AIBU to say that if my boyfriend goes to the casino, he can’t sleep at our place that night?

[imtryingtoimprove]

Hi everyone,

I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 19. We’ve been together a 4 years.

My bf absolutely loves going to the casino. He talks about it several times a week and would happily go every week if I didn’t say anything. He keeps asking me to come with him, but I honestly have zero interest. I don’t enjoy gambling at all, I don’t want to spend my money there, and I hate “money games” in general.

On top of that, I have really bad sleep problems. I’m a very light sleeper, it takes me ages to fall asleep, and once I’m awake I don't go back to sleep. If he goes to the casino and then comes home late, full of adrenaline, it completely destroys my night. I end up waiting for him, and then I can’t sleep properly after he comes in.

Because of all this, I’ve set a boundary:
He is free to go to the casino if he wants, but if he goes, he can’t sleep at our apartment that night.
He has loads of options – he has friends who would happily have him to stay, and family members as well. It’s not like he’d be on the street. I’m not telling him he can’t go. I’m just saying that if he chooses to go, I don’t want the fallout on my sleep and my mental health.
The other big part of this is that I genuinely think he’s addicted, or at least heading that way. That’s basically my main reason for not wanting this in my life. It makes me really uncomfortable to feel like I’m enabling it by welcoming him back in the middle of the night like it’s all fine.

From my point of view, I’m not trying to control him – I’m trying to protect myself and my sleep, and I don’t want to support behaviour I see as a problem.
So, AIBU?
Is it unfair to say he can go to the casino if he wants, but if he does, he can’t sleep at our place that night?

I'd like to add, that if he goes out, it's always with a friend, so he can stay the night at the friend’s house after they go to the casino together

Your place? So you both equally pay for it?

If so yabu.

But leave him if you don't like a gambler- I would.

Hmm if it's not happening every week (I'm not sure from your post) then I don't think this boundary is really ok - are you basically saying he can't have a late night out for any reason and come home to his own house that night? Could he just sleep on the sofa or something - that's what my husband and I do if either of us is going to be in late and the other one doesn't want to be disturbed.

I think you have a bigger problem though, which is that you're nineteen years old and are tying yourself to someone who you fear is becoming a problem gambler, or who at the very least has a growing interest in something you actively dislike. You don't need to stay with him you know; you're both still finding out who you are and may well grow into very different people over the next few years (and beyond!).

Probably the worst way you can set yourself up in life for heartbreak, disappointment, and poverty, is to date or marry a gambler. If you were my DC, my advice would be that it isn’t about whether or not he gets to sleep at home after the casino, it’s do you really want to tie yourself to someone who gambles. It is not a harmless habit. Once a year on holiday, sure, talking about it “several times a week” he is addicted. This won’t end well for you if you stay with him.

You are trying to control him no matter what you try to convince yourself. However, as long as it’s not also his home, it’s fine to say that he can’t come round after a certain time because you are asleep. It’s not fine to say it’s because he’s doing something you don’t approve of.

A potential or actual gambling addiction doesn’t change the above but it isn’t someone I would be continuing a relationship with.

You can’t ban him from his home OP. You can break up if you don’t like his behaviour though.

I think it’s unreasonable to not let him stay. If you had a late night, would you be happy to have to stay elsewhere?

As others have said, the gambling is a massive red flag. There is no way I’d have a relationship with a gambler.

I think you can ask him but not tell him. Otherwise your reasoning is pretty understandable.

It’s your joint home. You don’t get to dictate when he can stay there.

You cannot unilaterally impose rules on the comings and goings of someone from their own home where they pay bills. It can only be by agreement.

But I agree with pp. This isn’t working for you. You need to split up.

I think you need to reconsider whether you are compatible as a couple. You are still young and finding yourself, as is he.

You’re both very young and I think you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and stress if you commit to a committed gambler. It will always be life on a financial knife edge. It’s an addiction.

If it's "our place" in the sense you both live there and both pay for it, then yes this is controlling. Imagine you got a hobby he wasn't keen on and he banned you from coming home at night?

But if he's into gambling and you don't approve don't set yourself up for a lifetime of misery by staying working your are incompatible with.

A relationship with an addict is a guarantee of misery and heartbreak ahead.

That's the elephant in the room OP

If the alternative was that he didn't like you going out late and banned you from coming back to your shared home afterwards, he'd be called controlling and abusive, and rightly so.
You are trying to control his behaviour by making it awkward for him if he goes.

I agree with others that id cut my losses and break up with someone who was showing signs of having a gambling problem. Trying to ban him from coming home from the night out isn't the way to deal with this.

You don't like gambling, he's a gambler.

Him sleeping elsewhere isn't going to solve your issue is it? Why are you continuing a relationship with someone so completely incompatible with you?

He’s got a gambling problem. This will affect you forever if you stay with him.

Come on, you have only been with 1 guy since you were 15, you don't agree with his favourite "hobby" (can't say I blame you) and you want to ban him from his own home?

You are way too young to settle and live this miserable life, it's never going to end well.

Get your own place, or with friends, date, and don't settle with a gambler at 19!
You have at least a good 10 years to have fun and not even think about settling.

Are you both paying the rent? If so you are being unreasonable. He's a grown man and should be able to come home even if he has been out late.

Well you can't ban him from returning to his own home, surely?

Living with a gambler though will bring a whole realm of trouble and misery

19 and spending his weekends in the casino! That’s a bit sad… he should be out clubbing!
like pp have said, you can’t ban him from his own home but you could ask him to sleep on the sofa if it’s affecting you getting a decent sleep. Especially if it’s a regular thing.
but I’d be more concerned about his hobby than where he’s sleeping…

Speaking from experience… as above ^^

Think very very carefully about your future with him. Very carefully OP.
Good luck.

Nailed it.

I’m going to go against the grain and say I do think that you can live with someone and set sensible boundaries to protect your sleep and your wellbeing.

I would not be happy with a partner regularly (weekly) coming home so late that it was waking me up and impacting my health through poor sleep. Once a month, okay maybe, but not every week. I think part of the responsibility of living with someone is that you have to respect each other’s needs.

A night out gambling is a want, sleep is a need. My Dh, for example, we’re in our 40s with 2 children, doesn’t have a night out and come home after. If he’s going out (and it’s maybe 4 times a year) and not planning to be home before 10pm, he stays with a friend or they all get a room. My sleep is important and someone has to get up the next day and do the adulting. If that’s going to be me, he knows he has to let me get a proper night of sleep. If he really wants to go to the casino, surely he could go after work and be home by 9pm or he could go Saturday afternoon and be home for dinner.

All that said, I’ve got no time for gambling. Someone that hyped up on gambling at only 19 is in for a world of problems. I would not tie myself to him legally or financially and definitely do not have children!

This! Please get out now whilst you still can. Your future self will thank you!