To be absolutely heartbroken

[BillyRaeBlue]

It’s been a hard two years. I lost my little sister to suicide in the most horrific way. She died in my arms and I saw things no human being should ever have to see.

Even when I didn’t feel like it I tried my very best to meet my husband’s “needs”. Sometimes it was great, sometimes I would secretly be crying because my heart was hurting. My sister was my whole world. Since she died I’ve been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases, other chronic conditions and mental health disorders including C-PTSD from our horrific childhood and the things I witnessed when she died. Life has been hard. That doesn’t mean I’ve just given up. I’m taking the meds, doing the therapy, I have a psychiatrist. I’m doing all the right things to try find myself again in all of this.

Sex has always been painful and always caused bleeding. I’ve had 6 colposcopies in 12 months. I recently had an internal ultrasound and an MRI and I’ve been diagnosed with Adenomyosis. My DH and I haven’t been intimate in a year because of the extreme bleeding it normally causes. I miss him so much.

Today has been a good day. A day I haven’t felt pain or discomfort for quite some time. I sat down on the bed while my husband was relaxing and suggested that maybe we try again tonight. I appreciate that it was out of the blue and unexpected but what I didn’t expect was the utter disgust on his face. The repulsion. Like I was suggesting something sickening and horrific.

My heart dropped to the floor. I feel unwanted. Unloved. Repulsive. He is not seeing anyone else. I know this for sure. I work with him as his administrator and know where he is at all times. For work. Not in a weird way, before anyone comes for me. He never sneaks off. Both of our phones are an open book to each other because of work. This is about ME. How he doesn’t want me. How the thought of having me made him look sick tonight.

What do I do? AIBU to think this isn’t normal? I’m feeling hurt beyond words right now. If he wasn’t ready I’d respect that but this reaction has left me floored. 21 years together and this has never happened. Not even once.

Oh sweetheart… Sending you so much love. You have endured so much. I am so sorry for your loss.

It’s impossible to say whether the expression you saw on your husband’s face was disgust, or fear of hurting you, or panic that he himself wouldn’t be able to perform… we don’t know you or your husband, we aren’t involved in the mechanics of your relationship. If your husband is ordinarily loving and supportive and understanding, what you are reading as disgust could well be fear.

Please, talk to your husband. All love to you.

Sometimes I literally say "oh god no!" when DP suggests sex, if I'm not in the mood or I'm knackered.. he just laughs and we cuddle instead. Sometimes sex is the last thing you want. I'd honestly try and forget about it, unless it happens regularly.

Sorry for the loss of your sister. You need to be easy on yourself to heal from that.

Shower and change of sheets.... Why?

Oh OP, you've been through so much, I feel like I want to give you a hug. I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer, but you should absolutely not be made to feel like that, no one should. 💐

I think I would try and take the focus off penetrative sex, and get a bottle of baby oil and enjoy that?? We don’t have penetration sex during my period but still managed to have naked intimacy which we both enjoy…

Also, I hope you’re going to counselling or a bereavement support group or something to help you deal with your trauma..

I have endometriosis so I've often bled after sex. I've always put a towel down though beforehand and then maybe had a quick wash afterwards. Blood has never gotten on the sheets though if I had a towel down. Afterwards the towel would get rolled up, put in the washing basket and then washed the next day with the rest of the washing.

I doubt very much it was revulsion, more likely shock and perhaps fear. He doesn't want to hurt you.

Talk to your husband. There are many ways of making love, it doesn't have to be penetrative sex.

Has a hysterectomy been considered for you? That would take away the problem.

Definitely have a shower/ bath afterwards!!

I am so very sorry for all that you have been through, especially the loss of your sister in such a traumatising way.

sex has always been painful and always caused bleeding.

Isn't it possible he's actually a good guy and feels awful at the idea of hurting you again?

If my partner had been through a terrible time, and was bleeding and in pain, I would probably be scared, which can look like disgust. I would probably try to go for counselling, and maybe go to the doctor with them (if they wanted that) to get advice about any ways to avoid bleeding or pain for them.
I can completely respect how you feel, but that doesn't make him a bad person. If he wasn't a least a little concerned, I'd be worried he wasn't decent.

gosh no, before going to sleep? Definitively NOT having a shower, let alone a bath, after.

My wife always always reads my face wrong and jumps to the worst possible conclusion. Often I laugh and explain what I was feeling and what my face was trying to express.

If I was in your husbands position (we have had long periods of no sex too, so I do know what that is like) and my primary concern was you, your feelings and also your needs.
I think I would go through sever emotions at once.
I would be wondering instantly if you really wanted to or were just doing it "for me" in which case yes the disgusted face would be there but not because of not wanting you but the thought of being intamate when thats not what you really want (I hope that makes sense).

I would be concerned that you would feel pain and again that would cause a face but this time utter concern.

I would be excited and surprised (more different faces)

And I would also have the acceptance of not being intimate but knowing that is not the most important thing in a marriage - broken and that would cause another face.

Smash all those faces together and you'd have a really wierd unable to comprehend what's going on face.

Did he say he was disgusted or did you interpret that from his everything felt at the same time face.

If he said he was disgusted then he is an arse. If not maybe have a conversation and figure out where his head is at.

Exactly. What if you have sex in the middle of the night? As if I'm getting a bath at 3am.

Bunch of weirdos in this thread.

Yes because OP has said sex causes her to bleed!

I'd be quite offended if my man insisted on jumping in the shower every time we had sex 😂

I’m sorry for the loss of your sister. Could your husband have erectile disfunction that you don’t know about and be thinking I’m not ready for this rather than thinking yuck? Try kissing, cuddling and talking

Good grief.

I would be horrified at the thought of having sex with my husband if it hurt him and made him bleed heavily and yes I would definitely think yuck at the thought of that - but as well as that I would definitely not trust that I was not hurting him and would not want to hurt him.

If this has been happening for years, he has now conflated sex with you with lots of bleeding and pain for you.

It is not abnormal at all for him not to want to have sex with you in these circumstances and it would be wrong to try to coerce him.

You should seek couples counselling.

OP, you've decided what he felt. You've no idea whether what you thought is true or not. When I'm not in a good place I am very capable of thinking the worst and usually being completely wrong.

OP, I think you're projecting an awful lot of feelings on to your husband here and making all sorts of assumptions about him that are, very likely, not correct. You don't sound like you're in a great place mentally right now and I think you're maybe seeing everything through a negative lens.

Your husband didn't feel like having sex, on one occasion. That doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive or that he doesn't love you or anything else. It is perfectly reasonable and OK for anyone to say no to sex.I'm guessing he was surprised (as it hasn't happened for a year) and concerned (because it's previously led to you bleeding and being in pain) and probably couldn't just flick a switch to rekindle his libido on the spot. For all you know, he might have had a wank shortly before you approached him and was fully aware he wasn't going to be able to get it up. There are a million reasons why a man might not feel like it.