Ex husband being difficult. Or is it me?

[Hiitsmeagain1]

Hi all.
Just need some direction to understand if I can be doing things differently.
I have 2 DD with ex H - DD13 and DD11.
Have been seperated / divorced since 2015-2017.
ExH has always been difficult through marriage divorce and post life. For no reason at all. Difficult with money childcare arrangements everything.
unless things go his way he will be difficult so have adopted the method of just giving in to him when he wants favours/swaps weekends etc.
Note for my milestone birthday which fell on his weekend with DD he decided to go away for the whole month and didn't see the girls for a month and I had to rearrange my birthday plans to include them.

I have another DD3 whose birthday falls on the weekend ExH has children. I asked to swap and he said fine. I offered any weekend in return.

His birthday was last month - he expected the girls to miss their swimming/ after school clubs so he can collect early at 430 so he could go away with his friends for the evening. For context he always picks up the DD's after 830pm on a Friday evening.

I said no to his request as DD had a swimming assessment she couldn't miss. He flipped his lid.
and now has booked a light show for the weekend my DD3s bday party is planned for and has told our DD13 and DD11 the plans and trying to convince them to tell me they want to go to their dads for fear of missing out.

I'm so angry at Ex but it comes as no surprise. He messaged DD13 saying because I didn't let him collect them earlier his bday weekend he will teach me a lesson and not swap weekends and if I kept them for DD3 party (his weekend) he will not see the girls for 4 weeks because of me. He full on emotionally involves her and she is visibily uncomfortable to the point she said can I talk to him about things and not her in the future.

I offered to the girls they can be dropped off day of party earlier to dads so they can make both party and light show. They said no. But I fear they blame me for being difficult.
What can I / should I do?

Normally I’d say keep the kids out of it but I actually think this might be a good time to explain relationships to them and how to handle people who are emotionally abusing you.

I would tell the girls that you will support their decision but if he doesn’t want to see them for a month, that is neither your nor their fault. You are not responsible for policing a grown man’s behaviour. Nor are they

He is a grade one arsehole. Controlling and cruel

Can Social Services give you some advise you on what is.best for you girls.

You need to get some professional.advise on what is best for you and them.

A court order defining when they see him. It’s a mistake not to have one. Also it’s necessary to have a financial settlement following divorce. Usually clean break. He’s not ever going to want to be the resident parent. It’s all empty threats. I’d see a solicitor. Do not go near social services. Get an agreement and dc can have opinions on when they see dad.

He sounds very similar to my ex. I used to try to be cooperative through a faulty idea that it might work both ways but time has proven that it doesn’t and all that happens is I end up resentful and dealing with hassle.

Now I simply have a private no-swaps rule and plan everything on the basis of avoiding the need for cooperation. Not that I have told him that; it would set him off. I just do not make myself available using phrases like “I’m sorry, that’s not going to work” or “I’m sorry, we already have plans.” I do not specify what the plans are and if he asks, I ignore those messages or give vague responses until he starts being rude and then I disengage on the basis that he’s being rude.

With people like this (high-conflict individuals), you have to accept that you’re not co-parenting (even if that’s what they call it), you are parallel parenting. Again, they don’t need to know what you call it, but what it means is you set your own very firm rules for engagement and how things work in your own house and literally ignore everything else unless it is a direct risk to health or safety.