Brother is having an affair

[strayingsibling]

Met up with my brother for a drink this afternoon, first time in ages. We get on well but live a few hours apart. He was at an event near me last night so we arranged to meet up.

He’s late 40s, I’m a couple of years older. Our parents are dead and we have no other siblings. He dropped the bombshell that he’s seeing a woman he knows from a sport they both do, it’s been going on for almost 6 months. He was with her at the event last night. I knew he was unhappy in his marriage and was actually expecting him to tell me he and SIL were separating, but he says he has no intention of leaving her as it would be too disruptive for my niece, who is 14.

He says SIL is suspicious but he has been lying to her and has denied it when asked. SIL is a nice woman and we get on well. I know they are not right for each other but I feel pretty strongly that she does not deserve being gaslighted like this. I also think that the real reason he’s not being honest is that it’s highly convenient for him to have SIL at home to care for DN while he swans off with his OW.

The OW is 15 years younger than him and he says he knows it won’t last but needs to enjoy life (neither of our parents made it past 60 and this has affected his outlook on life). He’s quite starry- eyed about her.

I feel that it’s highly likely SIL will catch him out.The impact on my niece, knowing her father has been lying to her mother, is going to be devastating when she is already dealing with adolescence. It will probably ruin their relationship forever but he can’t seem to see this. I told him he needs to end his marriage and the affair, accept he’s had his fun and it’s over now and deal with his marriage breakdown like an adult. Maybe that way he can limit damage by never confessing the affair.

He’s my brother and I love him and I want him to be happy. But, honestly, what a twat he’s being. AIBU to feel that there is nothing I can do to make this better? Does anyone have any advice?

I have witnessed a situation where when the wife found out about the affair the cheater said "well so & so knew" (it was a friend not a relative). The wife's anger was then focussed on the friend's betrayal and not the husbands. It's just something to be aware of OP - you may be swept up in the fall out.

In this case the couple stayed together for another few years. The friend had discussed it with me when he found out - he was upset about the affair and didn't know whether to say something - he felt he'd want to know he'e been betrayed but equally he didn't want to chuck a hand grenade into their lives - so he didn't but distanced himself. Once the affair came out that was the end of the friendship.

I wouldn’t tell my SIL, my loyalty lies with my brother and also there’s no way I can say how SIL will take it, she might start thinking I ruined her marriage instead of the person who was cheating. But I would be telling him that I want nothing to do with it, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to hear about it and when the fall out happens, he’ll be on his own dealing with it. Only if I can d

I agree that telling your SIL is a step too far and not appropriate. It’s shitty that he’s made you aware of what he’s doing but that does make you responsible for everyone involved and it’s his marriage. Telling his SIL in this way would likely ruin his relationship with your niece irreparably and possibly damage her future relationships with men too. So I don’t agree with other posters urging you to do this. As his sister, all you can do is try to emphasise to him what he is at risk of losing (and the lasting damage this could do to his niece) and to break off the affair for good - it’s not love and he’s said himself it won’t last forever - and if he isn’t happy in his marriage, then it’s kinder to all involved to end it. If seeing this OW and having his DW look after his DD seems like a good solution now, he needs to instead think ahead when chances are he will end up a lonely old man with no one around him. That might be a sobering enough thought to snap him out of it

I cannot believe people are still saying to cover up for the brother. He could well be endangering his wife's life if he isn't using protection. Utterly deplorable and not something that loyalty should even come into. Sad that so many women will protect such a horrible man.

Stay out of it. It’s his business.

He is shagging a younger woman. That's all he can think about. Any consequences will be dealt with (or not) later.

Oh come on, endangering her life is a tad too far. The chances of the OW having a life threatening STI are next to none and if he’s at least a little bit sensible, he’ll he using protection anyway.

It isn’t deplorable not to tell her. Nobody appreciates the messenger in these situations. My DH went through it when he caught MIL having an affair as a teen. Literally saw her and the other man kissing. Told FIL thinking it was the right thing to do. MIL gaslighted DH, told FIL he was imagining it because he was drunk at the time. They didn’t break up until FIL himself caught them a couple of years later. It was his best friend as well.

These things always have a habit of coming out in the end. OP doesn’t need to put herself in the position of whistleblower.

Yes unfortunately this. He thinks he won’t get found out but he probably will. The risk of permanently damaging his daughter, his relationship with her and her own future relationships and trust of men doesn’t way up for him at the moment with the ‘benefit’ of the fun shagging.

I don’t think you can do more than you have done by spelling out your concerns. Maybe write it down to him expressing very clearly if you haven’t already. He can’t then say you didn’t warn him.

Your brother is so out of order, but no I don’t think there is anything you can do. I think when this does blow up reach out to the SIL & express your sorrow for how he’s treated her & that even though you love him don’t condone his actions & she didn’t deserve it. This will help validate her feelings & be of some comfort. Then make sure her niece has one decent member to her dad’s family. That she can reach for you be that as a mediation between her & her dad whilst they go through this rocky patch. He is being grossly unfair because next year this poor girl will have her GCSE’s. If any thought was given to leaving his wife he should leave his 25 yo girlfriend & stay in his marriage until she has done on of the most important things she’s yet to do.

This.... also, he gets to play happy families keeping living a double life, whilst wife is oblivious.

He's stopping her moving on, being happy and finding someone who loves and respects her
Your brother doesn't love or respect her, or his daughter it seems

Selfish, he needs to leave and let his wife have chance to find happiness

OP I am with you here. I think family is super important and the main concern is for your niece. I know if my sister was doing this I’d have stern words but ultimately would support her.

Have you asked him what his ideal scenario is? Divorce or repair his marriage?

He does need to stay in control of this, as you quite rightly point out the thing he is most in danger of here is ruining his relationship and impacting the well being of your niece.

I am setting aside the cheating on his wife because life isn’t perfect and neither are people. He knows what he is doing is wrong it’s how he brings the situation to a close in the right way so the damage is limited.

"The chances of the OW having a life threatening STI are next to none and if he’s at least a little bit sensible, he’ll he using protection anyway."

The man is obviously not sensible in any way, since he's quite happy to take the high risk of blowing up his kid's life because he likes fucking a younger woman and having his cake and eating it.

And the majority of male cheaters don't wear condoms, because they're thinking with their small head and how it feels. If the AP doesn't make him wear one, this idiot will be in there bare in a flash. He doesn't care a damn about anything but himself.

This carelessness is why married men are 4.6 times more likely to test positive for an STD in an emergency department than married women (12% vs 2.6%). Because the guys DO NOT wrap it up if they can get away with it.

And the statement "The chances of the OW having a life threatening STI are next to none" is utter rubbish. STD rates in the UK are high ("shockingly high" was the term used by the June 2024 press release about the UKHSA data) and they are rising. There were 400,000 new STD diagnoses in England alone in 2023, particularly for gonorrhoea and syphilis. And antibiotic resistance to gonorrhea is increasing.

Let's look at the life-threatening STD of human papilloma virus. HPV infections literally cause cancer in women, they cause 99% of cervical cancer cases. There are 3300 new cervical cancer cases in the UK annually, and 890 women die from cervical cancer every year. There is now a vaccine against HPV that prevents these infections - but is OP's SIL vaccinated? Most older women are not. OP's SIL hasn't been given the chance to protect herself from HPV and cervical cancer and premature death, because her fucking husband doesn't care.

Let's look now at the pain and suffering caused by STDs. In general, STDs hit women MUCH harder than men physically. Women are three times more likely to get infected from unprotected sex with a infected partner than men. They are much more likely to become infertile because of STIs. And untreated STIs - many of which are silent, especially in women - can cause very significant LONG TERM health problems in women such as pelvic inflammatory disease and chronic pain: on average, women lose 44 TIMES more quality-adjusted life years to chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and trichomoniasis than men.

And that's not even considering bacterial vaginosis, which is very common, bothersome, can be recurrent, and is increasingly antibiotic resistant. Condoms can help prevent reinfection - but does OP's SIL know that she's at risk of it? No, because of her fucking husband sneaking behind her back.

And then there's vaginitis caused by exposure to another woman's vaginal flora. It can include yeast infection and trichomoniasis, which can be exceedingly itchy and painful and difficult to treat, sometimes requiring many re-treatments. It can take dozens of medical appointments while feeling significant pain and itch for weeks to months to YEARS before the woman feels OK again. How very kind of OP's brother to expose SIL to this.

The risk of OP's SIL getting an STD, including HPV, and/or having her vaginal flora fucked up is not small, and the consequences will ONLY BE FELT BY HER.

This is not fucking fair, and it's abominable to downplay this risk to her health and well-being.

Well said, ifs disgusting what cheating men do to women, why people try to defend it. Or play it down is mind boggling

If this was my brother I'd be reading him the riot act

To focus on your actual AIBU "AIBU to feel that there is nothing I can do to make this better? Does anyone have any advice?"

Tell them/don't tell them; either way, it's shit. As you've decided not to say anything, when your niece finds out that you knew as well, she'll just lump you into the same boat as her dad, (given you are siblings) and will think you're shit too. 😑If you were to tell SIL/niece now, you may 'save' yourself in their eyes but potentially lose your DB...who has been incredibly helpful to you from what you've said. A horrible dilemma and one you should never have been put into.

Did he give you 'his reasons' for why he's shagging elsewhere? Did he give 'his version' of how their marriage has fallen apart sufficiently for him to justify shagging elsewhere? Unless his wife is a cheater too, or abusive there really is no excuse for his behaviour...he should be speaking to his wife about how he feels and whether he/they feel they can fix things rather than letting his penis boost his ego...

Tbf ethics are at the heart of this

I really don’t think the OP is coming back to her thread now, she hasn’t posted in over 2 weeks.