My troubled DS WWYD?

[SpanielLover356]

Sorry for the long post but I don't want to drip feed..

DS (now age 29) was the product of an abusive relationship & hasn't had contact since his father followed us back from (court ordered) supervised contact & assaulted me in front of him when he was 4 years old.

My DS has struggled with addiction issues for many years & has been imprisoned 3 times.

We spent a long time NC as his first imprisonment was as a result of him seriously assaulting me. But while he was imprisoned I was plagued by drug dealers coming to my door demanding money, threatening to go to my elderly mother's house, quoting her address. They even destroyed my car which was parked outside my house. I was so scared for my safety & that of my mother's that I gave them the money - it must have been about £5k.

So, DS came out of HMP about 3 months ago. He's engaged with probation, has stopped drinking etc. I've started meeting him once a week for a coffee in a bid to repair our relationship.

When he came out of prison for the first time, he lived with my mother. She died & I allowed him to live in a flat that I owned that had previously been let out. I didn't charge him rent, but expected him to pay utilities. He didn't do this, disabled the smoke alarms (they kept going off when he burned food), managed to set the flat on fire & left me with a utilities bill of over £700 plus the cost of the door that the fire brigade had to destroy as he collapsed just inside it & they had to break it down to get access. The insurance wouldn't pay out as he'd disabled the smoke alarms.

I married DH about 8 years ago while DS was in HMP - the only time they met was when I had to evict DS from my flat & DH accompanied me in case DS decided to assault me again. DS has threatened to kill my DH, but that was when he was in the throws of drink/drugs so I don't think it was serious, but reported it to the police & DH can't get past it. I don't blame DH for this & still take it so seriously that DS doesn't have our address.

This evening DS rang & told me that he needs a lot of dental work - about £1k worth. I said that I would be willing to lend him the money, but would have to be repaid & I would chase him through small claims courts if he didn't pay. I also said I would go to dentist with him &pay dentist rather than let him have the cash. My DH has gone ballistic asking if I'm mad giving him even more money. DH & me rarely fall out.

So I'm asking AIBU to pay for DS dental treatment?

Yes, DH is one in a million. He's been with me through so much shit that my son has thrown at me. But he loves me & I love him - well tell each other so many times a day.

I don't prioritise my son over my husband, but my husband understands that my son will always be my child & that is a bond that can't be broken. Even though I may have put protective barriers in so far as my son only knows that I live on the outskirts of the city where I work, but not exactly where.

My son is very aware that we are re-building a relationship & it's probable that we will never be as close as we once where. He understands that bond was broken the day that he literally picked me up when I tried to stop him from leaving the house (I'm 5'0 & at the time weighed about 6 stone, he's 6'2 & very fit as used to play rugby & worked out) & literally threw me across the room fracturing several ribs, my shoulder, humorous arm, & collar bone. Luckily neighbours had already called the police who arrived very quickly. He was given 2 years in HMP + suspended sentence for this & not allowed to contact me whilst in HMP & on the suspended sentence. However that didn't stop his dealers coming after me.

You will never see the money again if you give it to him. Going to small claims court won’t work either if he has nothing

Have you had any counselling over this op? I don’t think you should give him the money. It’s a slippery slope. He has no right to ask it from you. You say your marriage is strong but things like this chip away at it slowly.

please invest in some counselling for yourself.

Hello to everyone and thank you who was kind enough to help me with my dilemma.

So, met DS for a coffee today. I told him that there is no way that I'm willing to just handover the money. I've said it's up to him to find a dentist, book himself into an appointment that I will attend with him - have told him when I'm available around my work, caring for GCs etc. I've said that I am willing to pay for the essential treatment (I'm thinking fillings, any extractions but not a crown as that is cosmetic & he can save up to pay for that himself) and will pay the dentist direct, rather than give him the money.

I've also said that I'm only willing to pay up to an absolute maximum of £1K (preferably less) and this will have to be his Christmas present & Birthday present for 2026. I've said that I will be looking at him making a contribution - I've suggested that he contributes his PIP for that month which will be in the region of £300.

Realistically I don't think that asking him to pay me back is going to work, but I want him to pay something towards it.

I've given him an electric toothbrush that my DH no longer needs as well as 4 heads for it.

DS is very aware that this is the last time that I'm willing to pay for anything again. I've told him that it caused DH & me to have some conflict over me giving him money. For context DH & me very rarely have any conflict - yes we have spats, but this caused a big row which, in 8 years of marriage & 10 years together is very unusual - and, as DH pointed out, we only fall out over DS & life was a lot smoother when he (DS) was in HMP & out of the way.

I'm worried about next Xmas as DS is already hinting about spending it with us. Fortunately we had already booked to go to a hotel this year before he came out of HMP. But next Xmas...that's possibly a subject for a post next year. 🙄

Well done OP. You sound like an amazing mum.