Help me with my adult son

[lucyloo25]

My young adult 25 is out of work (was working but laid off recently) they are adhd also. I admit i have done everything for them, i applied for uni didnt work , applied for most jobs inititally, they then went for interviews, have got them all and worked well, but, thats because i am waking them daily and ushering out the door. I plan my weekends around waking them and making sure they dont sleep too late. I am exhausted and cant carry on. Just dawned on me that if i dont make the changes now, this will go on and on.
what can i do? I decided to stop researching jobs for them now and decided to stop the waking thing as it controls my every day!
I think i have over compensated as they are ND and i thought because of this i need to swoop in and do it all, by doing it all, i have stopped them figuring out things for themselves.

Now it has started to affect my MH (highly anxious) i know its time to STOP.
any help appreciated mumsnetters from a mum on the brink.

and yes ,i have started reading a book a friend recommended about controlling my own emotions and reactions to situations, its life changing!

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

You will physically be unable to support him in 20 years , and beyond that even a good inheritance may be quickly spent without a wise head.

Make sure you reassure him he always has your love and a place to rest and basic food, but look to slowly give him more responsibility and independence.

EDIT: Just realized ND/ ADHD - but the point still stands, you cannot fill in for him forever.

He is lucky to have a caring mother. From an ADHD point of view, it’s likely the moment someone tries to take over anything - be it finances, holiday planning, Christmas shopping, job hunt - he will likely switch off as the information overload and pressure is overwhelming.

Give him space to procrastinate a bit and he will likely reach a point where he thinks ‘let’s do this’ and will surprise you, with quick progress.

Well you are right it isn't always like that because not everybody is equally disabled by it.

I was diagnosed late in life because no matter how many notes, calendars or alarms I set, I continued to struggle. Making notes for things only worked if I was immediately available to make those notes, and the older I got and the more responsibilities befell me, the less capacity I had to make notes. Making notes was another task. Anything with more than 2 steps was paralysingly difficult.

It isn't because I don't want to be organised and would rather be lazy. It isn't for lack of trying. It is that my executive functioning is far lower than other people.

It is wonderful that you have found ways to work to your strengths, but the disabling part of the disability is that it causes significant disadvantage because there aren't always work around, and there is science to support that people with ADHD take years to form habits that people without ADHD can form in less than 1 month.

It isn't a case of sheer willpowering yourself to not be disabled by your disability. It the significance of the neurological differences between yourself and other people. Just like with autism, some people may never speak, and some people may be hyperverbal and hyperlexic, it isn't that those who are non-verbal haven't tried hard enough to not be held back by their inability to speak.

Could you tell me the name of the book please, op x

thanks so much for such supportive replies and taking on board the advice.

The book is 'Stop Letting everything affect you' by Daniel Cidiac x

Completely true. I have ADHD but can function fairly well and hold down a job, manage life admin, etc. But I know others diagnosed who struggle with normal day to day functioning, let alone working.

I got lucky, they didn't. ADHD is a VERY broad church.

can i pm you, thanks

Absolutely you can