AIBU to worry about my kids talking to their friends because of their mums problems

[Whymustibesocial]

Ok i should start by saying neither me or my kids are great with social situations, they sre autistic and i have the social skills of a spade - this is relevant here. Im also trying to be really vague because alot of this might identify me or her.

My kids made friends about 5 years ago and i became friends with their mother. She has ALWAYS had anxiety and some mental health issues but the last year or so its been out of control and she has been really bad.

The main issue is her self diagnosing her kids with multiple issues both physical and non physical and then limiting their behaviour to match for example the are not allowed to any sport and she insists they wear nappies at night (the eldest is nearly a teenager) There are so many examples im just really not sure what i can actually say on a public forum. But her issues are seriously affecting her kids lives she has never sought and medical attention for then despite the issues she has said they have.

Our kids are not in school but i take mine to clubs, classes, dentist, opticians etc whereas she will not , she has never taken them to the doctor for these issues and they have never been to a dentist or optician.
However, she loves her kids they are warm and fed even if a bit haphazardly i dont think they are in danger

the thing is its really rubbing off on my kids they are afraid to mention doing things in case they upset their friends who are not allowed, any meet ups they have have to be really limited because it might upset their friends mum and my kids dont understand why they have to do lessons and things in the day whereas her kids are constantly calling them and trying to get them to play online because they dont do any formal style learning.

i cant really list most of the issues here as they are so specific but hopefully this give an idea.

I am literally lying awake worrying about things, i have tried to encourage her to seek help but she just thinks im not understanding her childrens problems. Its got to the point where im just worried about my kids speaking to them as she pushes problems and her kids now do it with mine - making the autism diagnosis into a huge deal and asking about sen classes instead of the main classes we go to. My kids have just started getting stressed out by it all and i have no idea and more if its me being odd or her. I know she thinks im being judgmental when i say anything so mainly i dont.

am i being too judgemental? Is it normal for people to self diagnose thing like this? I just feel really under pressure.

I children who are older and autistic and we have alwars told them its no big deal you can do what you want still with help and tbh it hasnt been they do need help sometimes but they are at uni and college and i dont feel like they have been held back at all - my youngest who takka to her friends seems to be developing the idea that autism is bad and means she cant do things.

AIBU to be worrying about this and considering cutting down contact even thought my kids love their friends?

Sorry for all the typos i had a brain dump and my fingers didnt keep up!

Personally i would make a safeguarding referral. If a nearly teenager is wearing nappies at night they need medical attention to get to the bottom of the problem. It is not your responsibility to work it all out so hand over the responsibility to someone whose job it is.

They sound at risk to me if their mother has Muchausen’s by proxy (or whatever it’s called now), isn’t educating them, and never takes them to the doctor or dentist.

Personally I would be worried about the welfare of her children. I think you should talk to Social Services. I think you could do that anonymously.

You need to get help for her children. Please contact Social Services, and reduce contact with them for your own children’s sake.

Would social services be concerned if they are physically cared for - they have beds, food toys etc its just the mental health issues that may be a problem? I have never had anything like this happen before and i am aware that no one has perfect lives - so i have really been struggling with seeing whats going on at all.

Your first priority is your children, always.

So block the friend’s kids numbers on your children’s phones during lesson time or for a few days at a time (or don’t let your DC have their phones when they’re in lessons!)

You are entirely justified in spending less time around these people given the impact on your own dc.

But please alert social services to this issue. These children are not receiving any education under the guise of home schooling. They are being neglected if they never go to the dentist or see a doctor if unwell. And they are being emotionally abused if their own mother is gaslighting them constantly about conditions they don’t have and insisting they wear nappies when not necessary or age appropriate. That in itself is a massive red flag and I feel sorry for those children. Warm and just about fed isn’t really sufficient as a level of care.

They aren’t being physically cared for: no dentist, no optician, and wearing nappies to bed.

Yep. Raise it as a safeguarding issue and also reduce/cut contact to protect your own children.

But ‘just the mental health issues’ mean the children aren’t being educated, aren’t receiving medical or dental treatment, a near-teenager is wearing night nappies because his mother has ‘diagnosed’ him, and their activities are severely restricted because of theur mother’s issues! It’s pretty concerning that you’re minimising this.

Also, it’s not your job to assess any possible abuse/neglect. It’s your responsibility to pass on relevant information to the professionals to carry out their own investigations if deemed necessary. There are enough alarm bells in your OP to warrant a referral, the rest is out of your hands.

I suppose you could look at it this way:

You are watching someone cause mental health issues in her children.
They might have to deal with the repercussions of this the rest of their lives.
She may be unwell herself.
If you do not report her, neither her nor her children get the help they need and you will be watching children be abused and not saying anything.

Would social services be concerned if they are physically cared for
That is not your judgement to make. You need to report the family to social services as a safeguarding issue. Social services will make a home visit and determine what support the mum and children need. Please do this.

Outside of you and your kids who sees this family? who are they in contact with? They don't go to school, gp etc. so there is no professional in their lives, definitely reaches the threshold for social services in my opinion

It's absolutely fine to keep your own children away from children who aren't being parented well. You are under no obligation to continue the friendship or make your children modify their behaviour.

The best option here is to drop the friendship. Do it gradually like taking longer to answer messages, not accepting every invite to meet up, not actively participating in long text conversations or phone calls etc. Obviously don't tell your children that you don't want them playing with XYZ's kids but slowly reduce contact on your side and encourage friendships with other, more normal, families.

The last thing you can do is possibly contact SS because those children are actively being abused. Not taking children to vital medical appointments is illegal neglect.

She needs help and her children REALLY need help. I don’t say this kind of thing lightly but yes - you should contact social services.

What the mother is doing sounds like abuse to me. She isn’t allowing them to do sports, and it sounds like they spend all day on video game sites. I’m not against home schooling but she isn’t doing that and nor is she sending them to school. Those children deserve access to education. And she’s telling them their autism (which she tells them they have as they have no diagnosis) is bad. And she has her teenager in night nappies. Those children are definitely being neglected and abused.

Yes - social services would want to know. She is putting severe limitations on their lifes and their development. Not allowing them to do sports, no normal socialisation, teenager in night nappies , not accessing education whether it be at home or at school. She seems to have told them not to expect to have normal lives and that they can’t do the things or have the same hopes that other children do.
It sounds as though she is highly anxious about them growing up and moving on their life’s so she is fabricating reasons that they can’t do that.
This is abusive - whether she intends it to be or not - please make a safeguarding referral. And don’t allow your own children be dragged into the dysfunction

a post from gypsy rose Blanchard (victim of munchausen by proxy):

www.facebook.com/share/1Ao5uMhbg5/

The criteria for social services ' help ' is a high bar to reach
My daughter was a pcso and frequently tried to get social involved.
One family had bare mattress on the floor no sheets and cat poo all over the house .. children lived there to .but not in school or any education. social not interested.wouldnt even visit .
I am a home educating mum ,I home ed my 4 DC at various points of their education and we are autistic..we were home schooling,and the DC were on gifted and talented schemes when they finally went in to school.
We had year inspections from the LEA and have kept all excellent reports.
I have absolutely no idea why parents get a choice about LEA visits to check on their education..but we were the only family who allowed them in the home from the groups we went to .it's bizarre.
I really don't know what you can do op.. especially if social are not interested

Definitely try reporting to social care. Or can report anonymously via NSPCC. Share all the information you have shared in here. They mat not take notice, but at least you have tried. And then as any new information emerges report again, and again and again. It sometimes takes a few times for them to take notice

her kids are constantly calling them and trying to get them to play online because they dont do any formal style learning

I think it should be illegal to be denied an education like this. It would be in some countries

they are warm and fed even if a bit haphazardly

What do you mean by that?

i would also make a referral - she is in need of some help and the children will be damaged if this is allowed to continue. SS will deal with it from once you’ve referred. I used to work in a school and anything like what you say would be an immediate safeguarding referral.
Also reinforce your your kids that they should continue to try their best and autism doesn’t mean failure.

You need to raise this. Not taking them to see medical professionals IS a form of neglect

I totally agree, this hyperfocus on problems is a major worry. ‘Oh poor me’ seems to be a rallying cry for a number of adults and this is easily transmitted to children. I sound like my grandma but a stiff upper lip and plucky determination will do wonders for a child facing difficulties!
The fact that from what you say, this woman positively shirks expert attention says to me that she’s worried she’ll get found out! I know Munchausen’s by proxy isn’t a thing any more but I do know adults to whom it could apply. Most concerning- for herself and the children. I’d be inclined to include your kids in a conversation about how anxieties can sometimes become self-propagating if not tackled head-on.

No one other than their family and my family see them.