Could she be autistic or mean

[Aworriedmom]

Or is she just not nice?
my daughter age 9 is giving me so much worry & stress
she is so cold and mean,
she is mean to other kids in school
she has said mean things to other kids,
she does dance but is never happy for her friends if they win, they hug her if she wins an she stands as stiff as a board,
i may say wasnt that girls dress lovely she says no.
I may tell her something and she always say i dont care.
people say hello and she blanks them.
I ask her what she wants for breakfast and she ignores me, we are late for school every day,
she will ask for a pony i do a pony then she will pull it out and say she asked for a plait.
she does have some friends but ive had 4 mums over the past year or 2 message me over her being mean to their kids.
Im so close to taking her to the doctor ive ignored, ive told her off, punished her, been gentle, tried everything.
she is not without love or attention.

her dad is a narcissist and im
so afraid she has inherited some traits.

Thank you @YodasHairyButt

im actually really upset its come to this but i just know shes not right
Im just unsure how to go about things or who to turn to

Also to add something positive she is very competative and has some great skills in what she does in her after school classes

She needs to be assessed. It does sound possible - especially as it runs in the family. I know they don’t call is Asperger’s anymore and it’s just Autism but it sounds similar to me.

There’s some really rude comments directed at you on here - just ignore.

She is showing autistic traits, those more commonly seen though missed in girls. I would get her an assessment.

www.advancedautism.com/post/autism-and-narcissism

It would be so easy if there was something wrong with her, as then yo can have a diagnosis and an action plan. Sadly it sounds like she is a copy of her father who has given her a bad example on how to be a decent person and that needs parenting out of her which is going to be very difficult.
When did this nasty behaviour start? At what age? and had anything specific happened?

@Aworriedmom
I am part of a wildly ND family.
She sounds Autistic to me.
She doesn’t sound mean in any way.
If to be happy in life you feel you want to be liked by others, have a large group of friends and connections then there are certain behaviours which go along with this.

If you are basically happy with your own company know your own strengths and don’t need others’ approval then these social niceties aren’t as important.

Did this comment make you feel good

You can engage the school to look at the possibility of her being assessed OP.
Lacking empathy and relating to others (not on its own obviously) can be something autistic people struggle with and can't always mimic. As her sibling has it, and you as her mum feel something is amiss, you have tried all the typical tactics to no avail so you are right to now consider other factors.
I would go to the GP, and engage the school. Sometimes they don't start picking things up until you put it in front of them and ask them to look. It's trickier with girls as they can show very different behaviours and coping mechanisms than boys.

It's okay to be upset too OP, it's emotional to know life is going to be different for our children.

Autistic does not mean mean. My DD and both DGDs are autistic but none are mean and in fact incline mainly towards being overly sensitive. Whether narcissi can be inherited I don’t know. Can you explore some books on children being kind to each other and encourage her to be nice to her friends or no one will play with her.

I agree that the not liking physical contact might mean she is ND and struggles with social niceties and they can be honest and blunt so I would not rule it out. One of my DGDs struggles with speaking to new people so refusing to say hello might be an ASD trait. However that doesn’t mean she isn’t nice. I would be wary of labelling her mean.

Thanks all
i do autism doesn’t mean she has to be mean as my son is autistic and he’s never been mean in his life, i also know everyone with autism shows different things
and i also feel she isn’t normal as such
another thing with her is clothes not being right another reason we are late every day.

i dont think books on being kind will work ive done all that talk to her,
its started maybe a year or 2 ago
she says she doesn’t care about having no friends she doesn’t need a best friend she says.
although on occasion i have seen her laughing playing & having fun with friends it’s really confusing.

Maybe it's a faze.
No need to label her.
I've meet many autistic kids and not all of them are mean.
Not all of them are autistic either but that's for a different thread.

Loads of people coming on here and saying autism doesn't = mean, autistic people are nice etc etc

But autism does = struggle with empathy. And for some autistic people that can be extreme. I can think of a lad who hit his mum and sister just did not understand that is caused them pain, and had no concept of stopping BECAUSE it hurt them. Another one whose mum had to explain to him that when his sibling made THIS face it meant that they were unhappy. Both kids had zero understanding of how their actions effected others, and were also really not bothered when someone else was upset.

I think many posters have been triggered by the word mean.
This girl lacks empathy to an extreme degree and that is very much one of the possible sypmptons of autism.
Given that there is autism in the family, and now some of the other things that you mention eg sensory issues around socks, I would be pushing hard for an assessment.

It hopefully made op realise what she is doing to her child

How is it a reach unless op is misusing the word narcissist to describe her husband

The first thing you need to do is get her, yourself and your other child away from your abusive husband and then get her counselling to process what she has been through.

I say this as someone who has been through an abusive relationship and have a child that people thought was maybe autistic/ADHD but it turned out that all his ‘issues’ were related to the trauma he experienced and while he still struggles occasionally, counselling did him the world of good. And trust me no matter how well you think you hide the abuse from the children, they will know.

Once you remove your daughter from that environment and get her help to deal with the trauma that comes from living in an abusive household, you may find she’s a different person. And if not then you can look into autism further.

The sleeping in your bed probably makes her feel safe and lets her know that you are safe at the same time. One of my children used to do this also.

I know it’s hard but you need to leave asap.

Ahh just ignore it, like OP did.