To walk away from these friends?

[Wolve]

I’m part of a small circle of five female friends - we’ve known each other for about 7 years now. Been through highs and lows with children, partners etc. Lots of ongoing support with school pick ups, drowning sorrows over a glass of wine etc. These are my closest friends but I am getting to the point where I can’t stand being with them due to the behaviour of one member of the group. Everything becomes about her. If I mention something I’m doing she has either done it before (but better) or had it 1000 times worse than me. Everyone else runs around after her. She makes horrible remarks to me disguised as banter. I didn’t notice it for a long time but now I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it. She can be great too but the bad is outweighing the good and I’m getting to the point where I just don’t want her in my life. I’m worried that if I stop being friends with her, I’ll have to walk away from everyone else too as we do so much together as a group. AIBU to tell the others how I feel and risk ruining my friendships?

Thanks everyone. To answer a few questions I do sometimes meet up with the others 121 if it’s a particular activity that no-one else is into but I’ve loved our whole group meet-ups in the past. Now I’m aware of what’s going on I can’t go back to that happy ignorance if that makes sense. I’m on edge and I share far less in the group (there’s some massive stuff going on my in life they know nothing about) because I know she’ll have something to say about it. That makes me sad.

She has always been a bit ‘me me me’ but has seemed much worse in last few months - or maybe I’ve changed and don’t want to tolerate it any more. Probably due to ‘massive life stuff’.

I am going to start pointing out the rudeness before I give up completely. Wish me luck 🫣

I think the bigger issue are your other friends, not " sandra". Why are they not coming to your defence every time she says something snippy or mean to you? They can't be blind. The fence sitters are 100% to blame. Without their support you're continually the target, whereas the wind would be taken out of sandras sails very quickly if they collectively shut her down with a well times ' that's harsh ' retort every single time she comes at you. Bullies thrive in the shadows; only when their behaviour is dragged into the light can things change but for that to happen your other friends need to have your back and push back.

You’re right @Lisley they should be calling it out. There has been some eye rolling but no-one has actually said anything.

But if you’re not challenging it, and aren’t visibly upset by anything she says, presumably they don’t think you need defending? And if you haven’t told anyone in the group you have big or difficult stuff going on in your life because of what you imagine her response will be, that’s not on them.

You’re giving ‘Sandra’ (Nigel to her friends) way too much power here. You say you won’t challenge her about her snide remarks because she’d ’play the victim’, and you haven’t told your closest friends about hard current life stuff because you’re second-guessing her response to that, too. You’re allowing her to dictate major elements of your own behaviour here, and letting your imagined version of her responses cut you off from a major source of support!

Are you afraid of her?

Can you have a set of stock ‘faux outrage’ phrases? Things like:

Ooh Sandra, you big meanie!
How RUDE!
Good grief, Sandra. Did you get out the wrong side of someone’s bed this morning?
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
Is it your usual whipping boy’s day off?

This.
You can also say are you always this rude and laugh.

Whycant people just be nice, life is much easier.

I didn’t have many friends as a child and I guess I’m just afraid of losing this group. But I can’t carry on feeling so unhappy when we get together.

If you're ready to walk anyway, you can't lose anything by calling her out (by deadpan asking her to repeat and explain the "joke").

And/or you could just arrange a group situation without her, and mention to everyone that you're not inviting her for obvious reasons. From what you say, they won't need to ask why.

🤣🤣 love these suggestions!

What’s that saying , something like ‘ ooh
Sandra ‘ does being that rude come naturally or do you work hard at it ‘.
i think it’ll only take one rebuff OP and she’ll back off .

I had a very similar experience about ten years ago and I decided to walk away from the group. It still sometimes stings a bit when some of them post things on social media about their nights out / Incredible friendship etc, but I just remind myself that when I was on those nights out, everyone was mainly just focused taking photos for Facebook, and I always came away feeling rubbish after some comment or other that she had made.

I did try to meet up with a few of them separately from time to time after leaving the WhatsApp group etc but it was never quite the same and that's okay. I made new friends, who don't put me down or do everything for social media. I still see her behaviour from afar and think thank goodness I'm not in that orbit anymore!

Good luck x

Sorry you went through that @AmbitiousHalibut but a massive well done for walking away and not standing for it any more. Glad you’ve found much better friends.

I’m not sure when I’ll see Sandra and the others next but I’ll report back and let you all know how it goes.

This! My husband had a friend a few years ago who always made sarcastic or derogatory remarks to him. Same situation....group of friends, nobody else ever said anything. In the end, DH said to him " Does it make you feel better about yourself when you take the piss out of me? Because I don't find it funny even if you do" The other guy was stunned, and tried to say it was a joke. DH told him it was only a joke if it was funny, and it wasn't. He never did it again, and actually the only one in the group that DH keeps in touch with!

That reminds me of my dh. He had an old friend being really nasty to him. Dh did the concerned head tilt and said, are you ok mate? Well it all came out, the other guy was having a really shit time and perceived dh to be winning at life (he's not). Other guy couldn't stop apologising and was really upset.

Talk to someone in the group you are closest to and tell them how you feel.

They may feel similar or be prepared to defend you.
I don't think you should lose the whole group of people because of one person.

I had to work with a woman like this. She used to drive me mad. Eventually, I’d just say, “Could you repeat that, I didn’t hear you….” She’d have to repeat her ridiculous comment again. It always sounded more pathetic the second time round!