If you have a very long term or life-long single friend / relative (or you are one yourself) how do you treat them (you are treated)?

[Idontthinkibelonghere]

Yes, I am one, and I’d like to know how people on average (would) treat people like me, to see how that compares to the way I’m treated / spoken to and if that’s normal.
I’d appreciate anyone commenting…. Even if it’s harsh, that’s why I posted on AIBU and not on relationships.

I have a friend who I've known for over 30 years ...she has never had a boyfriend that I've met although I know she's been on the occasional date. I don't think I treat her any differently to any of my other friends who are married or with partners.

How do I treat them?

My friend has been single for over 20 years. I call her regularly and invite her to my house to stay. When she comes I make an effort, cook great food, provide a lovely room, a nice brunch the following day and we laugh a lot. She knows she could call me any time, even in the middle of the night, if there was something I could help with. I send her flowers and presents and cards sometimes - recently a book we'd been discussing which I knew she wouldn't buy for herself. She has sometimes brought one of her adult children with her and they're very welcome as well.

How does she treat me?

She's brilliant and pretty much always answers the phone if I call. Sometimes we talk for over 2 hours. She gives great advice. If I wanted to go and see her she'd welcome me.

We are really truly honest with each other because we've known each other such a long time but that's fine because even if we disagree we do it respectfully. We are kind to each other. I love her dearly and love having her in my life.

I suppose it would depend on whether I thought the long-term singleness was something they wanted for themselves or not. Assuming it isn't, I do try and be empathetic to the difficulties of dating and single life, I fully remember how difficult I found it to meet my current partner, and I know life in a couple is easier in a lot of ways too. At the same time, I wouldn't want to convey any pity or anything, fully aware single people are often the subject of it and that's annoying too - you can feel sad about not having a partner and still have a great and full lie in other ways. I suppose on the whole I'd just try and give them space to share how they feel about their life with me, if they want to, and try and be interested in/ encouraging about potential partners if they want to talk about them. Ultimately I do think (and I say this from experience of both sides) that long-term single people need friends in the same situation because it's hard to truly understand how it feels unless you're in it - also it's not always great hanging out with a load of couples when you're single

Surely being single or not makes no difference to how you should be treated? I have married and single family members and friends, and treat them all in a similar way. Hopefully they all feel like I value them and am kind and respectful.

The majority rarely get in touch. They do things with their families, their ‘couple friends’ and their ‘mummy friends’. I was very popular to hang out with in my 20s, I am a lot of fun! But I’m not in the stage of life that they are.

It hurts, I feel sad, but I try not to get bitter. It’s just the way it is. I am just focusing on my own wider family members and on making other friends. It takes time. I haven’t crossed the old ones off the Christmas card list, perhaps they’ll have time for me again when their kids have flown and they are divorced or widowed. We might be best friends again when we’re 80. I try never to close a door.

A family relative lives alone and works (reasonable salary) and yes we find it hard to communicate with them at times. They often don’t contact us - we contact them. Their friendship circle is very small but they struggle with social skills.

I have a friend that is 60 they adopted a child over 15 years ago and live alone and have never had a boyfriend and never been in a relationship. Lots of friends and very very sociable. No different to other friends.
We discussed dating once and she said she would have liked to but no one ever asked her out. She’s bubbly and outgoing and a shame really 🤔 as she implied she would love a partner but now too set in her ways etc parents were very religious

Two male friends never had a girlfriend and not gay. No confidence and nerds. They frighten women off by talking about marriage and kids. We see them socially but they often don’t get involved or say they are busy.

I hope I don’t treat them differently but it depends on the reason for being single. I have a friend with two adult children who is a total nightmare with men and relationship and drama and either chooses unsuitable men, eg married or can’t have sex or something and is very woe me but the reality is / it’s her - her whole life revolves around herself. Long periods single. It was exhausting so I had to walk away from the friendship.

I think this is a good attitude and I'm sorry your friends have stopped making the effort now they have kids. It's why just saying 'I treat single and coupled friends the same, why would it be any different?' is disingenuous - there are clearly activities that single and childless people won't get much out of and if you only ever see your friends at child-centred activities (even if a single friend was nominally invited) then the friendship is going to wane and people will feel left out.

The thing is I think people regardless of whether they're single or married are just really flaky and bad at socialising these days...so I wouldn't necessarily put it down to the fact you're long term single.

I'm the single one in my family (and a lone parent, to my mother's horror) and I get treated like a slightly dim teenager. I'm 44.

My friends have known me since we were little and treat me no different to how they always have!

I'm long term single and I have plenty of friends, both single and couples. Being single doesn't make you a leper and singletons don't all lack social skills.

I have friends of both sexes for whom this is normal. I don't treat them any differently why would I? Meeting someone hasn't happened for them, that isn't excuse to cut ties at all. It's just a different sort of life. I try to be inclusive if they are free for whatever I'm doing great if not no great shakes. We're there for each other regardless of relationship status.

I have many friends who are long term single, people I’ve been friends with for 20+ years (we’re all in our 40s). I don’t treat them any differently to anyone else, DH and I tend to have our own sets of friends so we don’t socialise as a pair either. They’re just my friends and their relationship status is neither here nor there.

The same way I treat any of my friends?
What does their relationship status have to do with it?
I mean, we have her spare front door key, and don't do thst for anyone else. But noone else has asked.

Yes most of this resonates. The socialising with other couple friends and a sort of odd view that if you single it's because you're too picky or unlucky or just feeling sorry for you. Also financially trying to run your own house and pay for it when I have so many friends who have husbands who are high earners by now who possibly don't appreciate I'm still working a full week and still wanting to take the next step up to make a better life for us all, I don't even talk about work to some of them.

I generally try not to feel bitter either and just talk to the single friends who get it.

My very dearest friend is long term single. When ds was born I remember she said something along the lines of 'things will never be the same again, they will change' and I got the sense she was worried about the shifting of our relationship (for context we had both been single many years and did lots of stuff together).
It was quite hard in the early days (also because of geographical distance - she lives about 90 miles away) but we both made a huge effort - she with ds and me to make time for just to 2 of us. Our friendship is better than ever - ds is now grown up and I have more time and we have sort of slid back to our 30's at times 😀, have weekends away, meet in a city that is equidistant for the day. Maybe it's because we both had to work a bit at it? We understand the value of what we have.

I’m single, after divorce. Have mixed feelings about another relationship so don’t really date much. My close friends treat me no differently, if anything they probably look after me more than they did when I was married - often invite me and DD over for Sunday lunch or whatever. I’m very lucky. My friends are really important to me too and I always reciprocate the invitations, remember their birthdays, etc.

My oldest and closest friend is single and has been for most of the 40 odd years I've known her. She lives some distance away from me but we meet up at least once a month and enjoy a day or two together. We go on camping trips together and always do something special around our birthdays and Christmas. We message each other almost every day about what we're up to and talk crap endlessly. After my husband she's the first person I'd call if I had trouble and I would drop everything if she needed me.

She's wonderful. Clever, funny, adventurous and beautiful. She's very comfortable in her own skin and not interested in a relationship as she's happy as she is. She loves her family, dog, friends and has a wonderful life.

I don't think of her as single - just as her. I probably treat her better than my other friends as I love her so much.

@Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere That sounds like a lovely, life enhancing friendship for you both.

I have long term single friends and am long term single.

I am treated normally. When I was in my 20s / 30s I was badgered about my marital status and what I was doing to change that. Now I am almost 50 they have given up the badgering.

I’ve been single for fifteen years. I don’t think anyone treats me any differently tbh.

My friends go on holidays a couple of times a year (just the women) and with the men (UK long weekend) once every 12-18 months. I still go even though I am the only single one. There’s no hideous pda going on, just a load of mutual piss taking.

Nights out are 80% just women and 20% with their DPs.

I dont have any life long single friends but I have a very close friend who has been single over 10 years. I love her and value her friendship immensely. She is funny and gorgeous and very successful so I suppose I feel a bit frustrated for her that she hasn't found a man who treats her as well as she deserves yet (and I know that she would like a partner.) I dont feel sorry for her though, she has a great life, good career and beautiful home. I am interested in her dating life and ask about it, and she loves my kids and gets on well with my husband. However we still talk about all the things that we connected on when we met 20 years ago and laugh like we are still teenage girls! Admittedly there have been fewer cocktail nights and girls holidays while my DC are small but I make a real effort to see her as much as I can and plan time for the two of us to catch up properly without my kids!!

I’ve got a single DAunt and some single female friends - I treat them the same as I treat everyone else I know. I never invite couples-only to things or exclude singles if that’s what you’re asking.

What's your experience @Idontthinkibelonghere ?

I have a close friend who has been single for about 14 years when her partner left. We have children the same age and became friends when our youngests were in nursery together. She's brilliant, funny and fiercely independent and I love her. I don't think I treat her any differently to my other friends but I'm probably more mindful to drop round with a cooked meal if she's poorly as she lives on her own, that kind of thing.

Why do you ask OP? Do you feel that your friends treat you differently because you're single?

Just like anyone else as a human being, unless there is some issues you are not saying this all sounds a weird question