Albu here? Child not given dinner

[sundaydayisnotmyfundayday]

My husband and I do not have an easy marriage. I am making an exit strategy but it is going to take time. As far as DH is concerned we are just "pottering along".

I've been out tonight with a friend. I worked until 6pm and was being picked up at quarter past so at lunchtime I made a bolognese sauce which meant all DH had to do was cook the pasta for himself and DS 11 and reheat the sauce. DH is useless in the kitchen (his words) and refuses to cook but he pays the bills so I just get on with it.

I have just got home and questioned why only 1 dish was by the sink. Apparently Dh asked DS if he wanted dinner and DS said no so DH just made it for himself. Ds has not eaten anything since his packed lunch at around 1pm.

I feel so incredibly frustrated by this. I just know that DS will have spent all night on his ps5 because DH would have maybe asked once and let him do whatever.
I would have told him to turn it off and eat dinner (as I do every other night)

Am I wrong in feeling like the only parent in this house!? Would you have just let your 11yr old go without dinner like that!?

Well there’s obviously more going on because you’ve said as much but your husband asked his son if he wanted dinner and he said no. He won’t starve to death because he didn’t want dinner for one evening.

I would say at 11 they know there own mind on one meal

I'm with you @sundaydayisnotmyfundayday - an 11 Yr old still needs parenting, and that includes ensuring PS is turned off so they come and eat. The exception being if they're unwell. It's literally a parent's job to feed their child and not let the child just do what they want, when they want!

I agree with you OP.

I wouldn't have let my DS go without dinner. Ensuring your child is fed is a vital part of parenting.

It doesn't sound as though your H cares very much about his own son's welfare.

No I suspect they wanted to play on their PlayStation all night

but seriously you tell an 11 year old dinner is ready

I knew everyone would say at 11 they should be cooking their own meals!

I agree with you OP, they still need parenting at 11 (and older) - your tea is ready, turn that off and come and eat it.

"Dinner is ready!"

I’m with you OP. I don’t force DC (14 & 16) to eat if they don’t want to, but at dinner time, tech is switched off, they sit at the table and dinner is put in front of them. If they choose not to eat it, eat a few mouthfuls or push it around the plate then leave it, fine, but they are given dinner every night.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask, of course he's hungry.

Another reason to add to your list to leave. Will dh want to have equal parenting of ds?

Hmmmm. On the one hand I agree that 11 year olds ( at secondary school, Y7 I assume) still need to be parented and expected to eat dinner.

But if my DS at that age had said he didn't want any, then I wouldn't have forced him to eat it. It would have been made clear that was his choice, but I wasn't cooking anything else later on, so it would be leftovers or sort himself out with toast or cereal.

Annoying that DH didn't insist, but I can't say I would have done much different at that age.

Your H is obviously an incompetent twat, but take action if you want your Ds to grow up better.

Involve him in cooking so that he is less useless, get him involved in planning out the evening to include dinner. I would be raging at DH but I would also tell Ds off for refusing his dinner.

I would be more bothered that this means that is has been on a screen for many hours without a break.

Regardless of whether he is hungry or wants to eat, I would prepare the dinner and expect DS to sit with me for a meal.

I think it is about the whole situation more than the food.

At 11, hes old enough to have said later that he was hungry.. are you sure he didn't eat since lunch? Maybe he ate a lot of snacks after school and that's why he didn't want dinner ?

At 11 I monitored my children's play station/tv use. I called them to dinner. I didn't ask "do you want dinner?"

Your dh is a lazy parent - probably a lazy useless person. This one-off won't matter to your child but he has one effective parent and one who doesn't give a shit. sorry for you OP.

'Apparently Dh asked DS if he wanted dinner and DS said no so DH just made it for himself.'

It should be taken as given that he will want a meal UNLESS stated otherwise and is unusual - child replying to 'what do you want for tea' 'actually I'm not hungry'. Not a leading 'do you want food?' from his dad.

Wish I could call it. I feel like he will for optics but he could go the other way. I feel like he wouldn't struggle to walk away if it means an easier life. That's part of the ongoing issue tbh.

He basically just does what he likes which today has included not being bothered to go to work and sitting on the sofa all day (I work from home) which is why I think I am so cross.

Even if I had asked and been told ds wasnt hungry at the VERY least I would cooked the meal and let him reheat half an hour later. I just dont understand him at all. Its like he views his kids like housemates rather than as his kids. I am faaar from a perfect parent but at least I try!!! Why can't he even care enough to try!?

I know 11 is not a baby. I get that. I know ds can cook a simple meal (scrambled eggs on toast) because i encourage him to learn.

The reason I posted I think is because dh can irritate me by existing at the moment and I needed a reality check so thank you.

Dinner is a non-negotiable in this house, I would be livid with husband if he didn’t provide a dinner for one of the kids!

Nope. I went into his room to speak to him (and tell him off for not managing his time better because he's old enough to know not to miss dinner) and he confirmed no snacks.

He was sat on his arse all day and yet you were the one making bolognaise in your lunch break?

I can see why you’re getting ready to leave OP he sounds selfish to the core

DS is 11, I wouldn't be going up to his room asking if he's had snacks. Don't involve him in this dispute with your H. If he's hungry I'm sure he knows where the bread and fruit is kept.

He was offered food. Yes, it is lazy parenting from your H not to make him come to the table, but your title made it sound like there was no food in the offing at all!

Clearly (as you've said), there is other stuff going on, but on its own this is just some lazy parenting with no harm done.

hes the one ion the wrong you dont say do you want tdinner to a kid my niece would say no every night

and he should have a break from gaming

My DS10 (with minimal assistance) cooked us all a roast dinner yesterday. I think yours should definitely be chipping in.

But he will do suddenly after divorce when he is asked to pay maintenance. Suddenly then the dad becomes the best parent. OP take genuine contempraneous notes. But they probably won't help you because the family court will just shrug that this is OK parenting and parental differences as to when a child should be fed.

Yeah that’s terrible. He’s a lazy arse who couldn’t be bothered to monitor his sons gaming and couldn’t be bothered to give him dinner.
I hope the dish left by the sink was washed.

That alone wouldn't bother me, if I came home and DH said 11yo didn't want dinner I'd check they weren't feeling unwell but then think no more of it if it was a one off. It sounds like there is a pattern of him just being a shit parent though if you're already planning to leave.