Am I missing something?….HELP!

[Leona326]

My husband and I have always had, what I would consider, a healthy relationship when it comes to balancing doing things as a couple/family and alone/with friends individually. We always check if it’s ok with the other when it comes to personal plans, in terms of checking they look after children. We’ve been together 15 years, children 10 & 6. He largely works from home and I work part time in an office. We see each other a lot on my days off and have a busy lifestyle socially and with the children.

However, recently I’ve felt like my catch ups with my friends (without him) are causing a problem. I write things on shared calendar plus tell him and he’s is fine with it. Yet when it comes to it or just after the event he’s kicking off saying I’m never at home, never make time for him and basically leading a single life!

I work, run a house doing all the chores, look after the family and yes, I enjoy catch ups with my friends over coffee, dinner or walks occasionally on my days off. Not sure why this is suddenly a problem when we have multiple things booked in for us to do together.
It’s really baffling me and upsetting me as I’m starting to feel awkward to see my friends, like I need to ask for permission! I’ve even cancelled plans with friend saying I can’t make it, lying I’m unwell just because I feel I can’t go because I’ve ’been out all the time!.’ I’m avoiding giving dates to people of when I free and now leading my friends to ask questions why I can’t make time for them!

Final straw today being that I went Christmas shopping (as planned), with a friend and bought stocking fillers for the children. Not main presents as we choose those together but he’s had a go at me saying I’ve ruined our shopping trip together as planned to get kids present- I’ve got stocking fillers and a cheap football kit as it was in the sale! I just feel like I can’t do right. He’s frustrated if I’m working too much and not at home, doesn’t understand and gets annoyed if I go to bed early when I’m exhausted from work because he wants us to watch tv together. I get that he wants to see me and the feeling is mutual but it’s starting to feel very unbalanced. This isn’t anything new as far as I’m concerned so why is he suddenly bothered about how much I’m doing!??

TIA x

Firstly, I definitely wouldn’t be cancelling plans.
You don’t want to start that as then it becomes a problem.

Do you think you have increased your time away from him more?

Is working from home a relatively new thing?

I think WFH takes away that social aspect where you just want to be alone after work.
I have noticed that many people WFH either become more unsociable or they crave being around other people.

I find this really difficult because no way would anyone ever tell me what I can do BUT we all know that if you had posted this saying that you feel DH sees his friends too much, you work FT, your DH only works PT but when you’re not working DH is off with his friends and not spending much time with you - then the replies would be very different.

You say you get Christmas gifts together but then you did go Christmas shopping and bought them things for their stockings - I can see how that would be really hurtful.
It’s one thing to pick a couple things up if you see them but you purposely went and did their stockings without him.

There needs to be a balance here and lots of communication.
There needs to be equal time between you seeing your friends, him seeing his friends and you both seeing each other and doing things as a couple/family.

I’m out all the time and have all this stuff booked in and nothing for us, if ever suggests going out on our days off I say I’ve got housework to do and dismiss doing something together.

Is this true?

When you have a day off do you spend it with him?
Or are you seeing your friends or saying you need to do housework?

If you work PT so on your days off do housework but then occasionally see your friends on those days off - then I can see why he’d be annoyed if you use the housework excuse to not do anything with him.

Thanks everyone, so many replies and really nice to get a variety of honest opinions. I think it’s made me re-evaluate things, maybe I haven’t prioritised spending time with him enough and he’s starting to feel it. I’m not going to stop seeing friends but I’ll make sure that’s balanced with spending quality time with him and doing what I can around the house inbetween.

Is your DH pulling his weight with the housework?

There is some truth in this. WFH is SO isolating and does tend to make you rely on your spouse a bit too much for entertainment. It also means you are less likely to meet new people and make new friends.

But you do say OP that you don't have that much time for outings with him. He has a right to be upset about that.

I'd chat with him, and ensure you plan as many outings together as you do with friends. Don't prioritise them over him. Any spouse would feel sad and angry about that and he has a right to express those feelings.

But I'd also say his reaction to Christmas Shopping was concerning. he is setting too much store by a pretty minor event and also deciding in advance what it should be like. It is perfectly reasonable to buy some presents in advance. His reaction suggests more is going on. Is he lonely? Does he need to make more effort to see his own friends, or make new ones? Does he have hobbies, charity work, exercise etc outside the home that provide some socialising. If not, he needs to add these to his life.

@Medexpert "Or 2. You trust, after 15 years together in a good relationship, that maybe, he might have a little bit of a point in what he says, and that ultimately, he is expressing that something is upsetting him."

Pretty much this.

Could you plan a walk together and talk that way nice and relaxed say to him things feel off kilter .. has something changed to make him feel this way .
Tell him it's important to you that you see your friends and thought you were balancing life well reassure him maybe x

Wot @Barney16said

start scheduling time for him to do 50% of the housework so you have more free time some of which you can spend with him.

I really can’t stand men who complaint in this way rather than pulling their socks up and suggesting things you would enjoy to do together.

I feel like he wants me to spend all my days off with him doing things at our leisure. That’s not real life to me, there’s stuff that isn’t going to do itself so on my days off I do that or want to see friends. Our time together is in the evenings and always has been.

It sounds like he has a point if you only ever spend evenings with him - and you also said you've been going to bed earlier lately.

This doesn't make sense. He sounds as though he is beginning to gaslight you in questioning your perceptions and recollections. Making you look in the wrong all the time

Is he hiding something?

Perhaps you should both go to Counsellng, Couples Therapy, Marriage Guidance Sessions or similar.

🫰
x

Is the definitely not having a flare of a mental health issue? My DH has OCD and this is very much the kind of out of character stuff that happens when it flares up.

Why isn’t he doing his share of housework?

Don’t cancel plans, he will become more controlling.

I would suggest confiding in a couple of close friends. They have already seen a change in you and could definitely help see perspective or give advice. I also think it’s safer so if things do escalate you have people close to look out for you.

I'd hand him a duster or the hoover, tell him what housework task to share, if he helps out it will take half the time, then you can go out together.

Have his friendships dwindled lately? My DH had a lot of friends when we got together but none of them have put the work in over the last 15 years so as a result his friendships have withered on the vine while mine are thriving. My DH is a real introvert so doesn’t really care that I’m out quite a lot when he isn’t (he says he likes the space) but if he is feeling lonely it might be rubbing salt in the wound. That doesn’t make it your fault. Has he been willing to listen to your POV at all when you talk about it?

We don't know your relationship OP, how would he make all these claims with no basis?

People are quick to say LTB, but could you be having blind spots to some of the things he's saying?

A lot of posts on here claim DH/DW has walked out or asked for a divorce out of the blue, when in reality there are usually signs along the way that people are too busy to notice.

The good thing is he's voicing his worries, being dismissive isn't going to help.

Whether he's controlling or genuinely misses you is someone none of us can say.

How often (eg times an average month) -

• do you make plans with him
• do you make plans with friends
• does he make plans with you
• does he male plans with friends

That might give you an idea if there is an imbalance

Either way though it sounds as though he is going about dealing with this in a really crao way, getting angry and expecting you to cancel plans you've already made, fucking about pretending he is going to take your son out so that you have to stay at home with your daughter etc. That's not on, if he is wanting more time with you or feeling hurt he can use his words and ha e a calm discussion about it

It's worrying that you are making excuses not to see your friends because you are worried about his reaction as well. That's not good

I personally get the impression that he wants to support you, but he misses you. Maybe he feels a bit like you'd rather spend time with friends than with him. Might be completely wrong, but that's the feeling I'm getting from reading this.

You’ve explained when this first started happening, but haven’t really answered the question of whether you’ve talked to him about it?
Not ‘in the moment’ of a kick-off, but when all is calm and you can ask him what has changed, why is he suddenly bothered by your lone social activity.

Ask DH if he feels threatened by you spending time with friends?
Is he feeling insecure?
What else could be causing this insecurity?
Have any good friends separated?
Health? Getting older?
Do you still share most of your intimate opinions with him?
Are you invested in how he feels?
Does he have friends to socialise with?
Could you try more socialising together with friends and also more date nights alone?
Can you choose to see friends at times when it is less noticable that it impinges on your family time? When DH is working?
Maybe don't show him all of your small shopping sprees if he will feel left out. Be more considerate.

You absolutely need to stop cancelling. If he can see you are doing that he will expect it evey time.

If he wasn't like it before you need to get to the bottom of what's changed. He is the one who needs to resolve this not you

To me it sounds like he's not organising his time properly, not listening to you and failing to check the calendar and then deflecting by blaming you when you point out his mistake.

Tell him you'll ensure you have quality time together but he needs to take responsibility and be accountable for organising his time properly- blaming you because he hasn't check the calendar isn't acceptable (and he needs to grow up).