My troubled DS WWYD?

[SpanielLover356]

Sorry for the long post but I don't want to drip feed..

DS (now age 29) was the product of an abusive relationship & hasn't had contact since his father followed us back from (court ordered) supervised contact & assaulted me in front of him when he was 4 years old.

My DS has struggled with addiction issues for many years & has been imprisoned 3 times.

We spent a long time NC as his first imprisonment was as a result of him seriously assaulting me. But while he was imprisoned I was plagued by drug dealers coming to my door demanding money, threatening to go to my elderly mother's house, quoting her address. They even destroyed my car which was parked outside my house. I was so scared for my safety & that of my mother's that I gave them the money - it must have been about £5k.

So, DS came out of HMP about 3 months ago. He's engaged with probation, has stopped drinking etc. I've started meeting him once a week for a coffee in a bid to repair our relationship.

When he came out of prison for the first time, he lived with my mother. She died & I allowed him to live in a flat that I owned that had previously been let out. I didn't charge him rent, but expected him to pay utilities. He didn't do this, disabled the smoke alarms (they kept going off when he burned food), managed to set the flat on fire & left me with a utilities bill of over £700 plus the cost of the door that the fire brigade had to destroy as he collapsed just inside it & they had to break it down to get access. The insurance wouldn't pay out as he'd disabled the smoke alarms.

I married DH about 8 years ago while DS was in HMP - the only time they met was when I had to evict DS from my flat & DH accompanied me in case DS decided to assault me again. DS has threatened to kill my DH, but that was when he was in the throws of drink/drugs so I don't think it was serious, but reported it to the police & DH can't get past it. I don't blame DH for this & still take it so seriously that DS doesn't have our address.

This evening DS rang & told me that he needs a lot of dental work - about £1k worth. I said that I would be willing to lend him the money, but would have to be repaid & I would chase him through small claims courts if he didn't pay. I also said I would go to dentist with him &pay dentist rather than let him have the cash. My DH has gone ballistic asking if I'm mad giving him even more money. DH & me rarely fall out.

So I'm asking AIBU to pay for DS dental treatment?

If it is really needed and you pay dentist directly yes. Do not give him cash

What is the dental work? Is it essential or cosmetic? Have you seen evidence of what it is and where he is having it done? Has your DS explored whether it could be done on the NHS?

Also can you and DH afford it or would you need to make sacrifices? Would it be from savings that you yourself have accumulated or from money DH has set aside? Is there any realistic possibility of your DS paying you back any time soon (e.g is he working)?

I must admit that my first thought was that your DS will use it to buy drugs or repay a drug debt and that he’ll never pay you back/ get into more trouble.

To be honest whilst I appreciate you want to help your child I can absolutely see where your DH is coming from. Your son has put you and your partner though so much already and even with paying the dentist in person it's a heck of a lot of money that you probably don't just have lying around.

What work does he supposedly need doing for such a sum and is this a case of him only getting in touch when he wants money and expecting you to forgive all with no consequences.

Hmm I’d be very suspicious that the money is intended for that. Assuming this isn’t an NHS dentist? Many private ones do payment plans now. It’s hard to say whether you’d be unreasonable to lend him the money, is £5000 paid to drug dealers the only time you’ve had to pay for him or has there been a habit of borrowing/taking money?

I think you must be mad to offer him a penny given the history. Unless it’s emergency and causing daily pain I can’t see what he needs it for. I do really sympathise with you after all you’ve been through, OP - but you must put yourself first here.

Yes, we're talking about filings & I can see the tooth that needs a cap as it's a front tooth. I've looked for NHS dentists - there are none taking on new patients. Yes, I can afford it from my pension lump sum, but my money isn't infinite. No, DS isn't working &, realistically, won't be for some time. I'm thinking about taking him with me to my <private> dentist & paying them I will never, ever give my son a penny every again.

Addicts often have lots of problems with their teeth. You've taken the sensible approach of saying you'll pay the dentist directly, so if it's really for something else you'll find out quickly.

It sounds like your DS suffered a lot of trauma, but is now trying to heal, you're both wanting to rebuild your relationship. If you have the money as his parent to help him, I don't see why you wouldn't. If you can't look to forgive and move on, I don't think you should be seeing him weekly.

My response would be different if you said you couldn't afford the £1K

As a parent of a child who has had a rubbish start to life it might be supportive to pay, although the chances of getting it back are small

DH is right to keep his distance and keep the address secret.

Is he employed now? If not, does he have any prospects to be employed in the future? Basically, is there any realistic expectation that he will be able to pay you back?

Is the 1k coming from your own savings/funds or shared income? If shared, you can’t go against your DH’s issues. You can’t force him to contribute to basically a stranger.

If you agree, is on the condition that you go with him to the appointment and any money exchanged are between you and the dental clinic. You won’t actually give him any cash.

I don’t think he will pay it back because I cannot see how he will have the means, getting a job is hard with a record and benefits probably wouldn’t be enough.

My son was in prison and one thing he said was that they sorted his teeth out whilst he was in there, he had regular dentist appointments for free if he needed them.

However, if you are going directly to the dentist to pay then I would do it if I could afford it and not have the money back.

Only give it if you can afford to lose it. He’s not paying you back.

If it’s your money, it’s your choice. If it’s joint money ( so part of your retirement planning, even though you received the lump sum), you owe it to DH to take his feelings into account.

No, not employed & no real prospects of employment, He's on UC & gets a high amount of PIP.

This has been the subject of some contest between DH & me this evening. We have a joint account for household stuff, but have our own current & savings accounts. DH is saying that it's 'our' money' I'm saying that it will come from my personal account. DH is saying 'what's your's is mine' I'm saying no it's not as my personal money. I think the main problem is DH is concerned this is the thin edge of the wedge & will open the gates (to mix metaphors) to DS asking for more money from me. I'm having problems assuring him that isn't the case & I'm wise to him now.

I can see why your DH is so hesitant in this case - how is your son going to pay back £1,000 without a job?

DH is right to keep his distance and keep the address secret.

Too darn right the last thing that we want is drug dealers turning up on our door step - been there done it. Totally keeping where we live a secret, meet DS when I'm working in the office in town. Don't want him to know where we live.

You know he’s not going to be able to pay you back and it will ultimately cause more conflict between you and dh when he starts reminding you that a payment hasn’t been received.

If you can afford it, just pay for the dental work as a gift, it’s then done and dusted and cause less animosity. You can also say to ds there is no more money left as you paid for his teeth.

Ok then you can cut the idealistic “you have to pay me back”, realistically it’s not going to happen, or even if he tries it’ll take months if not years. If you said this to your DH as well, I can see why he’s worried as it’s making you sound deluded to a certain level and like you have the blinkers on still.

Is your DS in pain? Is he struggling because of his teeth? Struggling to eat? Having to take painkillers? If yes, I’ll be honest, I’d do it, like I said with no money actually being given to him.

Completely different situation to him asking money for bills , or rent, or wanting a new car or subsidising him iykwim.

I was thinking about £10 month. He has UC about £340pm plus another £300 (ish) PIP. I'm thinking he can afford £10 a month. Even if he can't I'm thinking I shouldn't just give him the money. £1k is a lot of money & he needs to realise that.

He was used to having a grandmother who seemed to have plenty of cash as she subbed him. But when she died she only had £8k in her bank account and a house that needed a new roof, heating was knackered because she didn't have the money for a new boiler...I could go on.

I won't to be that old lady living in a house falling around my ears whilst subitising someone's drug habit.

I think you’re mad to give your abusive violent criminal DS a penny, and from what you’ve said I’d bet he’s lying to try and get you to give him cash.

Im with your DH.

He's not going to pay you back a penny. So you either pay for his dental treatment because he's your son and you want him to have functional teeth, and you tell your husband to get fucked with his opinions, or you don't. Up to you. The money will be gone forever - but it's your money and if you want to spend it on your DS' teeth that's your choice. Forget small claims court though. Pointless.

I was thinking about £10 month.

On a £1000 loan? That's bonkers. You have to accept if you loan this money you're never getting it back and it may very well be the end of your marriage. Is it honestly worth it?

Thank you for this - I think I may go with this one. Say to DS this it. No more money after this.

My will already only gives him family stuff nothing worth any thing in monetary value as I've felt it wouldn't be 'kind' to leave him the means to kill himself. So this is it Son. Hope you're happy with your new teeth.

I think that I will go with this. thank you. 😘

Seriously, I don't think DH would leave over this, he may have lots to say about it, but isn't going to break our marriage over it. However, thank you for your input.

If he is on a low income he could get help with the cost on nhs or he could be referred to a dental hospital. 1k won’t go far if private so am dubious that is what has been quoted in full for the treatment. Even if so they would usually offer an instalment plan. If you go ahead, definitely only pay direct.

He's a better person than most then. You're basically saying that even though this person threatened to kill him you will still prioritise your son over your partner.

I appreciate he is your son but I honestly don't think you're fully comprehending just how this would impact your relationship.

I voted YABU as I can't imagine he'd ever pay you back. So either give him the money with no expectation or don't give it to him at all. I'm so sorry - this sounds like a horrendous situation. I think I'd have gone non-contact before now I'm afraid.