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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I missing something?….HELP!

46 replies

Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:23

My husband and I have always had, what I would consider, a healthy relationship when it comes to balancing doing things as a couple/family and alone/with friends individually. We always check if it’s ok with the other when it comes to personal plans, in terms of checking they look after children. We’ve been together 15 years, children 10 & 6. He largely works from home and I work part time in an office. We see each other a lot on my days off and have a busy lifestyle socially and with the children.

However, recently I’ve felt like my catch ups with my friends (without him) are causing a problem. I write things on shared calendar plus tell him and he’s is fine with it. Yet when it comes to it or just after the event he’s kicking off saying I’m never at home, never make time for him and basically leading a single life!

I work, run a house doing all the chores, look after the family and yes, I enjoy catch ups with my friends over coffee, dinner or walks occasionally on my days off. Not sure why this is suddenly a problem when we have multiple things booked in for us to do together.
It’s really baffling me and upsetting me as I’m starting to feel awkward to see my friends, like I need to ask for permission! I’ve even cancelled plans with friend saying I can’t make it, lying I’m unwell just because I feel I can’t go because I’ve ’been out all the time!.’ I’m avoiding giving dates to people of when I free and now leading my friends to ask questions why I can’t make time for them!

Final straw today being that I went Christmas shopping (as planned), with a friend and bought stocking fillers for the children. Not main presents as we choose those together but he’s had a go at me saying I’ve ruined our shopping trip together as planned to get kids present- I’ve got stocking fillers and a cheap football kit as it was in the sale! I just feel like I can’t do right. He’s frustrated if I’m working too much and not at home, doesn’t understand and gets annoyed if I go to bed early when I’m exhausted from work because he wants us to watch tv together. I get that he wants to see me and the feeling is mutual but it’s starting to feel very unbalanced. This isn’t anything new as far as I’m concerned so why is he suddenly bothered about how much I’m doing!??

TIA x

OP posts:
canklesmctacotits · 27/11/2025 00:25

Have you talked to him about this?

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 27/11/2025 00:26

It sounds like he has become very controlling and that would worry me. Can you sit down with him and get the root of what the problem is? I wouldn’t be happy with this new control over my life

Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:40

canklesmctacotits · 27/11/2025 00:25

Have you talked to him about this?

Yes I have a few months back when he first blew up about it. I’d booked to see a friend, had been in shared diary for weeks. On the day, DS came to say Dad was taking him out that evening. I was surprised as and said I thought he was looking after him and DD. Reminding DH I was out and therefore he needed to look after youngest also he went mad saying, I’m out all the time and have all this stuff booked in and nothing for us, if ever suggests going out on our days off I say I’ve got housework to do and dismiss doing something together. I understand to some degree but the sudden outburst and planning something last minute over the top of my plans really stank and involving DS too. It turned out I cancelled these plans to prevent upset and he could go with DS…turned out he dint take him out after all!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:44

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 27/11/2025 00:26

It sounds like he has become very controlling and that would worry me. Can you sit down with him and get the root of what the problem is? I wouldn’t be happy with this new control over my life

I’m really very sad about this. I have bought it up and he just comes across as if I have no time for him at all. We have stuff booked in as a family and as a couple. I don’t see the big deal, like if he chose to go out I wouldn’t care at all, the way it’s always been. I don’t know how to approach it so to not dismiss his feelings if he is genuinely feeling unloved or something. I’d understand if this was new for me but this has always been like this!

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 27/11/2025 00:44

He needs to stop wfh all the time he’s lonely.

Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:46

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/11/2025 00:44

He needs to stop wfh all the time he’s lonely.

Sorry to be dumb, do you mean I need to stop as he’s feeling lonely or he needs to stop?

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 27/11/2025 00:49

Odd thats a recent development. Any changes in his life? Anything different happening at work. Is he hiding something and projecting onto you?

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/11/2025 00:50

I mean he is unsuited to largely working from home. (Obviously I don’t know either of you, but that would be my guess)

EdgarAllenRaven · 27/11/2025 00:51

Just out of interest, how many times per week are out without him..?
(Not that he can control you, but I’d possibly understand more if it’s very frequent)

Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:51

Whatifitallgoesright · 27/11/2025 00:49

Odd thats a recent development. Any changes in his life? Anything different happening at work. Is he hiding something and projecting onto you?

He’s very open about work and things going on, we communicate well on this and often speak for some time over a variety of things. We’ve always been good communicators but with this I just feel very closed off. I don’t know how to handle it and it’s not sitting right with me. No changes in his life I otherwise…that I know about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:55

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/11/2025 00:50

I mean he is unsuited to largely working from home. (Obviously I don’t know either of you, but that would be my guess)

He works from home but is his own boss so not a strict calendar in a sense he’s sat working from 9-5 at home. He makes time for himself in between his work albeit with friends , hobbies or downtime. If im at work im out so I have a schedule and that it. I dont get time at home alone ever, my time out is seeing friends etc.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 27/11/2025 00:58

It sounds like he knows if he makes a fuss you will cancel your plans.

Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 00:59

EdgarAllenRaven · 27/11/2025 00:51

Just out of interest, how many times per week are out without him..?
(Not that he can control you, but I’d possibly understand more if it’s very frequent)

When the initial outburst about me seemingly leading a single life came about, that week I had dinner with girl group booked in, dinner with same girls but with the children so they can catch up booked in the following weekend (both planned for months). One of the girls from the group does my nails so had her booked in just for nails in the same week and that was it. He said I’ve got time for them and not for him. My DS asked him why he isn’t coming to the dinner with the kids, with me in ear shot he told her because he’s not invited!! She then quizzed me about it and put me on the spot! It’s was so upset with him. Why isn’t he saying to her because you’re going with Mummy so you can she your friends and she can she hers!!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Leona326 · 27/11/2025 01:13

nutbrownhare15 · 27/11/2025 00:58

It sounds like he knows if he makes a fuss you will cancel your plans.

Hmm, yes well I did at the initial thought of it all and felt like maybe I have been out a lot but mainly at work, so cancelled the dinner. But since then he’s now been fine about things then when I’ve done it gone mad. He’s making me question my recollection of conversations we’ve had about things. I feel like he wants me to spend all my days off with him doing things at our leisure. That’s not real life to me, there’s stuff that isn’t going to do itself so on my days off I do that or want to see friends. Our time together is in the evenings and always has been.

OP posts:
JWR · 27/11/2025 07:16

So going to work isn’t “going out” and maybe you’d have more time to do stuff on weekends/days out if you weren’t doing all the housework?

parietal · 27/11/2025 07:24

If you go back over the last month and add up the non-work hours, how many are you spending with him v kids v friends? See if you think that balance is right and then discuss with him calmly when the kids aren’t there.

if he wfh and you aren’t working everyday, do you have lunch with him? That can be a good time to talk like adults without distractions

MagpiePi · 27/11/2025 07:47

I don't think it is necessarily a case of he has suddenly turned into a controlling monster and you should LTB, more that there is a mismatch of expectations.

I feel like he wants me to spend all my days off with him doing things at our leisure. That’s not real life to me, there’s stuff that isn’t going to do itself so on my days off I do that or want to see friends.

From his point of view, you can make time around the 'stuff that isn't going to do itself' to go out and see friends, which you count as 'real life' but you can't make time for him. You are saying by your actions that you'd rather do boring jobs around the house than spend time with him, and that you will only spend time with him if it is in the evening and has been booked in advance. I guess he is feeling like you spending time with him is just another chore that has to be scheduled rather than feeling that you actually like him and want to spend time with him.

Duckswaddle · 27/11/2025 07:51

I’m sorry he’s being a controlling, gaslighting prick.

Medexpert · 27/11/2025 07:54

You've got too options. 1. You listen to others telling you he is wrong, find all the reasons why he is wrong and how his attitude makes him controlling, you a victim and you are therefore not going to change. Or 2. You trust, after 15 years together in a good relationship, that maybe, he might have a little bit of a point in what he says, and that ultimately, he is expressing that something is upsetting him.

  1. You both stick to your mutual position, he thinks your selfish and don't love him any more, you think he is selfish and controlling, resentment builds up to the point the conflict becomes unrepearable.
  1. You trust each other and talk about it. Talking as in openly listening to each other and accepting how each other are feeling. You then look at options going forward about repearing your relationship. Both make an effort, it brings gs you closer.
Blowing · 27/11/2025 07:56

I would hate this. I cannot bear controlling men. And I find it exceptionally unattractive behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. Do not change your plans again. It will be hard but he has to deal with it.

stichguru · 27/11/2025 08:02

Medexpert · 27/11/2025 07:54

You've got too options. 1. You listen to others telling you he is wrong, find all the reasons why he is wrong and how his attitude makes him controlling, you a victim and you are therefore not going to change. Or 2. You trust, after 15 years together in a good relationship, that maybe, he might have a little bit of a point in what he says, and that ultimately, he is expressing that something is upsetting him.

  1. You both stick to your mutual position, he thinks your selfish and don't love him any more, you think he is selfish and controlling, resentment builds up to the point the conflict becomes unrepearable.
  1. You trust each other and talk about it. Talking as in openly listening to each other and accepting how each other are feeling. You then look at options going forward about repearing your relationship. Both make an effort, it brings gs you closer.

This completely and utterly. What do you want from the marriage now?

INeedAnotherAlibi · 27/11/2025 08:13

My XH did this. I’d say about socialising. He’d be all for it. No problem, he’d look after DC. Then when I was getting ready to go out, he’d create problems, start an argument, question something. I’d still go out (on principle) but it was like he wanted to sour the mood so I didn’t really enjoy it. At one point, he complained I prioritised my friends over him and that hurt me..so I stepped back from my friendships. I realised eventually he was controlling and it had very slowly got worse over the years. He was trying to isolate me from my friends and family. I had what I called a ‘learned dependence’ on him. He made it so I felt like I relied heavily on him. It’s amazing what I can do without him now!
Think very carefully about this. You’re doing the vast majority of the housework. He complains that you don’t spend time with him because you’re doing that or spending time with friends..but he’s not stepping up. He is controlling. Sounds like he’s gaslighting too if you both recall conversations differently 🤔 I imagine the only way to placate him is to spend less time with your friends, but this is a slippery slope to letting him control things..

Barney16 · 27/11/2025 08:22

I would say well if you did half the housework that would make time for us to do fun stuff. Or, let's get a cleaner so we can do fun stuff together. Seems fairly straightforward. Then see what happens. Not quite sure why I used the phrase fun stuff tbh, but you get my drift. It's his house too right, he lives in it, makes a mess in it, has laundry, eats. Sooo, he needs to stop moaning and do his share. If he doesn't then you have to have a think.

TheatricalLife · 27/11/2025 08:23

I had one of those. He used to make me feel so shit about going out I'd end up cancelling or not bothering to make plans at all as I knew the sulking and silent treatment would start up. I'd absolutely dread telling him anything. I don't know why I put up with it for so long, but it seemed to evolve slowly and creep up so I didn't realise how bad it had become. It did dawn eventually.

WearyCat · 27/11/2025 08:29

Sounds like you could usefully go back over your calendars and work out how much you do without him, and how much you do with him; whether these have changed recently or stayed quite similar. Pp mentioned that he might have a point, others have suggested that he is controlling and that this trait maybe escalating. Actually looking back at the record might help you to work out which it is? And if your perception is correct, it gives you the confidence to argue your case.