Trying to be me

[Hubby2]

Never really been one to fit in. Acceptance is not what I'm really looking for, at least I don't think so. Hmmm don't know, overthinking...

So didn't know where to put this but though it may go in here ok.

Recently I have lost weight, went from a 34 waist to 28 in 3 months admittedly I have had compliments from people I know at work or not which have noticed which is nice.

However what I'm not particularly happy is a couple of women telling me that it's good iv lost weight but not to lose any more, I obviously didn't like the comment and also telling me that there's others concerned about me. Don't know whether to believe that because surely they would make themselves known.

All I'm doing is trying to feel comfortable in my own skin and I don't appreciate when someone tries to make a choice for me. I believe I can pick what's best for me because I'm happier but not completely yet.

I suppose last point I wanted to make is no one was worried when I put all that weight on.

OP, people are concerned - slim is good but thin isn’t. I had a friend who died of heart failure as a result of anorexia - it really is serious. You say no-one was worried when you put on weight - what should they have done? You would have though them outrageously rude had they told you to cut back, or suggested you chose an apple instead of a doughnut - and while obesity may come with health issues, it’s not going to kill you in the way that anorexia can. People are trying to be kind, OP: you feel better about losing weight, and perhaps you are thinking that losing a bit more would be even better. These other people don’t want to see you go back to being overweight, but nor do they want you to imperil your health by getting too thin.

You lost that weight very quickly and I imagine that could be why they're concerned. They may have noticed you skipping meals or picked up on what they feel is obsessive behaviour around your diet and exercise and are a bit worried about you. It suggests that they like and care about you, even if you don't feel you fit in! Take it as a sign that you perhaps fit in more than you think you do.

34" to 28" waist in three months is a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. (I went from 38 to 32 over a year, that was 3.5st.)

Are you sure there is no reason for them to be worried?

My friend has an eating disorder. She doesn't see how thin she is. At 57 she's so frail she has a DNR enforced and tbh they'd struggle to find healthy veins. It started as wanting to keep her weight down.

People are shocked by the contrast in a short time. We also as a society seem to be often more concerned about the risk of ED than we do of excess weight, despite the first being much rarer.
You do need to monitor your feelings around your weight and your weight itself. Waist sizes, provided its less than 32", the health marker for women, matter less than BMI. If your BMI is 21 and your mind is telling you go lower, if you're eating in an unhealthy way (binge/fast) over exercising or having strong emotional reactions to eating (guilt/shame) then you're heading for trouble.
However if you have realistic weight goals, eat healthily and excercise within recommended levels, you can ignore their concern.

Whether or not you ‘fit in’ is irrelevant here. You’ve lost a lot of weight in a very short period. Your colleagues are understandably concerned. And, even if their concern did not come from a good place, you don’t get to control other people’s responses to your actions.

I appreciate your advice and value your input into this discussion and believe me I hear you. I also appreciate you warning me of the dangers and I also take it seriously.

I suppose it seems strange like I don't know how you can compliment someone on losing weight and worried and then on the other hand putting on too much and being in the obese category doesn't qualify for being worried enough. I'm just saying I would have appreciated someone telling me actually because you have to face the truth eventually.

Hi, so I never actually missed any meals and not such what you mean by obsessive, maybe you could clarify your point please.

I just did it generally without trying to hard mostly exercise and then that became more of a good habit and I made other small changes a different points like eating healthier but I don't generally feel like I havev lost too much.

I do appreciate what your saying your message, thank you.

Strange humblebrag. Come back when your waist is 21" and then we'll talk.

I'm sorry about your friend. I would like to think I have restraint to not go to that extreme. I'm in a better place than what I was 3 months ago I didn't even want to look at my reflection.

I don't plan on losing too much more just enough to satisfy me, I won't keep going I promise you.

Not sure your comment was called for. That's just crazy talk. Thank you nonetheless, have a good day.

I think your definitely right, I too am shocked also because I had no idea of what the little steps actually meant before I started seeing changes although I didn't notice straight away. The first thing I noticed my t-shirts swamped me.

I like your level headed approach in contrast your giving me the facts and that is valuable to me. I appreciate your understanding.

I believe my weight goals are realistic and I would not like to be underweight, Thank you for your wisdom and for listening 🙂

When a woman loses weight it changes the dynamic around her (often), and sometimes other women feel threatened. I don't know why, but they do. Acting concerned can be an acceptable way to put you back in your box (as they see it).

Or they are genuinely concerned at such a rapid weight loss. As others up thread have said it can be a sign of EA.

Not realised that they could see it as a threat. Definitely something think about. I can appreciate that could be a possibility although I'd like to think that people would not be so cruel and underhanded.

Thank you

I see where you’re coming from OP, and a 28” waist is a size 10-12, so not exactly anorexic 🙄

I think society feels unable to comment when people are gaining weight. I gained 2 stone during pregnancy; an additional 25% of my body weight, and it was only at my maternity-leaving do, that a colleague told me her whole department had thought I was just getting fat 🙄 Not one person had mentioned my rapid weight gain to me with concerns about my health.

Yet, once I had my baby, the weight dropped off me as I was breastfeeding and many people were quite adamant that I “shouldn’t lose any more” despite me being at a perfectly heavily weight 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for your viewpoint. It's is really weird people's behaviour, I totally understand you. You are obviously the best judge and that resonates with me too.

The thing is they hadn't bothered talking to me for a couple a months and then wanted to add their opinions. I'm like when it was said I was like I make no promises. Meaning you said what you said but for me it's my body to do with what I want and why should anyone tell me not to lose more . I am in better shape but certainly not even close to being underweight so I didn't really understand.

It is funny like people talk to eachother about something like that but then only one person relays the message, I'm like is it just you? What are their motives?

Hi OP, congratulations on your weight loss, from someone also currently losing weight.

You haven't mentioned your age, but when I was in my 20s I used to lose weight as quickly and easily as you are doing, and was delighted about it. I did often get asked if I was anorexic, and get told not to lose more, but I just ignored it - I wasn't anorexic, I was slim, gorgeous and sexy! (I can say that now, now that I'm in my 60s! Although I also know now I had become underweight for my height.) So if you are young, I wouldn't pay too much attention to the timescale.

As you have found, no one comments as you pile the weight on, so here I am aiming to lose 3 stone again. Not so easy at this age but it's coming off very slowly. Just do what feels right for you and ignore what others say. I used to just quietly smile at the commenters and say nothing.

I wanted to say though, that you have a said a few times about what you believe you should lose, which indicates to me that you're not following health guidelines. If I'm wrong then by all mean tell me to but out, but this time rounds I'm following the NHS BMI guidelines and my target is what they deem to be the ideal weight for my height. I find this a helpful guide because it keeps your goals realistic and let's you know if your overdoing things.

I've lost 24lbs so far and once again getting comments about not losing any more, but I just tell them I've got another stone to go according to the NHS then politely change the subject.

Here's a link if you're not already monitoring it:

https://www.nhs.uk/health-assessment-tools/calculate-your-body-mass-index/calculate-bmi-for-adults

Good luck with it!

Imagine if you said to one of them….Brenda I’ve noticed you’ve put some weight on lately, but please don’t put any more on as it’s not good for your health and I’m a bit worried for you.

I can only really reply that everyone's bodies are different and I have been quite committed and focused on reaching my potential.

It's just purely self improvement, all part of my journey to becoming a more confident and assertive because I am working on that and I always said yes to everything has not helped me as a person so I finally realised that after I hit a low point. So its self care and positive thoughts and being kinder to myself because I have in the past always been my harshest critic. I'm in a good place now admittedly.

I appreciate you saying that, it means a great deal to hear your praise because your the first one to do so. I'm 38 in a few weeks actually.

I also want to congratulate you on yourself, keep it up because your doing amazing, never forget that. Just one step at a time and you will get exactly where you need to be, good luck to you too.

I agree the comments are questionable, why say it. I suppose that is society but also uncalled for but I love your positivity and the confidence you exude, I definitely need more of that.

Just opening up like that means more than you know to me. I think it's important not to do everything at your own pace as you know your body and you know what feels right.

My weight was slowing going up, I used to consume a lot of coca cola to the point it was my only hydration which is not great which is why at one point years ago my weight went to 13 1/2 stone which according to the NHS BMI put my clinically obese and yet not one person was concerned. Might be a little odd to say but strangely it makes some people better about themselves piling it on and when you lose it they probably thinking about themselves and their own appearance. Just a thought.

And I'm definitely within guidelines and still more to lose. I appreciate you.

I would consider the weight of the person/people who made this comment to you.

Negative comments often come from very insecure people trying to project their insecurities onto you.

Editing so I can add an example to that - I’m naturally slim. I was sat eating my lunch minding my own business and a woman in the staffroom I was in (who I didn’t know because it was a temp job) screeched across to me that I MUST have an eating disorder to be my size. I just looked at her bemused because she was stood there using a weighing scales to carefully measure out a bowl of Special K - but she was a larger lady than me.

Honestly don’t think it’s anyone else’s business tbh. 28 inches isn’t excessively small, thats my waist size at 10 and a half stone. I’d just smile, nod an ignore.

Gaining weight is seen as a negative. In our culture, it would be a very difficult conversation to have — no colleague is going to feel able to say ‘Look, Emma, you’re piling on weight. Are you ok?’ unless they’re from a much more direct culture. Because they’d be saying ‘Look, you’re fat, we can see you’re fat, and getting fatter.’ It would be perceived as an insult.

Whereas losing weight is seen as a positive, so it’s easier to express concerns about it going too far in the context of a general compliment. As you say two of your colleagues did. Surely you can understand that this is a much easier conversation to have, especially when these are just people you work with, not family or close friends?

If the comment upset you, then just tell the person that you find it uncomfortable when people comment on your body. Ask the person to not do it again.

However, if a person looks dangerously underweight, those comments from other people are coming from genuine concern. If it appears to people that you have lost weight extremely fast, then people might be concerned about your health.

It is not healthy to lose weight very fast. It puts your body under strain. Always best to go slow and steady.

Yeah I admit it could be a very hard subject to approach for someone overweight but equally someone could b losing weight that doesn't want to and it could also be taken as an insult, ok not generally as most want to lose it.

I think your probably more at least of having a heart attack if your overweight so why wouldn't someone look out for someone ask them what their going through, take the gentle approach. It doesn't have to be harsh you know like I care about you and then say I'm worried about your health. I honestly think that if someone said that to me when I was overweight that I would accept it and take it the right way. Obviously no way of knowing that but I try to see criticism as a positive to better myself, thank you for your input.