Brother is having an affair

[strayingsibling]

Met up with my brother for a drink this afternoon, first time in ages. We get on well but live a few hours apart. He was at an event near me last night so we arranged to meet up.

He’s late 40s, I’m a couple of years older. Our parents are dead and we have no other siblings. He dropped the bombshell that he’s seeing a woman he knows from a sport they both do, it’s been going on for almost 6 months. He was with her at the event last night. I knew he was unhappy in his marriage and was actually expecting him to tell me he and SIL were separating, but he says he has no intention of leaving her as it would be too disruptive for my niece, who is 14.

He says SIL is suspicious but he has been lying to her and has denied it when asked. SIL is a nice woman and we get on well. I know they are not right for each other but I feel pretty strongly that she does not deserve being gaslighted like this. I also think that the real reason he’s not being honest is that it’s highly convenient for him to have SIL at home to care for DN while he swans off with his OW.

The OW is 15 years younger than him and he says he knows it won’t last but needs to enjoy life (neither of our parents made it past 60 and this has affected his outlook on life). He’s quite starry- eyed about her.

I feel that it’s highly likely SIL will catch him out.The impact on my niece, knowing her father has been lying to her mother, is going to be devastating when she is already dealing with adolescence. It will probably ruin their relationship forever but he can’t seem to see this. I told him he needs to end his marriage and the affair, accept he’s had his fun and it’s over now and deal with his marriage breakdown like an adult. Maybe that way he can limit damage by never confessing the affair.

He’s my brother and I love him and I want him to be happy. But, honestly, what a twat he’s being. AIBU to feel that there is nothing I can do to make this better? Does anyone have any advice?

Simple. You say to brother that he has a week or you tell sil.

What is OW - 32, 33? If she wants DC she may have a very different view to his on where this should be going. Maybe point that out to him?

Keep out of it other than telling him your thoughts about it each time it comes up in conversation. It’s not your secret to tell and if it coming out does negatively impact your DN then you will be the cause of it.

I would not be part of deceiving my sister in law and so would let him know that he had to tell her or I would.

I would think so much less of him as a person.

Whilst I agree, I have over my years done this twice with close local friends.

both stayed with him initially and I was made to be wrong.

Would I tell a friend again? Hmmm, I only have a Few close friends now in my 40s and we have all said yes, we would want to know.

a brother who lives far away, you have told him what you think. my fear would be he makes you to be the liar, as they do, and you lose your sister in law, niece and your brother.

Your brother is a lying selfish worm. Sorry you had to find out this way.

I think you should try and put your niece first. Your brother doesn’t care about you, if he did he wouldn’t have put you in this position.

Plenty of men do cheat on their wives. Any intervention from you in terms of telling SIL would probably be unhelpful.

I’d probably focus on trying to get to know your niece a bit better.

My brother was having an affair and treating his long time g/f (over 25 years) really badly, making her question her sanity. My brother is a bully, a bore and hates being told what to do but I can remember asking him that it was perhaps time he treated his g/f with respect and end it rather than play games, that 25 years together should mean respect. He rushed the end of the call, pretty much putting the phone down on me but he must've gone away and thought about it and ended it very soon after.
That's as far as involvement can go I think, encourage him to do the right thing.. Your brother won't thank you for getting involved and your SIL may shoot the messenger but like others say, certainly not lie for him in any shape or form.

I think you should send him a version of your penultimate paragraph.

I know you've said that you feel you should persuade him to stop, but I doubt you can, and in your shoes I'd want to know no more about it.

Personally I'd send him a version of your penultimate paragraph but also say you love him dearly and want him to be happy but that you don't want to be complicit in his lying yo his wife and daughter and that you aren't going to discuss this with him again, and that if he does discuss it with you again you will tell his wife. That as much as you love him and will continue to love him and want a relationship, you dont want any involvement in his affair.

My Dad had an affair for years and gaslit my Mum over it. When they divorced and I found out it damaged our relationship so much it never recovered.

Maybe he doesn't care about sil but is he really prepared for his daughter to hate him forever over this "bit of fun"?

one of my best friends from school never forgave her father for the affair that pretty much changed her childhood. He’s long dead now, but the repercussions continue. Agree with you that he needs to leave, but sounds like he has no intention and then it will all blow up. That will have a far greater impact on his DD.

Going against the majority here but l wouldn't say anything. Obvs l'd let brother know l'm not supportive and don't want to hear any more about it but l know someone who did tell someone her partner was having an affair and to this day she regrets it. Wait for it to all come out , which from the sound of it won't be long, then be there for SIL if she wants the support.

Very hard and your brother is a prick for not only doing this but telling you

You support your brother. He's been open with you for a reason. Obviously it's not a good situation but it's hardly unique. He's confided in you, take that on board and support him during what is going to be his marriage break up. He hasn't done this for no reason.

Not only is your brother a cunt for the affair but also for happily burdening you with the information.

His arrogance in telling you is vile.

Your brother is a selfish creep. Your poor SIL and niece.

Stay out of it. Don't make yourself the bad boy which will probably happen

No. You cannot make it better. Anything other than exerting subtle pressure to do the right thing is going to end badly.

I suspect he’s told you do you are compelled to do his dirty work. Don’t.

Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. Lots of food for thought. I will see how I feel in the morning.

When my sister found out her husband was cheating on her, she said it was made even worse that several people know about the affair and no one told her. I didn’t know, so I couldn’t have said anything, but it made me wonder what I would have done had I known.

Don’t wade in here. Before you know it SIL will be expecting you to be her confidant, even if it’s only to keep close and in the loop. He’s your brother, even if he’s acting like a right wanker

She's probably going to find out that you knew. Just be prepared for that. He might even say you made him tell her.

I wouldn't be surprised if he says you knew all about it when it comes out.

Having an affair is like letting off a grenade in your family. I am a child of a parent who had an affair. The main concern has to be his DD / your niece getting through her GCSEs. It's such a crappy thing for him to be doing.

What's the point in this post, you have no intention of telling your SIL.

For me I would be ex communicating him but then again my SIL's are like family to me, many years under the bridge and the love for my nieces and nephews is incredibly important.

You don't sound so close, so being estranged from your niece and SIL won't be such a biggie.

What a horrid brother, you must be so proud, the fact he so easily confessed to you makes me think he knows you also have strange family values.

Sorry but this post says nothing much of your values, even for all your protestations of it being bad behaviour, it just sounds like you want to gossip.

Have you met the other woman op , was she pleasant enough? Can you see a future for her and your brother?