Help me with my adult son

[lucyloo25]

My young adult 25 is out of work (was working but laid off recently) they are adhd also. I admit i have done everything for them, i applied for uni didnt work , applied for most jobs inititally, they then went for interviews, have got them all and worked well, but, thats because i am waking them daily and ushering out the door. I plan my weekends around waking them and making sure they dont sleep too late. I am exhausted and cant carry on. Just dawned on me that if i dont make the changes now, this will go on and on.
what can i do? I decided to stop researching jobs for them now and decided to stop the waking thing as it controls my every day!
I think i have over compensated as they are ND and i thought because of this i need to swoop in and do it all, by doing it all, i have stopped them figuring out things for themselves.

Now it has started to affect my MH (highly anxious) i know its time to STOP.
any help appreciated mumsnetters from a mum on the brink.

What does he want to do with his life?

not sure , has some ideas but not done anything about it

You are being unreasonable to go from doing all that to doing nothing overnight. A phased in series of changes through which you help him learn to do these things for himself (and insist he does these things for himself) would be entirely reasonable though.

You have to stop he can set alarms and put notes in his phone, did he want to go to university or was he just plodding along agreeing with you, he has to find his own path maybe a modern apprenticeship would suit him so he is learning at his job,

You sound exhausted you have to let him find his feet let him look amd apply for jobs,is he intouch with the job centre get him to Google stuff and get on.

It is fine to prompt him just not do everything.

I really sympathise 💐
It’s like having to direct a toddler day in day out, but toddlers are easier than adults and it’s utterly exhausting.
Can you sit him down and calmly and respectfully go through a plan with him, so that you can both plan changes that can be phased-in.

Is he on any ADHD medication?

Medication has really helped one of my AuDHD DDs. I don’t think she could hold down a job without it. DD2 really struggles with waking up. She’s away at uni on a course with attendance requirements and in order to make sure she wakes for class we got her an alarm clock which is marketed for people who are hard of hearing. It’s very loud and has a vibrating bit that goes under the pillow too. We got it from Amazon for about £25. There are plenty to choose from.

Please make a plan to reduce the amount of help you are giving him slowly. He needs to work out when to ask for help and try to do things by himself. Treat him like an adult more, it will will good for his self esteem. And by that I mean, charge him a contribution for bills when he is working, let him apply for things like jobs or benefits himself, make him cook his meals, contribute to cleaning the house and maybe take on paying one of the household bills and don't give him any money.
Adhd makes things really difficult but there are loads of things which can help depending on what he struggles with. Lots of brilliant apps, and strategies. Is he medicated?

If he isn't medicated, then he needs to be.

I understand that what you're saying is you've built social scaffolding around him to accomodate for his needs but removing that scaffolding won't remove the need behind that scaffolding.

A lot of people who don't understand just how disabling ADHD can be will tell you that he's a grown man and that you need to let him crack on, but our ND kids don't stop being ND when they hit 18, and they still have a lifelong developmental disability.

Not being able to hold down jobs, initiate tasks, finding admin a barrier to accessing education and services, feeling aimless, being understimulated and bored, having tense interpersonal and professional relationships etc are all common barriers with ADHD, but medication can really help while strategies are put in place to replace poor routines and ritualistic behaviour.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Definitely get him on medication if he isn’t already. You can still (I think?) access it through right to choose - ask the GP.
I think the job market people have specific help for people with disabilities to obtain work. Check in there too and ask for support. Even volunteering would get him up and out of the house. Get the alarms organised so he gets up at the same time every day.

Are you me? Exhausting isn't it?
I would agree with others. I wouldn't withdraw everything immediately. Help him come up with strategies. He will get it. Helping him find out what he would like to do will really help. It may not be a job he absolutely loves, but the structure will help him. If he's been working it should be easier. My son has moved to work in construction. It pays well (which gives him the resources to do the things he likes to do), is outdoors, and tends to be different on a daily basis - I don't think a 9-5 would work for him.

Go down the medication route if you can, but be aware that it's not a magic bullet. My son's just started, the medication he has isn't making any difference yet and supply is terrible.

Good luck x

Hard to say without knowing how your son is effected. He might need someone waking him up and prompting him for the rest of his life to have any hope of holding down a job, or he may be able to deal with it himself and learn how to get himself going.

What you can control is your reaction. I've been in a similar situation during teenage years and up to early 20s. It's very hard to watch your child eff up, without rushing in to rescue. However you decide to withdraw your active intervention, I really recommend you now start to manage your own anxiety about this. I was prone to catastrophising, e.g my child would be an unemployed oaf forever living at home in darkened room surrounded by dirty mugs. Some things that helped me: I practised radical acceptance. I accepted that the lifelong layabout was the likely outcome and so planned for how I would live with that, explain it to my family and friends and so on. If you can accept the "worst case scenario", you may be less on tenterhooks when he doesn't show initiative, because that is life "going to plan". It was the uncertainty around the outcome that made me anxious. Also I thought of when my daughter was little and learning to climb upstairs - you don't carry them, you walk closely behind with arms ready to catch. My child is now late 20s and frighteningly and eventually sensible! I still get panicked sometimes about their situations, but that's on ME and for ME to deal with. I really wish you well, it's a hard road we parents have to go on. Please work on your emotions (plenty of useful books on CBT techniques to do this) and that will help you both get through this stage of your lives.

It's so good you've recognised what's going on now because you are right this would go on forever.

I mean this kindly but you won't be around forever so he really needs to learn to be independent now. In my early 20s i was seeing someone who was like this and it was so offputting and the main reason i ended it.

His mother did everything for him and he had no ambition/passion as a result because why would he. He is now in his 40s, still lives at home, had a series of jobs but lost them all through different reasons, his mother does the applying for jobs for him too. We stayed friends and when i speak to them now i cant believe how oblivious they both are to whats going on. His stepdad cant stand it and i dont blame him. Relationships never worked out because they all saw eventually and its offputting. You knew if you stayed you'd become responsible for all this one day too and run a mile!

Best of luck, please do make a plan to withdraw the level of things you are doing and explain to him why. He probably wont take it well. But its him gaining his independence or you looking after him till your last days and then what will he do when he is alone?

So sorry i come accross as harsh i just really feel for you. He needs to start being an adult and you deserve to not be anxious about all this and live your own life for you!

thanks to everyone for being so kind , i was concerned id be slaughtered.

Yes on medication,

Going to try and remove pieces of scaffolding gradually week by week, month by month

thank you lovely ladies

If within the limits of affordability outsourcing the scaffold maintenance and building within an ADHD community, so he can be guided and supported into doing it for himself, might be worth a gander.

I’m in Focus Revolution, will be 2 years at the end of January, and even though I’m in my late 50s, turns out even ADHD riddled old dogs can learn new tricks.

There are other communities. And I have friends who just use Flown, though it’s not ADHD specific.

Going from you helping extensively to self reliance might be too much. So an interim stage where he’s learning to self support with coaches and peers could be helpful.

I wouldn’t blame yourself op. A friend asked me recently when it’s ok to let a ND young adult learn by failing, and I think as late as possible tbh, they need more scaffolding then a NT young person.

https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

This might be helpful. A friend with ADHD gets 2 hours a week of coaching/executive function tasks support.

Op. This resonates with me. I applied for university and jobs for my now 24 year old son. He was just sooo laid back, nothing seemed to be happening until I instigated it. I was terrified if I didn’t take over, then he’d just do nothing!
Its hard to step back, it’s still a work in progress but I’m hoping that as each year goes by, they will grow and become more aware and self-motivated.
Like another op said, it’s up to me to work on my anxiety around it.

I found this very interesting. I’ve seen the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach but haven’t read it yet - did you take your approach from this book or is there something else that you would recommend?

OP - it sounds like you are a great mum, you’ve done so much for your son and your heart is in the right place. Wishing you all the best.

My brother was like this. My dad practically broke himself trying to get him to be an independent person out in the world. From getting him up in the morning, making him wash, making him go to bed. They tried everything...weaning off support, fully supporting, stopping support (brother just stopped and spent all day in bed). Eventually, when he was thirty, they asked him to leave.

My brother is now in his 60s. He still lives like that. On benefits. Never worked in 20 years.
My parents are dead, but at least had a decade or more without my brother in their house ruining their mental health.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but on reflection there was nothing my parents could have done to change him. He is the man he was always going to be regardless of any assistance or support. I wish they'd realised it earlier and put their own oxygen masks on first.

Being ND doesn't mean we are useless.

You've mollycoddled him!

I did and always have done my own thing.

Is he on medication? If not might be worth considering. I'd also suggest an ADHD life coach too, maybe a male to help bond with.

He needs to be able to fend for himself!

It's not always that way though!
I dont know if it's because I'm female and yes I have a very supportive mother. However I've always done my own thing, got my own jobs and kept this one for 20 years!

It is a disability but it also doesn't have to hold us back. People like us need to find their own way and do it.

It can be done. I'm organised because I make myself organised. Phone calendar is my best friend haha.

exactly, if i do nothing, will nothing happen? Maybe eventually it would have to happen, i am trying slowly to make him more independant and capable, i am determined no matter how hard it is x