If you have a very long term or life-long single friend / relative (or you are one yourself) how do you treat them (you are treated)?

[Idontthinkibelonghere]

Yes, I am one, and I’d like to know how people on average (would) treat people like me, to see how that compares to the way I’m treated / spoken to and if that’s normal.
I’d appreciate anyone commenting…. Even if it’s harsh, that’s why I posted on AIBU and not on relationships.

I think that how financially well off your friends are can potentially make a huge difference to how much you see them, as a single person.

If they have the money for girls holidays, weekends away etc, then it’s easier to keep having those shared new experiences that feed the friendship and keep it going.

I’m not particularly wealthy and neither are my friends. So when you only have money for one holiday, one theatre trip, one night out - you go with your partner and/or family. The single friend is always deprioritised.

I was quite sad recently when I asked a friend if she'd like to go to see a musical with me. She said no, because she would feel guilty going without her children, who would love to see a musical, so she’s saving up to go and see one with them next year instead.

There’s only so many times you can invite a friend round to your house for coffee. At some point you need to make new memories together, it’s just unfortunate that time and money are in short supply these days.

I think you need to say specifically what you’re looking for OP.
Do you mean being invited to couples events? Getting a plus one at a wedding? Being invited to peoples houses for brunch?

my best friend is single, hasn’t had a man/ relationship in maybe 15 years. She comes to my house at least twice a month to hangout with me (and whatever combination of husband/ two kids are around). We text most days/ speak on the phone often.
before I had my kids if hubby (or boyfriend at the time) were going out for a casual drink we’d sometimes invite her. Definitely invite if a group event.

Long term single and treated totally normally by friends and family. Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t to be honest.

id say if anyone were to treat you any different then they’re a twat

I think I treat them the same as any other friend. I guess I spend more time with my single friend(s) than the ones in couples but that's more down to having more interests in common than anything connected to them being single.

I do know one long term single friend who says that she's often treated with a bit of suspicion by women in relationships.

yours is a bit of a strange question, as though you are looking for a particular response.

I treat my oldest friend, over 40 years, with respect the same way they treat me. The same goes for my longest living relatives.

Why do you ask?

I have been single for most of 22 years but have 4 older kids, youngest 22. I have a big family and a few good friends but most are in a couple. I really don't like going out to pubs etc as I don't drink and don't like being around drunk ppl. I meet friends for coffee, see family all the time and see my kids often and speak to them all the time. I went on holiday on my own for a week in July it was 😊. My oldest daughter has a 7 year old and is expecting in Spring, so I am going to be busy.
I do not want to meet a partner, I think ppl just accept me, probably don't ask me to do some things knowing I don't want to go to pubs. But I am really happy with my life.

I dont think.how people treat others is based on their relationship status surely? My friends are my friends. I treat then the same single or not.

Do you feel like you are being unfairly treated or left out?

With no disrespect intended to the coupled-up people who have answered on this thread - it's interesting that most of the people who have answered saying it's not a big deal are coupled up. My guess is that most long-term single people have a slightly different perspective on whether they get treated as an oddity or not.

@Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhereyou are a lovely friend x

This made me laugh, I’m the same 🙈😂

But they can reply too — the OP specifically asks for both sets of people to reply. I’ll be honest, I don’t understand some of the weird ‘rules’ some Mners seem to go by, eg that there are ‘girls’ nights out’ and ‘couple nights’ and opposite sex friends will invariably try to get into your underwear.

I have male and female single friends I see a lot of. I’m not sure anyone’s relationship status impacts my friendships that much. DH is away a lot for work, so I often see even joint friends solo, and one longtime friend’s partner hates socialising so I’ve only met him briefly once. Another friend is happily married to a man who lives in France, so I’ve almost never been around him. In some cases I’m not friends with people’s partners. So these friendships don’t operate any differently to those with friends who’ve been single for decades in some cases.

What on earth does their salary have to do with anything?

I sound like I’m in the exact same boat as you. Miss having a musical buddy etc. it’s tough. Your attitude of never closing a door is amazing, I must admit I’ve become resentful of some.

DH best friend is single we are in our 50s now . He is one of my best friends too ,
He is part of the family . Godfather to the children and honorary grandad too and invited to family milestone events .
He is a wonderful and kind person .

Yes, I know they can reply and some have, but it happens that most of the replies are from coupled-up people, and my point was that they will in some cases have a different perspective from their long-term single friends on how those friends are treated.

Aw I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. It is really tough isn’t it. I think there are a lot more people like us than we realise. have a look for The Single Supplement substack newsletter and facebook group.

I did a lot of soul searching about this during the Covid lockdowns. It hammered it home to me that when the chips are down, family comes first. I can’t blame my friends for putting their partners and children first. I still love who my friends are though. Having small children is temporary, I have to trust that they’ll come back to me, if I remain open to them.

But I’m not hanging about waiting either. I’m looking for people who want my company in the here and now. I’m finding them, slowly. It takes time to get to know people x

I agree with this also.

I’ve been a single mum for 5 years now. When I was married I (along with my then husband) was invited to special occasions like New Year’s Eve and birthday parties. Not anymore - I’m an afterthought, only slotted in around other events rather than being invited to those events. Or if I’m on a childfree weekend and they need childcare help.

The most recent thing was when my friend and I had arranged to go see some fireworks together, all of us (me, her, her husband and 4 kids), only for them to see another family there (a couple and their kids) and spend the whole time with them.

And they tell me that they “feel so sorry for my kids” and tell me how they say to their own children “at least your daddy still lives with us unlike cadburyegg’s kids”. I get asked why I can’t commit to an evening gym class 3 times a week.

I’m sure those friends don’t even realise they’re doing it and probably think they treat me the same as their coupled up friends.

I no longer talk to my married friends about being single or dating because their idea of being supportive and helpful is saying things like “oooh you should concentrate on the kids”, or “if Brian and I broke up I think I’d just focus on being single for awhile” etc etc.

Some of them also don’t understand the pressure from being the sole breadwinner because they all work very part time and their husbands earn most of the money. So they say things like “don’t work too late” and don’t have much of a work ethic themselves, they don’t understand why my work has to be a priority because if I don’t work my kids don’t get fed!

So as a result there’s an increasing amount of things going on in my life that I just don’t tell my married friends about. It’s very isolating.

I've know one of my friends for 52 years (life long). We live in the same town. I speak to her at least weekly and see her every two weeks. We have a lovely relationship and only had cross words once when we were about 14. I think we treat each other the same?

For a long time my SIL was single and I always assumed it was a choice as she was popular with people and very attractive. Having said that I also got the feeling that by her 40's she was looking for someone and perhaps online dating on the down low but I wasn't going to probe unless she told me. It turned out I was right and she is with a guy now and it seems to be going well.

I don't think I ever treated her differently, I think sometimes if she was at a loose end on a weekend we invited her for dinner but she was usually really busy with friends, again as she go older and her friends were mostly married she seemed more upset about being alone, about not getting much for Christmas or her birthday as she didn't have a partner to spoil her. Sometimes I sensed defensiveness from her in more recent years, she once rather bitterly told our niece she'd be better off staying away from men and to live on her own and I did think that was coming from a place of pain. Sometimes she would involve herself in other peoples relationships, in things that weren't really any of her business. At the time I thought perhaps if you had your own relationship you wouldn't be sitting stewing over what other people do in theirs but I'd never have said that to her, it would have been too unkind.

So I think it really depends in all the time I knew her up to her late 30's I never really thought about her being single, it seemed like a choice and she was always out, away on holidays with friends and so on. I only really felt like she was unhappy when she started acting and speaking differently herself. I don't think it changed how I acted or spoke to her, except perhaps offering dinner or an evening with my and my DH, her brother.

I'm not going to read replies first so I don't get caught up in them ... I can think of a few people who fit the 'long term single' description and they are different.

One friend is long term single and happy with it. I only remember she's single when it comes up in conversation or when it's something like discussing whether partners will come to an event. Basically it's not a relevant thing for me because it's not any kind of motivating factor in her life or my friendship with her.

One friend is long term single and perennially dating. I am more conscious of it because she talks about her adventures trying to wade through (often terrible, sometimes nice) men. I don't think I treat her any differently, but I would take her advice on relationships with a big pinch of salt because I think her perspective is pretty heftily shaped by a very bad relationship long ago, and by dating men who are twats.

Two others (family members) are long term single because they have never grown up. They still live at home and act like teenagers. TBH that's not really about them being single as such - I used to hope one or other of them might meet someone and it'd be the catalyst for change, but I don't think so now.

I guess basically, if someone is single it informs my relationship with them to the extent that it informs their identity/the way they interact with me. Same as anything else?

I have married friends, a life long single friend, divorced friends and a widowed friend.

I am friends because of who they are. Their marital status is immaterial because I rarely socialise with any of them as a couple.

So I don't treat any of them differently.

The only difference is that I often go and stay over with the single or widowed friends, but the married ones are generally day time meet-ups.

I have been longterm single for about 15 years and now in a relationship for last 4 years.

single I think I had a better social life. Was always being asked out by friends and busy. Now I have a partner I get asked out less as they assume I am always with my partner.

I make more of an effort with my friends now than before. But still same friends. Find have less time to socialise but I am also equally happy to be by myself.

Based on how much headspace you seem to give your SIL, I'm not sure why you assumed she wouldn't be stewing over other people's lives if she had a relationship? You have one, yet you seem to have done a fair bit of stewing over her?

@CaragianettE Not at all I've known her for 30 years and I know her very well. I'm bound to notice things and make observations. I don't get so pent up about it that I can't help myself but say something completely inappropriate or get emotionally involved in what is a deeply private matter with another couple.

Its hard for me to really know but on here it seems a lot of single people are very vocal about how happy they are and yet they are also incredibly touchy, just an observation.