To wonder whether people ever think about the friends they ghosted or dropped for no reason, especially when they did it badly or hurtfully?

[QuietLooseEnds]

Do those people ever look back and think, “That wasn’t fair,” or do they just move on and never care?

Agreed. The friend I dropped after 10 years was not being loyal to me and didn’t realise (or understand)? that they were being used to find out information about me by someone who caused a lot of trouble for me. They kept divulging things thinking the other person was genuinely interested.

I dropped them because they were also friends with a sworn enemy of mine who kept pretending to show an interest in my business to find out from them where I was working and then sabotage my work.

I was doing a lot of high profile work at the time in public locations and my work kept being mysteriously stolen and destroyed overnight. After I dropped the friend and the mutual ‘frenemy’ couldn’t find out where I was working, my work suddenly stopped being sabotaged.

I do still think about them 20 years later and wonder about them but I just couldn’t trust them. I did try to explain what was happening but they just didn’t believe it and thought I was imagining it.

This !!!

there’s always a reason. You might not think it valid, or bad enough that you’d walk away from a friendship, but they have a reason that makes it the best course of action for them.

I don’t know that this thread will help you because only they know the reason, and only they know how they feel. Mn is always full of assumptions which are all people can have really- people can assume people are users, claim narcissist, or say they may be going through something or be depressed. Nobody really knows a person’s situation!

Me and my best friend of 20 years fell out.

She was 100% in the wrong.

We had never had a crossed word until she got with a new man.

We made up and met up to clear the air - she had basically twisted things to make it that she was in the right (her bf put thoughts into her head).

I was shocked how anyone can twist things so much but she basically convinced herself that she was right and I was wrong.
She will stand by it to this day and so she doesn’t feel guilt because in her mind she did nothing wrong.

Exactly. In some situations there just isn't any good way to end a friendship.

I don't think I've ever "ghosted" anyone as such, but I've chosen to do a slow fade sometimes. It seems like the best way, in a lot of cases. I'm not sure anyone's been very upset by it. Maybe they were slow-fading me as well?!

I certainly wouldn't want to start in with explanations of why I didn't want to be friends with them any more. Who wants to hear that their relentless negativity brings me down, or that they're obsessed with money and their frugality is ruining our meet-ups (even though they're richer than me), or that they are permanently needy and self-obsessed, or that I'm just more busy now and want to prioritise my time with the people I like more than them? Wouldn't that just make them feel worse?

Agree there is usually a reason. For me I stopped being useful. I filled a gap when she wasnt working. Got dropped as fast. Just wont get used again. I agree though if someone really nasty you prob would ghost than confront them about it.

I’m on the verge of ghosting someone. There have always been minor issues but now the bad is outweighing the good.

She is controlling, bossy and patronising. Therapy has made her worse as she now has ramped up the bad traits and sees them as ‘strong boundaries’.

A mutual friend has already ghosted her. I will be going for a slow fade. There’s no point to a discussion as her personality won’t change and I don’t want to dissect every incident. Plus she would be very hurt, which I don’t want to do.

A close, old friend ghosted me. I was extremely sad about it for a long time but, looking back, she’d done the same to other friends. Now it’s just awkward because mutual friends ask me how she is and I have to say I don’t know, the last time she replied to one of my messages was in 2020.

Ive never ghosted a friend but I have lost touch with people over the years, some of which I regret, others not so much 😆

I'm currently in the process of ghosting a "friend". I'm pretty sure I have good reasons and there's no point sharing the reason with her, I've spoken to her about it before and she just doesn't change.

I don't actually care if anyone else feels my reasoning is valid - I don't owe anyone friendship and a friendship that is causing me stress/ upset/ hurt/ frustration on the long term, isn't really a friendship is it?

I heavily suspect she'll think I had "no reason".

No I haven't felt like that because ive ghosted them for a reason. The relationship was too toxic to even have a sensible conversation about distance and boundaries.

This.

Hi

Yes, i think about this person sometimes. I hope they are well and i do feel guilty but at the same time; im pleased this person is no longer in my life

They really brought me down

I have ‘moved on’ from friends in the way that you might outgrow people from school, work colleagues that I have been close to or just drifted apart from. Often circumstances change, our lives and interests have moved apart. No ill will behind it, just occurred naturally and lost contact for me anyway, so no I don’t think ‘that wasn’t fair’.

I do sometimes think about people no longer in my life fondly but on occasion when people have gotten in touch years later I haven’t wanted to meet up to rekindle as I am a different person now- I do feel a little mean about that but?? I don’t owe them anything or have space in my life for them?!

I think it was Mel Robbins who said in her book ‘Let them’ that there are different types of friends and not all are meant to be in your life forever. Would be worth a read if you are struggling with people who you have lost contact with to help understand it.

It's true that there's always a reason, but it doesn't have to be a good reason as others have said. And you might never know what the reason is.

Some people grow apart - change in attitude, or in priorities. Whatever it is, the reasons for being friends aren't as strong, and so the friendship ends.

It's hard, but you can't force someone to stay your friend. Learn what you can from it, and do your best going forward.

Take care.

I have done it (twice) and yes I do look back. For the first friend, I think about her often ans have thought about getting back in touch but I think it would be selfish of me, it’s been over 30 years. The other ‘friend’, I do think about but have zero interest in getting back in touch. 2 very different scenarios and reasons for me dropping contact though.

Exactly the same. Ghosted at different times. I think her friends are suitable at different times of her life and she moves on.
Sometimes another ghosted friend will ask me have I heard anything (no is the answer) which makes me think she picks up friebds along the way (all of us met her in one place say and I was the last to be ghosted).

Ive been ghosted by three people. One was a friend of some 15 years. We had a difference (which seemed trivial at the time) but was never able to repair it. The other two (uni friends) just sort of drifted away because they lived in different parts of the country. We all moved on with our lives.

The only person I have ever deliberately ghosted was a very needy neighbour who lived in the next street. I did a favour for her and as they say no good deed goes unpunished. I soon found myself her unofficial PA, doing her shopping and life admin. She would come around one or two afternoons a week while I was WAH and natter for hours. Eventually I told her I had started a new job and the uni wanted us in the office 5 days a week. I also took a 3 week holiday which broke the rhythm. She never went out in the dark so I was able to avoid her. She did try wandering round once or twice but I did not answer the door. I didnt feel guilty because she had a grown up son at home to do the practical stuff. It was just more convenient having another woman to rely on. Eventually they moved away.

I don't think drifting away is the same as ghosting though.

I think what happens quite often is that one party think it’s drifted apart naturally and the other party think it’s ghosting.

I stand by the saying that friends come for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I’ve found many people are conflict avoidant, and will sooner ghost someone than say ‘I find that thing you talk about really irritating’ or ‘I don’t enjoy going to XYZ’.

I ghosted a friend from school over an issue that on the face of it was quite trivial, but it was in line with her shitty behaviour that I’d tolerated over the years so I decided it wasn’t worth the hassle anymore, even for a 10+ year friendship. If it had happened on another day I might have been more upfront about it or not ghosted, but on that occasion I blocked her and haven’t been in contact since. I discovered afterwards that she had something going on which would partly explain her part in the last incident (I imagine she told our mutual friends that I was the heartless person who cut her off when she was going through something), but realised it was still the final straw and not just an isolated case. A mutual friend told me of similarly poor behaviour she’d received from the same person so I felt validated, and the wider friend group disbanded anyway in our 30s.

Most people who I could maybe say ghosted me, with the benefit of hindsight it was more a case of being friends for a reason or a season, so the passage of time with changing jobs, having kids, simply evolving and it has been more of a drift than a ghosting.

I had a friend who I haven’t seen for over a year and I am not sure who ghosted who. I think I was the last one to suggest meeting up and she said she was busy so perhaps she ghosted me.

I would say that I don’t see her any more because, no matter what happens, we always talk about her problems. She is perpetually in a crisis and I’ve run out of juice. Plus I don’t want to talk about politics in the way she does - but she keeps coming back to stuff about Israel.

She would say that I have pulled away from her when she needed help and that I refuse to engage in rigorous political discussions.

I suspect that I give this person a lot more thought than she has given me.

I also think we expect too much from friends, most are not our ‘ride or dies’. I’m more content in friendships now I lower expectations and enjoy companion for what it is.

I had friends who were boundary bullies that I had to ghost. I was getting nowhere trying to be accommodated in the relationship, it was always about them. Life is too short.

For me, I think I fade away from friends when our friendship just gets very reduced.. like, we used to have kids that played together and over the years it’s just become coffee shop dates, it’s boring.
lve just been blocked on fb. By a very long term friend, because I got exasperated by her constant complaints and touchiness. She couldn’t handle any conflict with me at all, and clearly it wasn’t worth it to her to try to resolve it. I don’t mind, it shows I wasnt worth much to her, fair enough. She herself has been ghosted by a very close friend and had “ no idea why”……
I think you have to love a friend to work through life’s phases with them, and most friendships don’t spark that level of engagement.