Ex husband being difficult. Or is it me?

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all.
Just need some direction to understand if I can be doing things differently.
I have 2 DD with ex H - DD13 and DD11.
Have been seperated / divorced since 2015-2017.
ExH has always been difficult through marriage divorce and post life. For no reason at all. Difficult with money childcare arrangements everything.
unless things go his way he will be difficult so have adopted the method of just giving in to him when he wants favours/swaps weekends etc.
Note for my milestone birthday which fell on his weekend with DD he decided to go away for the whole month and didn't see the girls for a month and I had to rearrange my birthday plans to include them.

I have another DD3 whose birthday falls on the weekend ExH has children. I asked to swap and he said fine. I offered any weekend in return.

His birthday was last month - he expected the girls to miss their swimming/ after school clubs so he can collect early at 430 so he could go away with his friends for the evening. For context he always picks up the DD's after 830pm on a Friday evening.

I said no to his request as DD had a swimming assessment she couldn't miss. He flipped his lid.
and now has booked a light show for the weekend my DD3s bday party is planned for and has told our DD13 and DD11 the plans and trying to convince them to tell me they want to go to their dads for fear of missing out.

I'm so angry at Ex but it comes as no surprise. He messaged DD13 saying because I didn't let him collect them earlier his bday weekend he will teach me a lesson and not swap weekends and if I kept them for DD3 party (his weekend) he will not see the girls for 4 weeks because of me. He full on emotionally involves her and she is visibily uncomfortable to the point she said can I talk to him about things and not her in the future.

I offered to the girls they can be dropped off day of party earlier to dads so they can make both party and light show. They said no. But I fear they blame me for being difficult.
What can I / should I do?

He has been an absolute selfish prick and an emotionally abusive bastard to his kids. You are being unreasonable for letting him get his way for so long so now it’s time to get a put foot down and protect your kids from this emotional dimwit.

He's using his children as weapons which is completely wrong.

How though? The girls like going to him. Anytime I put up a boundary he twists it and blames me to the girls. For context he has the girls for the summer for a good stretch. They returned to school on the 3rd, he booked a daily holiday with wife and new kids on the 3rd (same day!!) and told them the dates couldn't work hence why he didn't include them. The truth was he waited until they went to school so he had an excuse.

He said he is going to "teach you a lesson" to his child?
These men have no sense at all do they. Selfish morons to the core.

Surely you know he is being difficult and it’s not you.

Tell the girls it’a fine for them to choose what is best for them. Never show your ex that you’re annoyed by him.

Contact the pastoral staff at the girl’s school and explain the situation and ask if they can offer the girls any support.

He said 'just like she wanted to make my life hard on Friday gone I don't want to swap now' to a message to my daughter asking which weekend he wanted to swap with.

Is this court ordered or mutual agreement?

Yes I know that. But then I wonder so many years on why is he behaving like this and now involving my girls who he didn't want at the start of the divorce and told me when he married - just so you know my wife didn't sign up to this (the girls who were 4 and 7 at the time).

He only took me to court for our finances. Not the children. He made me choose the children or the business as he said if I came after OUR business he would use my PND and show I had mental health issues and have the children taken off of me.

He is a dick. However, I think you should stop all swapping etc. If he wanted to collect the girls early when it is his time (Friday after school), then he should be able to and he has to work out the missed assessment issues with his daughter. Or do something court ordered which means his time doesn't actually start until 830pm.

I get that it is your child's birthday, but if it is on his time, then I don't think you shoukd swap it. Don't get me wrong, it's ideal when you have a co-parenting relationship where you can make these reasonable changes, but you don't have that with him.

Thank goodness your DC are now 11 and 13 and will be able to be more independent soon. Why do you ask if it's you being difficult? What have you done that's difficult?

If the children are being used as the "go between" id be inclined to set up a parenting app. I use App Close. Can't edit or delete messages. Can be used in court if needed.

Has a calendar to set activities, holidays etc.

If he messages the kids ref anything, get them to divert to the app. They can actually be added as well. They are too young to be mediators and go betweens.

Without sounding callous, this would never have happened!!!! Another form of abuse and you bowed down.

How realistic is it to plan around your weekends and just agree no swaps / changes from now onwards? It sounds like you can’t win on this one so might need to go back to basics to minimise any negotiation with him. He sounds awful, sorry OP.

There is no court order. He is not bothered and can go weeks without seeing the children.
I asked if it's me because I said no to collecting the DDs early on his birthday so HE could socialise. If he has something planned with the DDs of course they could've missed it as they gain elsewhere but we/ I can't keep making sacrifices on small things for his benefit alone - for context he has no clue what clubs they do, what they do in school, their progress, their commitments etc. he would never facilitate their hobbies as it doesn't suit him. I asked him to swap the weekends as he has previously asked the same for his children which I happily agreed to earlier on in the year.

Your mistake is trying to co-parent like a grown up. He's not mature enough to do that. So going forward makes plans around your time with them, rather than trying to rely on him being flexible.

I know. Me now would never have allowed a lot to happen then. But looking at it now he's still doing the same manipulative tactics to gain from our arrangement.

I don't think you can stop your ex behaving like a selfish twat, but I would be surprised if your DDs haven't figured out who it is who is being difficult and unreasonable, they just don't want to get caught up in the middle. I have a couple of adult friends who had to deal with crap like this as children, and they knew exactly who was causing the problems (not always dad!) and the relationship with that parent was damaged forever.

I guess you just have to keep dealing with it, and keep being clear and honest with your DDs without too much actual blame.

Can you book in something special your DD's can do outside of the party so it stings less if the girls miss that?

See sometimes I question what if it's me? Not for any reason other than how I end up feeling with any contact with my ex H - he is so reasonable with everyone just not with me. And because the DDs see me get upset I wonder what they must think.
he's the Disney dad but has recently said he can take the girls now permanently if I need to focus on myself and 'work on myself'

I agree with @JinglingtoChristmas and I would contact pastoral for both year groups for your girls. School can talk to them about positive relationships and that what their Dad is saying in messages is unhealthy and he shouldn't be using the children to convey his punishments. Coming from an outside perspective might help them as it isn't you which he can be twisting and saying you are just bitter.

The thing you have to see is that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. He clearly still feels angry toward you hence his treatment of his children to punish you. He really should be over this by now, I wonder how many conversations his wife has to hear about you and what you are up to. Not healthy.

It is up to your DDs who they spend time with which is why at this point I would involve school so they can see it for themselves. This isn't about him wanting them it is about you then paying him money.

Thankyou everyone. I just feel so sad this is how it is for the girls.

Hi Op you need to tell him if he’s going through with his threat then going forward you will be sticking with the correct days you agreed and no flexibility is a 2 way street. Also just remind him he’s not punishing you he’s punishing his kids and if he’s happy to use them as a weapon then that’s on him.

It's not you. It's him.

Read up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Also, read up about Coercive & Controlling Behaviour, which is now an offence.
Consider getting some help with this. Try Citizens Advice Bureau, or just google around for help in your locality, even try your GP, who may have local knowledge/contacts. You might consider some counselling with a therapist who has training / further understanding in the area of Domestic Abuse and/or Coercive & Controlling Behaviour.
Good luck. Be strong. In a few years time your girls will be able to make their own choices. Meanwhile, be a role model for them.