AIBU to worry about my kids talking to their friends because of their mums problems

[Whymustibesocial]

Ok i should start by saying neither me or my kids are great with social situations, they sre autistic and i have the social skills of a spade - this is relevant here. Im also trying to be really vague because alot of this might identify me or her.

My kids made friends about 5 years ago and i became friends with their mother. She has ALWAYS had anxiety and some mental health issues but the last year or so its been out of control and she has been really bad.

The main issue is her self diagnosing her kids with multiple issues both physical and non physical and then limiting their behaviour to match for example the are not allowed to any sport and she insists they wear nappies at night (the eldest is nearly a teenager) There are so many examples im just really not sure what i can actually say on a public forum. But her issues are seriously affecting her kids lives she has never sought and medical attention for then despite the issues she has said they have.

Our kids are not in school but i take mine to clubs, classes, dentist, opticians etc whereas she will not , she has never taken them to the doctor for these issues and they have never been to a dentist or optician.
However, she loves her kids they are warm and fed even if a bit haphazardly i dont think they are in danger

the thing is its really rubbing off on my kids they are afraid to mention doing things in case they upset their friends who are not allowed, any meet ups they have have to be really limited because it might upset their friends mum and my kids dont understand why they have to do lessons and things in the day whereas her kids are constantly calling them and trying to get them to play online because they dont do any formal style learning.

i cant really list most of the issues here as they are so specific but hopefully this give an idea.

I am literally lying awake worrying about things, i have tried to encourage her to seek help but she just thinks im not understanding her childrens problems. Its got to the point where im just worried about my kids speaking to them as she pushes problems and her kids now do it with mine - making the autism diagnosis into a huge deal and asking about sen classes instead of the main classes we go to. My kids have just started getting stressed out by it all and i have no idea and more if its me being odd or her. I know she thinks im being judgmental when i say anything so mainly i dont.

am i being too judgemental? Is it normal for people to self diagnose thing like this? I just feel really under pressure.

I children who are older and autistic and we have alwars told them its no big deal you can do what you want still with help and tbh it hasnt been they do need help sometimes but they are at uni and college and i dont feel like they have been held back at all - my youngest who takka to her friends seems to be developing the idea that autism is bad and means she cant do things.

AIBU to be worrying about this and considering cutting down contact even thought my kids love their friends?

Just thay they eat at random times of day so they stay in bed until 1/2 in the afternoon then might have cereal then eat a meal lie pizza or whatever at night. They are not hungry they have lots of snacks and they eat out at the pub regularly but theres no predictability to the food.

i dont actually know if im just used to autistic kids loving routine so seeing an issues with this where there isnt one.

No. These children are in a highly vulnerable and virtually invisible situation.
You NEED to help them.
Please call Social Services (anonymously if you prefer) today.

It’s really not healthy if the only person/adult they are interacting with is unwell to the point she is passing unhealthy thinking on to them. They will grow up thinking this is normal and have nothing to counterbalance the effects. What prospects will they have in adulthood with no education or understanding of how real life works? They will just end up stuck in this house forever. What sort of life is this for them?
Please report your concerns, it might not go anywhere but SS getting in touch may end up with some support or at the very least, perhaps a wake up call.
You seem to be the only healthy adult that knows these kids, you have a duty to report imo.

I agree about SS. I also think you should try to maintain the relationship, especially for the other childrens' sakes. Also unfortunately every child is going to meet other children with serious issues as they get older, or who don't actually have serious issues but have busily diagnosed themselves or been diagnosed by over-zealous parents. My eldest has a friend whose mother diagnoses / identifies her DCs as all sorts and then is hashtagging it all on social media and I've had to have a few conversations with my own child about it. Maybe use this as a way to gently work through this now, because they will absolutely encounter it again throughout life.

Don’t allow your kids to have access to their phones during lesson-time. Turned off and on the kitchen counter! If they need to look something up they can use a laptop / computer.

I agree, I would report to SS. You’re concerned about educational neglect, health neglect in form of not taking to medical professionals especially when self-diagnosing things and a teenager in nappies, abuse by depriving them socialisation opportunities with peers, generally limiting their development.

I agree

Please report this OP. It’s not your job to decide whether this meets the threshold for SS involvement or whether your concerns are valid. SS are the professional body here and they will make that call. All you need to do is give the examples of your concerns, and know that you have done the right thing.

Also we can never know what’s happening behind closed doors, she could be giving them medicine they don’t need for example. Better to refer.

THIS IS MOT NORMAL! The fact you’re posting on here means you know deep down this is wrong. I have friends with autistic children but please don’t use that as an excuse to justify this mother’s behaviour. They should not be lying in bed till afternoon and definitely not still wearing nappies as a near teen without some formal diagnosis or help if they do have a problem! Please please please report to social services as this most definitely will affect these children for the rest of their lives 😢

Social Service level dysfunction. Make a report.

@Whymustibesocialhas anything’s been done ? Did SS see the family?

How much SS will do depends on how overworked, underfunded and overwhelmed thy are in your area. Not because what your friend is doing isn’t that “bad” , it’s just not immediate danger.

Abuse is abuse.