To walk away from these friends?

[Wolve]

I’m part of a small circle of five female friends - we’ve known each other for about 7 years now. Been through highs and lows with children, partners etc. Lots of ongoing support with school pick ups, drowning sorrows over a glass of wine etc. These are my closest friends but I am getting to the point where I can’t stand being with them due to the behaviour of one member of the group. Everything becomes about her. If I mention something I’m doing she has either done it before (but better) or had it 1000 times worse than me. Everyone else runs around after her. She makes horrible remarks to me disguised as banter. I didn’t notice it for a long time but now I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it. She can be great too but the bad is outweighing the good and I’m getting to the point where I just don’t want her in my life. I’m worried that if I stop being friends with her, I’ll have to walk away from everyone else too as we do so much together as a group. AIBU to tell the others how I feel and risk ruining my friendships?

No that’s not ok. If they were true friends they’d stick up for you or check in with you about what she said afterwards.
Id quietly remove myself from groups chats and outings and if anyone of them are your friends they’ll still want to see you 1-1.

I would just try to limit my exposure to this one person as much as possible. It's hard to find good friends and I'd be really reluctant to move away from the group. Do you ever do stuff one on one, can you arrange something with them in smaller groups?

Remember that her behaviour comes from insecurity, it's about her and not you. It doesn't make it any less annoying, but might make it slightly more tolerable.

I was in this exact same situation a few years ago, and I had to make the decision to step away from the group for the sake of my own mental health. I couldn’t pretend to like the particular friend for the sake of staying in the friendship group, as she just wearing me down more and more, and it wasn’t healthy. Of course, it was only me that was a target, but it was all very subtle, so not always evident to others. She was jealous of certain things.

It sadly meant I lost some good friends, but walking away was the best decision overall.

Thank you for replying. I think I will need to walk away (or slip away quietly) . I haven’t slept all night thinking about it but the last time we all got together I was so unhappy. Waiting for the next ‘joke’ at my expense and everything revolving around her. I don’t think she’s jealous of me - I think I’m actually jealous of her. I’ve had a rough few years and while the group were supportive I never got half as much help as she does when she needs it. I think @HeartandSeoul nails it - I just can’t pretend to like her any more and that makes me feel sad. DC will miss seeing her DS outside of school but I need to protect myself. Hopefully some of the others will still want to see me.

OP, what strikes me in your posts is that you describe as your ‘closest friends’ of seven years a group, one of whom is persistently unpleasant to you — how did this come about?

Do you have other friends aside from this group?
I’d be looking at joining and getting involved with other groups, trying to meet other people.
I don’t think this group is good for you, it sounds toxic.

There has always been a lot of mickey taking within the group so I guess I didn’t notice that it was becoming nastier until about six months ago. I honestly feel
like the scales have fallen from my eyes. I know the others notice because I can see the looks on their faces but they don’t say anything. I have thought about calling her out but then she would make herself into the victim and suck up even more attention than she does now!

I stepped away from a group… I just left the WhatsApp group

I’d noticed one out for the group was ‘snooty’ towards me. Over time I noticed their subtle pattern of suggesting/organising events that I could not attend. I also heard her say things in quite a polite way but were quite judgey and unkind.

What tipped me to leave was, we were arranging to meet up and I felt irritated and anxious at the prospect. I had some very happy things going on but also some difficult family stuff in the background. I realised we would sit at a meal and talk about the usual light stuff (boring) and that these people just didn’t have a clue what was going on in my life that really mattered to me and I was not prepared to go there an pass myself off in conversation. I concluded they were not the type of friends I needed.

There were many other smaller things that I just let go.

I also reflected that I prefer having one to one friends and I continue to meet my other friends where we both talk about all the good bad and the ugly 🙂

So what, though? You don’t have to go on the attack. Just say ‘What did you say, Sandra?’ as though you didn’t hear first time. Make her repeat it, or think better of saying something unpleasant again.

Or ask what she means. Make her explain herself, or be embarrassed by having to explain her remark.

That way she loses whatever pleasure she takes in mocking you, because it’s like having to explain or repeat a joke. Ruins the fun.

I’m sorry you experienced that. It’s not a nice feeling to be left out. I’ve realised that I just don’t discuss difficult personal things with the group any more. I have other friends I can talk to but none of them live nearby unfortunately.

Good advice - will give that a go (might start calling her Sandra as well 😆)

You need to focus on the other friendships within the group. I wouldn’t be telling the others just give her a wide berth.

Do. Or Nigel if you want to vary things.

🤣🤣

I think the larger the friendship group the higher the chance of someone you don’t like . It’s happened in my group , one lady is slowly fading because one of the group is totally dominant and she just doesn’t realise her impact . It’s very difficult because the only person losing out will be you OP but there’s nothing worse than a grating ‘ friend ‘

I'd call her out on it too like @SlightTickle says! You've got nothing to lose if you're considering stepping back anyway. You never know, she might stop and then yiu'll hsve gained. I 100% support calling her Sandra as you do it too, piss her right off!

God, she sounds exhausting. This might sound a bit underhand but if you see any group members 1-1 could you raise "Sandra's" behaviour with them?

Sometimes you find that everyone in a group has been inwardly eye-rolling about one person's outrageous behaviour, it's just that nobody wants to be the one to call it out. Oh well, that's just Sandra being Sandra again...

Whereas I think if enough people discuss it, there can be a tipping point where it's not tolerated then at least you might feel some solidarity from others when Sandra starts her nonsense, and she might get the message that the group as a whole doesn't approve of this behaviour.

This back-channel approach might sound mean but I think it's the only way to deal with bullies who are unlikely to care if you tell them they have offended you. They'll just read it as weakness.

Sometimes I find my own female friendship group frustrating because they are quite avoidant - bad behaviour like Sandra's gets tolerated but anyone confronting it directly gets punished because there's such a social premium set on kindness/niceness.

However a member very like Sandra was eventually expelled from this group after enough people compared notes. It took years though! But might be worth a try, to salvage the group rather than having to leave it.

I agree with @SlightTickle - you don’t have to make a massive deal but you can pull her up “that’s a bit harsh” “err - really?” It may be the others think she’s off but think you’re ok with it. If she carries on/plays the victim/the others don’t get on board with you, you have your answer about walking away @Wolve

I would call her out but I wouldn’t lose a group over her.

Life is too short to go out with friends and have a rubbish time imo. You're not enjoying the company of the group because of one bully, so yeah, for sure walk away. Nothing to stop you catching up with the others now and then, even if one person at a time. What will be interesting to see is once you've left the group, which one of the remainder of your friends will be the next victim? Bullies rarely change - oh and she sounds so bloody dull, with the 'seen it, wore the t-shirt' attitude on everything too. Yawn!

5 is hard isnt it then personalities too. I work better either one to one meetups. It is hard op. Could you meet the others separately? We friendly 5 school mams but we meet up one to one too as dates dont always suit

This every single time.
You’re letting her get away with it, so that’s why she keeps doing it.
Remember bullies are the biggest cowards.
Why are you letting her ‘get rid of you?’

Is there a reason why you are unable to chat or meet up 1 to 1 with your friends , does it always have to be in a larger group.

I think it’s inevitable that sometimes in life you’re not going to like everyone or their behaviour and it’s quite common for friendships ebb and flow. People can change and you can go from enjoying their company to finding them quite negative to be around.

You have a few options, really.

1. Say nothing and hate every meet up as a group.
2. Speak to this woman one-to-one and ask what her deal is. Or if she makes a comment to you in the group making an effort to say “That’s not a nice thing to say” or “please don’t say things like that, it’s not banter. It’s just rude.”
3. You start meeting one to one with the other ladies from the group. You are always somehow busy when they meet up in a larger group.
4. You don’t say anything, but take yourself away from the group and loose friends that have done nothing wrong. This doesn’t sound like the best option to me.

Why not speak to her privately about how she's making you feel? You say there's a lot of micky taking in the group...is it possible that she's not aware she's crossed a line because you haven't said anything? If a friend I'd had for 6.5 years suddenly started taking 'banter' too far to the point that they were upsetting me, my first instinct would be to let them know.

You say that you're jealous of her - are you maybe taking her comments a little too personally as a result?

Obviously if she carries on doing it after you've made her aware, or makes a drama out of you bringing it up then you'll have a decision to make.

Walk away but call her out first.