Could she be autistic or mean

[Aworriedmom]

Or is she just not nice?
my daughter age 9 is giving me so much worry & stress
she is so cold and mean,
she is mean to other kids in school
she has said mean things to other kids,
she does dance but is never happy for her friends if they win, they hug her if she wins an she stands as stiff as a board,
i may say wasnt that girls dress lovely she says no.
I may tell her something and she always say i dont care.
people say hello and she blanks them.
I ask her what she wants for breakfast and she ignores me, we are late for school every day,
she will ask for a pony i do a pony then she will pull it out and say she asked for a plait.
she does have some friends but ive had 4 mums over the past year or 2 message me over her being mean to their kids.
Im so close to taking her to the doctor ive ignored, ive told her off, punished her, been gentle, tried everything.
she is not without love or attention.

her dad is a narcissist and im
so afraid she has inherited some traits.

does her dad live in the house with you?

I hope she isnt autistic as you have some odd ideas about how autistic people are based on this. Are you at all close? Could you just talk to her and see if all is ok?

I tried talking i have tried everything even letting her sleep with me she wont talk to me

i say maybe autistic as it runs in family

@dogtot yes he does
i am hoping to leave asap

Well if shes around abuse to witness it happening and on the receiving end of it thats your problem not autism.

I know a few autistic people like this actually - fundamental difference is that it isn’t intentional.

Possible pda profile - would get her assessed

More likely trauma from being forced to grow up in an abusive household with a narcissistic father and a mother who pick a man over her. Poor kid

Trauma of living in problematic family system? Much easier to say than to do, but if you are at all able to extract the both of you from your relationship to her father, please prioritise this. There are many organisations and agencies who can support with this, and in my experience, as you approach a clinician for advice on how to progress your concerns about your DD, family dynamics and parental relationship is likely to be discussed. Given that you are also living with this man, I would recommend therapy and perhaps The Freedom Programme to help you find a way to exit this dynamic. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks @TransAdmiralsAreAdmirals
i am looking at ways to do so, although its not easy especially on top of Christmas and we have pets too

Has she built up a wall around herself as protection? Horrible go you because she feels she has to test you?

This is possible @PInkyStarfish
she is so horrible to me every day but asks to sleep in my bed every night

Maybe your daughter is autistic, maybe she isn't. The things that you have described are not generally autistic traits, but they are symptoms of being raised in an abusive home, and that is the pressing issue right now.

Get your daughter into a safe and stable environment, and then think about an autism assessment. I say this as an autistic person who was raised in an abusive home.

I’m no expert but from what I’ve read and seen, children that lash out to hurt others whether it be physical or verbal, are hurting inside.

I would be careful about labelling her as being mean as there does appear to be troubling circumstances at home which whilst you may have done your best to shelter her from, she has picked up on.

I'm autistic and I'm very warm, friendly and like everything to be harmonious.

Autistic people can of course be mean but I'm not sure why people on here label anyone with difficult behaviour as autistic.

So are my children who like yourself, aren’t as the OP describes but I’ve worked in a school and seen some autistic children present these traits (unless they’ve been misdiagnosed? but they had EHCPs)

A lot of this sounds like poor behaviour regardless of autism/otherwise - what consequences are you giving if she does something nasty/rude?

Some people with autism are mean, some are not. Just like people without autism, some are mean, some are not.

Being mean isn't a trait of autism. It's just a trait, of anyone.

People with autism are more likely to be labelled mean, as they are more likely to be blunt - too blunt for people's liking, which people want to call mean even though it isn't. They just don't like the autistic person basically calling them out, or calling a duck a duck.

So is your daughter actually just being blunt, rather than mean? If so, yeah perhaps you're spotting a trait of autism. Possibly. But stop calling her mean.

If she's actually being mean, then this conversation hasnt got anything to do with possible autism.

She might just be mean.

my autistic dd particularly struggles with friendships and over the years much of her behaviour would definitely have been described as 'mean'
It was not intentional, and even when explaining why it wasn't kind she didn't always get it.
But she was distressed by the results (ie losing a friend)
But unless there are other reasons for you to believe that she is autistic, then you can't jump to that conclusion.

She sounds like she has an extreme lack of empathy, and extreme self focus.
If it is connected to you dh and his behaviour, you will only be able to unpick it once he has gone, and she learns that it is safe to have emotions, and safe to stop protecting herself.

What you have described is not autism.

Autism doesn’t make you nasty. If a nice autistic person is told they’ve upset someone- they are unhappy about it because they didn’t mean to. A nasty autistic person doesn’t car, much like a nasty NT wouldn’t.

It’s something though (as well as just being mean). You need to find out what. But you also need to come down hard on the nastiness and rudeness.

This sounds just like my SD, it's really difficult behaviour to curb. Have you tried telling her how her behaviour makes other people feel? If so how does she respond? Do you discipline her bad behaviour towards others? Have you always?

I wouldn't rule out autism/ADHD but I wouldn't think it just because shes mean, I'd maybe see how she is when she's not around mean behaviour at home as she's bound to be mean if she's being shown mean at home.

Bit of a reach???

I have tried explaining how hurtful her words are, ive taken her tablet, sent her to her room, ignored her, stopped her going to parties, ive even yelled im ashamed to say.
nothing has made a difference.
i only say autism as her sibling has it, so i know it’s highly likely.
I do agree she has zero empathy
Im not labelling her im asking advice before i do label her as i know shes not right, im around a lot of girls to know shes not like anyone else and its worrying.

@CinnamonBuns67 i have donw all of this she is very stoic when i speak or either she says she doesn’t care

She is definitely struggling to make sense of the world and her place in it. There is obviously something going on, whether it’s some sort of ND, personality disorder or a reaction to her environment is impossible to say without getting advice. It sounds like it’s time to get some professional input.