Christmas as a single mum

[Tucedocat]

My 8 year old DD said to me the other day that her dad cares more about birthdays than I do as he gets her more presents. I have a good job and earn around £3000 pm, I’m in the north west. It makes me feel like such a failure as obviously the same will happen at Christmas. By the time my bills have gone out/food etc/activities I just can’t do the things that I used to do when we were together.

You gives her the short reply of the number of presents doesnt equal how much you care about something. Then give examples.

I cried to my parents the other day about what she said but they said she maybe has had too much and it will Make her a better person when she is older

How long has it been just you and DD? You can do an experience day and explain that it's not all about money. Tell her she has a warm home and food on the table. Does her dad pay CMS?

Yes her dad pays CMS. Sorry I have 2 children but didn’t mention my 5 year old as it doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

We have been split just over a year

If you bear more of the cost of raising her, then explain that, in age appropriate terms. Show her your outline budget. See what you'd have to cut out to spend more on gifts.

Could be a useful life lesson depending on her maturity. You don't have to explain that non resident parents don't generally pay anything like 50%. The penny will drop eventually.

I do sometimes say to my very materialistic daughter: "Great! Looking forward to seeing what you've got me..."

It’s not that I don’t spend a lot. For her birthday she got a bike and other really expensive things, her dad just wraps up anything and I think she is happier with that but I just don’t have the room for a load of crap.

I would gently explain that things have changed now you only have 1 income OP. Don't overthink this though your DD is only young and kids don't always understand fully. I'm sure you are doing your best.

Tbh kids do enjoy cheap toys and if that makes her happy I would buy a few and just get a toy box.

Start by teaching her some manners

I could probably explain birthdays but because they both still believe in Santa it is a bit tricky.

This. Not crying, but letting her know that she is lucky to get presents. Some children are not so fortunate.

If I am honest it pissed me off. I thought how ungrateful are you

My dd said something ungenerous at about the same age. I told her quite smartly that I would be writing my own letter to Father Christmas detailing her behaviour.

I also pointed out that as Father Christmas lived down the road from the Easter Bunny and around the corner from the Tooth Fairy, she really needed to mind herself.

However, I didn’t have a recent split of her family to account for. If you think her comments come from continuing insecurity about her situation and big occasions, a warm cuddle might be a better response.

She's a child though OP. She is only 8 so I wouldn't let it consume you. It's a lot of change for her a recent split and going from 2 houses. Children are ungrateful sometimes.

Christmas is huge in an eight year old’s life. Did she enjoy the arrangements last year when the separation was so fresh? Have you and ex worked out the arrangements for this year and has dd been told so she doesn’t fret?

What she said may not have been what her real problem was in her head. A cuddle and a few quiet questions might be good or ask in the car when you aren’t looking at her directly. (That’s good for teenagers, too).

Grabby and horrible.
The more she gets the worse she will get.

This is overkill and unkind. OP has described something that seems like a 1 off following a recent split. Did you actually call OPs DD grabby?

My hack is to buy things that they use then you send to recycling, science kits, painting canvas', art stuff ....
All looks big and shiny wrapped up, keeps them busy for a few weeks, then its out of the house.

She is 8. Its not that deep.

She is a child
Reflect it back
"Yes you a very lucky girl to get all those presents from dad. i am so hapoy you got your new bike ! I care about you too and love you lots. we had such fun baking last week didnt we? "

Need to get it sorted now then.
I dont remember my 8 yr old saying that.

Don't be hysterical. She is a little child. They say stuff like this, they don't think through everything they say.

Nor do all adults .....

Having more stuff won't make her any happier, or any more grateful. She may only be 8 but she's not stupid. If anything I'd pare down the gift giving to make it more meaningful. I had friends whose children had so many gifts they got bored of opening them. Where's the magic in that? It sounds like she's doing well on the gift front anyway.

To be honest, when you’re a kid “warm home and food on the table” doesn’t really cut it - they want stuff, presents to open, rightly or wrongly.