Counselling was a disaster-so now I should just try amd shove it all back in a box

[WellThatDidntWork]

I've NC'd for this.

After years of "just getting on with it", I decided to try counselling to process a fairly traumatic childhood.

The counsellor was lovely and really skilled but honestly, it was just the most brutal experience, 4 weeks after the first session and I am still reeling from it, its brought up flashbacks and nightmares, re opened wounds and my emotions are just all over the place.

I cancelled the future sessions because I cannot live like this, they told me I probably have PTSD which is why I had such a strong reaction and need a certain type of therapy, but I just cannot face it.

Can I just stick everything back in the box and just ignore the past? Has anyone else had this experience with counselling? I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this.

well if you want to process your difficult childhood then you have to be able to face it in the here and now - else nothing is going to change .
it’s a shame you couldn’t stick with the process - sounds like it could’ve benefitted you .

I think you need to persevere but at your own pace. I went through an awful experience with my ex. When it came to a head I physically shook all over, from about ten am until after 6 pm. I could not discuss him without physically shaking. That was over a year ago. It’s left me unable to eat. I’m booked in, on a waiting list, for more counselling. Be kind to yourself. It’s all about healing. I really wish you well.

Therapy generally makes things worse before they get better, in my case I just kept powering through and there was a point where I came out the other side. It's about facing and then processing the past trauma which for you is obviously even more traumatic than the trauma itself. If it's possible try and carry on because it doesn't really go back in the box once it's been opened. Take care x

Youve opened up the part of the brain where it trauma dumps. But in order to process, you have to remember and feel.

I would say, given your physical symptoms, it is EMDR she is referring too. Ive had it several times and would recommend it to anyone with trauma memories. I now have to reach for those memories, but my body doesn't react like it did and the memory is hazy.

Processing trauma is tough, you clearly made the decision to deal with it for your own reasons, maybe nightmares etc. Like everything shit.....you need to go down before you can come back up. But it is worth it. Good luck x

In my experience, having sought counselling for a traumatic past also, i found that for me, it took time to thoroughly work through all my trauma and throughout the process, it seemed unsurmountable and very triggering (even painful) to the extent i did question if counselling was right for me. Luckily, i perservered and worked through most of my tauma and life is so much better for it. It took me a year and a half (counselling 1 hour per week) but i got there. My advice is not to rush it. Make sure you bring into sessions little bits at a time so you aren't leaving sessions feeling overwhelmed or triggered too heavily and to space out sessions. The counselling process is challenging, its difficult, its painful and at times overwhelming but at the same time it is (in my experience with the correct counsellor and approach) life changing. To find happiness, contentment and peace was something i didnt ever think i would find.

As far as I'm concerned yes. I've buried the past, my childhood has nothing to do with the choices I've made as an adult other than to learn what not to do when it came to parenting.

Maybe you need EMDR, but quite probably you need a counsellor more experienced in trauma work. All of that should not have been opened up for you so soon.

I had EMDR for cptsd and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only way out the other side is to walk through it unfortunately. What I can tell you is that the other side is amazing and worth it.

I tried burying it many times, I had the EMDR when I finally realised that wasn't going to work.

I am sorry, it is shit to be in this situation but I would definitely try EMDR with the clinical psychologist.

i have been where you are, I made the decision to go to therapy for a traumatic childhood too. It was incredibly difficult talking about my past experiences but it was something that needed to happen in order for healing to take place. Like you, I would often be reeling after a session, even though I was given tools to cope. Oddly, despite it being incredibly painful I just knew it was something I had to do. For me, I knew that if I didn’t get out what was locked inside me it would impact how I was parenting my two young kids, at the time I had awful anxiety and despite my best efforts this was impacting my kids. I knew that I would never be the type of parent that I had but I was deeply wounded by my childhood and, for me to move on, these wounds had to be heard and felt in order to move on. I had a lot of somatic pain start at the same time as my therapy and I found that challenging but I was reassured that it’s part of the process. If you feel you can go back to therapy I would strongly recommend it. I would also recommend doing breathwork and reading as much as you can on the topic of traumatic childhoods (and possibly narcissistic parents). Therapy is going to be painful but so worth it.

I am really sorry that you had this experience. It sounds to me as though this has gone too fast for you. When we go too deep into trauma early in a therapeutic relationship, it can cause harm, as you need space to build trust in the relationship.
It’s also not true imo that anyone ‘needs’ a specific type of therapy or that you have reacted like this because of a diagnosis that incidentally they probably aren’t qualified to give. What is really important in successful therapy, is that you work with someone you connect with, who is well trained, and has had a lot of their own personal therapy.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Not all therapeutic experiences are like this, I promise. If you can go back or find someone else, it can be hugely helpful. I say that as a client and as a therapist.

I’d also recommend EMDR. It was very hard, but afterwards it felt as if the volume had been turned down on those issues. They no longer completely overwhelmed me in the way they used to.

Big hug OP. You can get through this.

You need to go back to therapy. Stopping it suddenly is not a good idea.

It is fucking brutal.

I did therapy all through Covid. Not fun but ultimately useful. I thought of it as like chemo.

Thank you for all the lovely messages of support. I will not be rushing to do this again though, I wasn't prepared for the intensity of it and perhaps it did go too deep too fast as I feel like I emptied my soul and then had to ram it all back in my head again, like empting a lego box and somehow it won't quite fit back in and the lid is still a bit open.

I was given some coping strategies and I am going to try these if I need them for now.

Can't process trauma without re-experiencing it. Its just part of the work. It's worth the effort if you can tolerate the intensity and you have the right therapist who will stick it out with you.

I also had EMDR for PTSD and it was life changing.

Can I strongly recommend the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk ? He is a doctor who has, for decades, been at the forefront of research into helping people heal from trauma. His book gives an overview of many very different approaches. Lots of people here are saying EMDR because that is the NHS approach at the moment, but there are other options that could help you (and don't involve having to relive everything).

To go against the grain, I don’t think it’s necessary to delve into trauma if you’ve buried it. Therapy isn’t always the answer and if it’s going to cause more pain and trauma then I’d question whether it’s necessary. I’ve had a lot of therapy but there are some things I have no desire to get into or unpick. I’ve lived with them for decades and those things can stay hidden and not explored.

I've been there too @WellThatDidntWork
Good therapy takes time and yes, it can get worse before it gets better.

There's no harm in deciding to wait until you feel stronger to go again, some people do need to do this and find they can only tackle trauma a bit at a time, especially if there's a lot to unpick. It sounds like you made a great start and it was courageous to take the first steps.

Don't do yourself down because you need to step back from it for a while - and that while can be as long as you need it to be. Self care is now the order of the day

It can be hard to know what kind of therapy you have had - its not always clear and unless you know about modalities of treatment it is not always easy to understand.

The recommended treatment for PTSD is CBT or EMDR. In either of these, you will feel worse for a while - its like opening a cupboard you have been shoving everything into for years and for a while you are standing in the middle of the mess. You should have been told about this and prepared for it.

If you can stick with it, it does get better and help you break out of what is keeping you stuck and unhappy. But it does take a leap of faith in the process and help to cope with your distress while you are getting to the point where you feel better.

If you had any other form of therapy it may not be a good match for what you need.

I hope you feel better soon and I am sorry you are in this situation.

Counselling can be brutal and exhausting. You are dealing with all the traumatic nasties that have been shoved to the back. If you can persevere it is worthwhile. You should try frequent sessions to start with so you are not left hanging with unresolved trauma and then taper down as things become less uncomfortable. My counsellor would also park stuff to not open a can of worms that we didn't have time for and deal with it in the following session.

Yes you absolutely can. The reason trauma is so painful is that your mind is re-experiencing it constantly in an effort to process it for the purpose of protecting you from that 'thing' ever happening again. Effective therapy stops that process by breaking the emotional link with the event(s) so that you are no longer affected by it. It does NOT have to be long winded or upsetting.

Try EMDR -I went to a psychologist with lots of letters after her name who does this and it helped a lot to shove some memories right out of the way.
The point of the ‘lots of letters after her name’ is that she hadn’t just been on a 2week course but years of study. That meant I had lots of faith in her.

You probably do need someone more qualified. I've also had terrible experiences with counsellors, provided by NHS who then agreed I needed psychotherapy. That worked well, with just CBT but that was over a decade ago and so much has happened since. Multiple deaths, health issues caused by MH issues, medical negligence and plenty of other traumas. Trying to get therapy this time around has been a nightmare. I've stopped asking NHS as they pushed me to a newly qualified counsellor who was so young she had never dealt with someone experiencing panic attacks at the thought of leaving the house and shouted at me on the phone that if I wasn't going to come in they would be cancelling my therapy. I've tried to pay psychotherapists locally after hearing good things from friends but they are all completely choc-a-block. Like you I've stuffed it all back in a box and am waiting for the next inevitable breakdown, which means I will probably lose my job.

Sounds like you did not have good therapy, trauma informed therapy involves a period of stablisation before trauma processing which it sounds like wasn't done in your case. And in fact it is not necessary to talk about traumatic events to process them. When you are ready perhaps consider trying again with a trauma informed therapist.