I'd like a bit of sympathy from DH

[MightyMorphinPowerTwat]

I'm stressed at work.

I have a big project which I'm running mostly solo because the colleague I'm meant to be collaborating with it basically shit, and our admin support is awful.

I've been having panic attacks in my sleep, which DH knows about. And I feel constantly like I'm about to throw up, which he doesn't know about.

Today I broke down crying because I feel overwhelmed. I've been trying my best to not let things get on top of me. But today I failed and cried. Its the first day of my period so I also know that's a factor in me breaking down crying.

DH basically can't handle emotions. He just gets angry and frustrated.

Today he said "I'm not going to baby you. You need to toughen up".
I know that's true. I know I'm pathetic for crying and I'm ashamed that I did. I haven't cried since June. But the amount of work I'm shouldering and other people's complete incompetence just got to me.

But I was hoping just for a little bit of sympathy, just a few kind words. AIBU?
He could've told me later to "toughen up" but, in the moment, I think it would've been kinder to give a bit of sympathy.

He sounds really horrible.

But you need to stop being a martyr at work and doing it all.

If your colleagues are a problem, you need to sort it with management, not do double the work for the same amount of pay.

He just can't process the idea that everything is wrong.

He'll ask "what's up?" fucking repeatedly as if there's one thing that he can then talk through and provide a solution to. He's OK with that.

But I can't say "this is up". Just everything's up. Everyone's incompetent, I have too much to do, I'm managing a million moving parts, my womb lining's leaking out of my vagina...

There’s a difference between not being able to handle emotions and being actively mean to somebody who is displaying them.

take care of yourself OP, and I hope that you have other people in your life who can take care of you a bit

@Edenmum2 Unfortunately not. We have a saying for anytime I've ever tried to share issues with my mum - "A problem shared is a problem doubled" 😂

I don't have any other family, and no really close friends that I'd go bawling my eyes out to.

Why on earth are you staying in a relationship with someone "who doesn't do emotions"? We are all human, we all have them and processing emotions are vital to our well being.

Ah, yet another man who conveniently exempts anger from being an emotion.

Perhaps you could tell him HE should toughen up because, yes, people are allowed to cry and display emotions other than anger so he needs to get over himself and handle it better.

Crying is not a moral failure, OP. It can actually be a release, which is healthy. Your husband sounds mean. I hope you have people in your life who aren't dismissive of your feelings.

I'm sorry to hear that you have no one to lean on. I don't know how I'd cope in a marriage like that with no external support.

Stress hormones are excreted in your tears. They are actively helpful!

I would just add think carefully before you have kids together. My oh sounds similar. If it’s not in his book of something worth getting upset over he just doesn’t get it.
I’ve learnt to manage but we now have a teenager daughter and it’s just been horrible. I am thinking of leaving as seeing how he treats her has made me see what I have put up with in the past. He tends to just leaves her alone now as I told him some harsh truths (which he didn’t really accept) as he said some actually vile things to her when she was just sharing her emotions.

Thats shit OP. One human does not get to tell another human what they should and shouldn't feel. If getting emotional is a relatively rare occurrence, a marriage partner should see it as a sign that the other person needs some support not that they're weak willed or something. He clearly sees emotion as a weakness rather than an expression. He can choose to be non emotional but its not OK to expect other people to be the same. And you need to tell him that. And that telling someone to 'toughen up' has literally never worked in the history of the world, so he can't do logic or emotion. You may feel like you could be more resilient if you had someone who had your back. I'd also spell out to him that you're not specifically looking for solutions just someone to feel like you're sharing the load with and that wants to help, not blame you for it

"If getting emotional is a relatively rare occurrence, a marriage partner should see it as a sign that the other person needs some support not that they're weak willed or something"

He doesn't see it as a rare occurrence. In summer, he said I cry "all the time". I don't. I cry a couple of times a year. I'll admit, they're always big cries. But because he's cried twice in his life, he thinks any more than this is "all the time"

Let it out, there's no shame in crying, it's your brain/body's response to stress, and as such is a perfectly natural thing to do. It's literally better to let it out than keep it in. Husband is being an arse.

He's an arsehole.

”I’m not going to baby you” how fucking cruel and unkind! I’m also not a crier but I cried out of overwhelm at the weekend, dh comforted me and listened to me even though I couldn’t fully explain why I was so upset.
I’m so sorry for you op, supporting and caring for each other are the least you should expect in a loving relationship. He doesn’t even sound like he showed you basic kindness 😞

You aren’t pathetic and don’t need to toughen up. What you need is a safe space to express your emotions whenever you need to. Do you have children? I really hope if you do that they are able and encouraged to express all their emotions.

DH is a dick.

I am not a crier. I cry maybe once every few years. I’m just not a very emotional person, I am very much head over heart. Possibly as a result of my abusive “childhood”

Anyway, that absolutely doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that other people are more emotional than me. That they will get upset and cry more easily. I don’t see it as weakness, just difference.

His difference is no excuse to be so dismissive and nasty.

He needed to be supportive and bloody hell, cry if you want to! But I have to say on the flip side, you probably need either a different job or ways to cope better with the stress - panic attacks in the middle of the night are just too much - you should listen to your body.

My partner is a bit like this, taking the weight of it all and it affects his mood, health and isn't great to be around but it's been like it for years. I listen, am on 'his side', we talk at length about ways to cope, regular breaks, looking after himself, good nights sleep, being kind to himself, asking bosses for a hand etc, but it's all forgotten by the next day and nothing changes. It does get frustrating and it's awful to watch my OH get so stressed and am afraid sometimes I get cross with him, which I know must add to his rubbish day.

I think too many companies out there now want blood from their staff but this is too much for some. What's that old expression? Work to live, not live to work, there's something in that.

He doesn’t do emption? He never gets angry? Sad? Is never frustrated? Worried? Upset? Is he never happy? Elated?

But he just sounds like a dick.

I would be really, really upset if DH said that to me.

Crying isn't failing. Crying is actually helping you to regulate all of this. Don't push your emotions away.

I tried to talk to him.

Apparently work isn't worth me getting this upset about.
I do agree but that's not how emotions work. Also, who regulates what's worth getting upset about? DH apparently.

When DH was stressed - so stressed his hair fell out a bit - he just stopped
Very true but he was able to because the thing that was making him stressed could carry on without him, without him being missed. I can't step away - if I step away the project stops. If the project stops, I am in breach of contract with funders which is a disciplinary issue.

Apparently its selfish to get so upset and bring such negative mood into our life.
I just have no response to this.

I'm absolutely gutted at how he's been with me today.

We don't have children and no plans for any.

I’m pissed off reading this. I had a business that was slowly failing and I was secretly drowning and keeping it to myself. One evening I cracked and cried so much. My husband was amazing and everything felt so much better once I shared my feelings and he helped me make a plan to either fix it or ditch it! That’s not helpful for you, but I just want to show you what a partners reaction should be to seeing you so low and vunerable!

Glad to hear you have no children. Now you can get rid with a clear conscience, find a better job, and when you are settled and grounded, meet a man who deserves you. This loser needs to go in the bin.

It is hard to say because we only have your version he may be a terrible partner and wont give sympathy to anyone but also I have known people who constantly turn everything into a saga, I can see why they have constant relationship troubles as they need constant reassurance and are very draining to know let alone have a relationship with

So OP is the only one who has ever been unsympathetic or is there a pattern. MN tends to just go with whatever the OP puts and goes and does not see it from what could be another view point