Mid year 9 I went to a private school where we had a permanent form classroom to come back to at lunch and breaktime, so that made for friendships from my form class. Also, I'm sure we were only streamed for maths, so friendships were much more mixed.

Holy shit this is very relatable I’ve never seen anyone else admit it before. I absolutely hated myself and still kind of do, nearly all my school friends were in set 5 out of 5 for everything

No not at all. Im super proud that my parents brought us up to be so diverse and interested in everyone because people are fascinating.

my group of friends left school to go into trades and hairdressing, university (2 went to Oxford) and many gap years!

having different people in your life is so enriching