To be absolutely heartbroken

[BillyRaeBlue]

It’s been a hard two years. I lost my little sister to suicide in the most horrific way. She died in my arms and I saw things no human being should ever have to see.

Even when I didn’t feel like it I tried my very best to meet my husband’s “needs”. Sometimes it was great, sometimes I would secretly be crying because my heart was hurting. My sister was my whole world. Since she died I’ve been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases, other chronic conditions and mental health disorders including C-PTSD from our horrific childhood and the things I witnessed when she died. Life has been hard. That doesn’t mean I’ve just given up. I’m taking the meds, doing the therapy, I have a psychiatrist. I’m doing all the right things to try find myself again in all of this.

Sex has always been painful and always caused bleeding. I’ve had 6 colposcopies in 12 months. I recently had an internal ultrasound and an MRI and I’ve been diagnosed with Adenomyosis. My DH and I haven’t been intimate in a year because of the extreme bleeding it normally causes. I miss him so much.

Today has been a good day. A day I haven’t felt pain or discomfort for quite some time. I sat down on the bed while my husband was relaxing and suggested that maybe we try again tonight. I appreciate that it was out of the blue and unexpected but what I didn’t expect was the utter disgust on his face. The repulsion. Like I was suggesting something sickening and horrific.

My heart dropped to the floor. I feel unwanted. Unloved. Repulsive. He is not seeing anyone else. I know this for sure. I work with him as his administrator and know where he is at all times. For work. Not in a weird way, before anyone comes for me. He never sneaks off. Both of our phones are an open book to each other because of work. This is about ME. How he doesn’t want me. How the thought of having me made him look sick tonight.

What do I do? AIBU to think this isn’t normal? I’m feeling hurt beyond words right now. If he wasn’t ready I’d respect that but this reaction has left me floored. 21 years together and this has never happened. Not even once.

Sorry to hear this. Did he say anything? Could he just be worried/concerned?

be kind to yourself x

I’m sorry for your losses.

i think you need to talk to him. Maybe the expression was one of concern that it might hurt you. I don’t think you can read faces perfectly.

Awww OP I am so sorry for all that you have been through.

Could it be that he was shocked after all this time and that he was worried about hurting you / having sex affecting your health?

Is he generally kind and respectful to you?

Are you sure you didn't just catch him off guard and he's tired and just lounging and his first thought was that he couldn't be bothered and then definitely couldn't be bothered because it would require showering and changing sheets after? I wouldn't count that as a rejection of you at all, but I can totally see how it would feel like that in the moment.

You have to speak to him. You may have misinterpreted.

There are many different ways to be intimate. Can you instigate something spontaneously and see where it goes?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Really? Showering and changing the sheets after?

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss, and everything you’ve had to go through since.

Secondly, I agree with the people who say you need to talk to your husband about this. If you aren’t suspicious that he’s cheating then it may well be that you just caught him very off guard and he didn’t know what to do!

Hey OP .
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through so much shit in your life & then to lose your sister 😔 x

What Did your husband say to you ?
Please don’t feel bad about yourself, I know it’s easy for me to say , but can you go talk to your husband now x

It sounds like you've had a horrific time of it but you are reading a lot into his expression. Given your fragile state mentally and emotionally you are more likely to misinterpret. Talk to him, schedule a time when you can properly chat and find out what's really going on. He may be afraid of hurting you so maybe you could find intimacy in other ways. Please don't panic

Oh, op your post has made me so sad. I am very sorry for your loss. You are a true survivor, an amazing woman ❤️

I'm sure it wasnt about you. He probably was surprised or preoccupied?

Op, what can you do to take time out from daily life? Can you get a break? You've survived so much, I feel like you just need some peace!

All the best xx

Definitely talk to him , I highly doubt that he was repulsed at the thought of of sex with you
you sound very depressed and seeing everything through shit tinted glasses
have you tried exercising as a mood lifter? Maybe couple related like ball room dancing course that you can connect over and bond

sex should not be the only way you connect
wishing you all the very best you sound v brave and tough and will come out of this a better person

Gently, you seem to have read a lot into what was probably a fleeting glance.

Maybe he was worried about his own capacity to respond physically? You need to talk to him, not to say how you interpreted that look but to ask how he feels about restarting your sex life.

I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said your husband may well have just been surprised by your request or not have wanted to risk hurting you. Talk to him and give things time. It sounds like you have been through some horrendous times, but are so strong.

I am a bit concerned when you say you tried to meet your husbands "needs". You shouldn't feel like you have to have sex when you don't want to or are in phsyical or emotional pain. I hope your husband never pressured you to do this. Maybe he had now sensed how difficult sex was for you before and is worried to risk putting you in the same situation again.

Well yes, the OP says she bleeds heavily whenever they have sex

I was listening to a BBCR4 programme earlier, part of a series called ‘child’ with this episode focused on the emotion ‘anger’. Part of it examined facial expressions, which suggested that they aren’t always what you think they mean e.g. what is perceived as an angry scowl might just be someone concentrating hard, being confused, concerned or surprised.
Are you certain he was disgusted by your suggestion OP? Have you talked about it? I’m not trying to diminish your feelings but there might be a chance that he was caught by surprise and was trying to process his thoughts.
I do completely understand how upset you feel though, as a similar thing happened to me when I dressed up for DH many moons ago and he says it caught him by surprise when he was tired and had just got in from work - but all I felt was ashamed and humiliated. Needless to say, despite much reassurance, I’ve never made the effort to do that again and my carefully chosen beer wench outfit went straight in the bin!
I’m so sorry you’ve had such debilitating gynae issues and really hope you manage to get back on an even keel.x

So sorry about your sister - how utterly soul destroying.
I had adenomyosis and couldn't have any intimacy. It can cause fear in the man when you are in pain and they're put off. It doesn't mean he sees you as repulsive, the look could easily have been one of shock .
How did the conversation go?
Please be kind to yourself and hug yourself. 💐

It sounds like you’ve had an incredibly difficult time of things OP, I’m truly sorry for your sister dying under such traumatic circumstance. Could it be that your husband is just worried about you? If you’ve had over a year of no sex (which is understandable considering everything you’ve been through) it perhaps isn’t surprising that he might be a little surprised and/or worried as you suddenly bringing it up as a possibility?

I would really try to not let this colour your feelings for him, could you try and speak to him about this and express how it made you feel?

What? You shower and change the sheets after having sex?

You know that's not normal, right?

Could you have mistaken his look for one of concern? If he knows how painful you find sex he might be worried he hurts you or causes you pain and was panicking?
I’m sorry for the loss of your sister - in love mine dearly and it must be a dreadful pain

You've got to talk to him. Find out if the look meant what you think. You've been through so much, such a hellish time. You're brave and strong. Reach out to him. See what he says

Have you read the OP's post? She usually bleeds heavily during sex. So yes, I'd shower and change the sheets if they were covered in blood.

I'm more concerned that you've been having sex with your husband even when in tears and distraught and just doing it to meet his 'needs'. That's not great, OP, and it's even worse if he was aware of that, and aware of how much pain you were in, but still went ahead?

Is he generally a good and loving man? If so, then maybe as pp have said, you misinterpreted his look.

Honestly I think this is a nothing in the whole scheme of things.
He probably thinks sex is out of the question at the moment and he's horrified u thinking about it because Ur body isn't up to it.