I'd like a bit of sympathy from DH

[MightyMorphinPowerTwat]

I'm stressed at work.

I have a big project which I'm running mostly solo because the colleague I'm meant to be collaborating with it basically shit, and our admin support is awful.

I've been having panic attacks in my sleep, which DH knows about. And I feel constantly like I'm about to throw up, which he doesn't know about.

Today I broke down crying because I feel overwhelmed. I've been trying my best to not let things get on top of me. But today I failed and cried. Its the first day of my period so I also know that's a factor in me breaking down crying.

DH basically can't handle emotions. He just gets angry and frustrated.

Today he said "I'm not going to baby you. You need to toughen up".
I know that's true. I know I'm pathetic for crying and I'm ashamed that I did. I haven't cried since June. But the amount of work I'm shouldering and other people's complete incompetence just got to me.

But I was hoping just for a little bit of sympathy, just a few kind words. AIBU?
He could've told me later to "toughen up" but, in the moment, I think it would've been kinder to give a bit of sympathy.

I get you totally and I often think this about threads on MN.

I'm honestly not a drama llama 🤣

But DH has selective memory so he'd say I am. Last night I tried to speak to DH about what had happened. He said "first you broke down over X, then it was Y, now it's this"
So in his view, I probably am a drama llama.
But X was back around 2016 when I'd not long started my job and was actually failing at it.
Y was during the pandemic when I had a massive load of new work to do ans every bit of my work (new and old) had to switched online.
And then the thing today.

So a "breakdown" roughly every five years. In the time in between I'm quite a happy go lucky person. I know you only have my word for that though.

In all honesty what did you expect some people are just emotionally disconnected
this is who they are
I think it’s unrealistic to expect people to to change as you said yourself he’s always been like that

You're completely right.

I guess I just forgot how cold DH can be when I get emotional. And then how much his coldness just compounds my sadness.
Roughly once every five years work gets overwhelming and I have an ugly-snotty-bawling cry for a day. Its a long time in between so easy to forget how much DH hates it and just turns to stone when it happens.

I think yesterday got to me because his words were particularly harsh - called me "selfish", said he wouldn't "baby" me, said I needed to "toughen up", said I was bringing "misery" into our lives.
He also kept drawing parallels between our experiences (like what he did when he was stressed and basically how I should react the same) and also gave some really flippant advice which he knows is impossible (just walk away from the project that's causing me stress). I didn't want it. It's irrelevant. All I wanted was a hug and a brew.

I also think it particularly upset me yesterday because it got me thinking about what the future will look like.

I’m in a similar situation just now OP and it’s very isolating. I have no words of advice but sending you support.

I’m so sorry, OP. You sound like you need a break.

You definitely should have got some care from your DH.

I also think it particularly upset me yesterday because it got me thinking about what the future will look like.

I would be thinking about what the future would look like without him and whether that is likely to make you happier. Because this sounds pretty shit. If a partner can't support you when you need it, what's the point of them?

He sounds awful. Can I suggest- have you explicitly told him what you need when you cry? If you want a hug and a brew can you tell him "when I am upset it is not helpful to tell me I am weak, please give me a hug and make me a cup of tea as that is what I find helpful" and if you tell him that will he do it? He sounds like he has no clue.

I don’t have much to add but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Crying is a normal and necessary emotion. Sending 🤗 hugs and prayers and hoping you get some support from your husband or someone else in your life.

@Octonaut4Life I have tried but DH gets very defensive. I tried to tell him last night but I got upset again and DH said I was just looking for someone last out at, to make it his fault.

Even if I did manage to calmly tell DH that I need a hug and a brew, I don't think he'd hear it. I think he'd just see that as indulging the issue.

Last night he took the dog out for a walk for me (it was my turn). When he came back I was hoping he'd bring me a brew as a kind of peace-offering and because he knows I love a brew about 5pm. Nothing.

Neither DH nor I are great at being sympathetic but your H is rock bottom. What’s he like if you are unwell?

I’m not sure what is the purpose of him if he gives zero support?

I would look for another job. Unless you earn like £££ nothing is worth this stress. You will likely get ill because of it.

Apparently work isn't worth me getting this upset about.

He's right. Unless someone might die, you shouldn't get so upset about this. In such situation I think about the responsibility that a surgeon has. If you are not a surgeon, then chill...

@RandomMess I haven't been ill for ages. When I had Covid he was pretty shitty. He just gets frustrated if he can't sort or solve it. But we had Covid at the same time so he was at deaths door too, so I was pretty forgiving about that.

@Sunita1234 The job overall isn't stressful. In fact, you can coast along pretty well doing very little. Its just that I'm running a project and the person I'm doing it with is pretty shit and the admin support for it is awful. I earn quite a bit more than £60K.

@MightyMorphinPowerTwat massive hugs. I’ve been in rolls like this and the stress was crippling and has left me with permanent immune system issues as I tried to ‘power through’. So constant fatigue. Recurring shingles everytime im stressed, on my period, run down, ill etc. I have 5 different patches and stages on the go now. 15 years of this now as I let one job and stressful life period destroy me.

This man will not be a fabulous partner going into retirement and old age. imagine being trapped in a house 24/7 with no work to go to.

what’s he like when he’s ill? Does he turn into a ‘dressing gown of doom’ sort? Or insist on being a martyr and carrying on as usual and making life worse for you and everyone around him?

Would he consider attending counselling if he realised how much his relationship needed it if he wants it to continue?

Why is it ok for you to be the one bending over backwards at work and at home due to other people’s crappy behaviour and expectations?

can you put a complaint in at work and explain that the level of work due to lack of support is not conductive to a supportive work environment and that they have to do better.

@TheMimsy I'm so sorry about your health problems caused by work stress.

what’s he like when he’s ill? Does he turn into a ‘dressing gown of doom’ sort?
Or insist on being a martyr and carrying on as usual and making life worse for you and everyone around him?
I can't really remember the last time he was ill, and I wasn't. We both had Covid at the same time a couple of years back and we were both pretty rubbish. When he's had minor coughs and sniffles, I'd say he does a bit of the former for a day or so, then gets pissed off at himself and just powers through until he's better. He was born in the wrong era. He sees illness - outside of the 'big ones' like MS, cancer, dementia - as weakness. I know, I know...

Would he consider attending counselling if he realised how much his relationship needed it if he wants it to continue?
I really don't think so, no.

Why is it ok for you to be the one bending over backwards at work and at home due to other people’s crappy behaviour and expectations?
I don't really feel like I am bending over backwards at home, to be honest.

can you put a complaint in at work and explain that the level of work due to lack of support is not conductive to a supportive work environment and that they have to do better.
Unfortunately not. Everyone knows this is the situation. And there's not really anyone to complain to. The whole sector has gone to absolute shit - higher education.

He is who he has always been. I suspect your choice of partner may have been based on his similarly to your mum who you say was also emotionally unavailable ?

If you have changed, or simply come to the realisation that is not enough, it is not surprising he doesn't know what to do. Not nice, but not surprising.

Do you have anyone else you can turn to for emotional support right now? It sounds like you really need that and he is simply not that person.

You need to deal with work as a separate issue. Escalate your problems until they become someone elses problems. Make a formal record of issues that are not being managed or dealt with.
Then once you are back to a steadier place you are going to have to ask your DH if he is capable of evolving or if he is determined to stay as he is. Maybe you can help each other change, maybe not. It sounds like he has no emotional tools to deal with what you are going through. Thats a pretty bleak place to be too.

This is what you actually need! I am in OP's position, DH has addiction issues and is now 220 days sober, he can't cope and can be an arse. So I have learnt to just focus on what I can do and in this moment, I can get support via work.

Why did you marry this emotionally unavailable douchenozzle????

I’m sorry OP but it’s a big fat LTB from me

your partner is supposed to make your life better - this isn’t better, it’s controlling and abusive

Has your husband always been this way? Why on earth would you marry an emotionally unavailable and unsupportive loser??

The good news for both of you is this: You don't have to stay married to these useless potato boys - you can get a divorce!! Free yourselves from this emotional drudgery. You'd be better off by yourself and feeling cruddy than having to share a home with an unsupportive and emotionally decrepit bummer.

Ouch!

Our pasts often try to choose our futures

You sound nothing like a drama llama to me quite the opposite