To push back on my brother’s message apologising for my niece being rude

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

It was my niece’s third birthday party today. Loads of kids at their house, family members and loads of cake and sweets. By the end of the party you could tell my niece was just done in, happy but exhausted. As we said bye they asked her to give me a hug and kiss and say thank you for the presents I gave her. She says thank you for the gifts but won’t give me a hug or a kiss. I say it’s fine (and it genuinely was), but her parents got really angry at her and said she was being rude.

I am really concerned about this. I don’t want her to think that she has to give other people things like hugs and kisses or she’s “rude”. I’m fine with her not doing that, she’s usually really cuddly and was obviously just overstimulated. AIBU to push back? I don’t have children so I don’t know if I am.

Maybe explain to your brother about the whole concept of not demanding kids give physical affection and it's OK for them to have boundaries? maybe he's not aware of it. Tell him she was polite and you were fine with it.

I would have, and indeed have said similar, “oh no, she shouldn’t be asked to hug anyone! It’s completely up to her, I’m going to blow her a kiss/offer a high five (do it, smile whatever the response including none) and say thanks for having me to your party”.

Absolute madness we bang on about teaching kids bodily autonomy and then people try and force young kids, especially girls, to prioritise other people’s feelings over their comfort.

AIBU to push back? I don’t have children so I don’t know if I am.

You haven't said how you 'pushed back'?

Your poor niece. She's three it's her birthday...too much for her and honestly totally understand why a small child of 3 or tbh a lot older say no to a kiss and hug. Her body her choice and that really important. Yanbu. Your poor neice

Poor child. I think the moment has now passed but it would be fine to speak up if it comes up again.

no this is so minor, don’t give your DB a hard time over it.

Just turned 3, obviously tired and overwhelmed, being made to say thank you AND hug and kiss someone else, is so so off!!

Your brother needs educating on why we must never tell children to hug and kiss other adults. Poor little girl with an idiot for a father.

YANBU OP.

I would consider it a positive to teach a girl that it is OK to refuse physical contact she is uncomfortable with. It's good to have boundaries, even when you are 3. She said thank you, so was polite.

No way would I force little kids to give me a hug and a kiss if they didn't want to!!

I have a niece this age. Sometimes she wants to give me a hug, sometimes she doesn't. My brother and sil would never force her to give me a hug/kiss. They wouldn't make a deal out of it.

I would have a word. Just an easy breezy no Biggie and say, please don't force dn to give me a hug or kiss as it's not an issue for me and she should know as young as possible that she doesn't have to hug and kiss everyone who asks.

I think this is the sort of thing you say in the moment, not something you bring up several days later and make an issue of

Even my own children when aged three would sometimes refuse to give me a kiss or hug when tired. What sort of lesson is it to require a young child to give a kiss or hug on demand?

Is your brother generally quite concerned about what people think of him/giving the impression of having the perfect family?

Forget about it. Your niece and her Dad probably have. Sometimes my granddaughter declines to give me a hug and a kiss and thats fine x

Depends how you want to push back.
I’d avoid criticising the adult’s behaviour, but go in strong with praising how DN is growing into a young lady able to respect her own boundaries, how brilliant and useful this is, and maybe wonder if they’ve been teaching DN this.
ie catching using a carrot rather than a stick

100% this.

As someone who was made to kiss the creepy uncle (because otherwise it was 'rude') which morphed over time into a very great deal worse, we need to be teaching children they should never be forced into physical contact they do not consent to.

I had a friend that used to do this with their kids when I dropped off birthday/ Christmas gifts….

it gave me such an ick …. Swapping gifts for cuddles and kisses 🤮

of course they should be taught to say thank you… but no thanks to anything else

I just used to say “a thank you is fine !’ And change the subject…

but I completely agree with you

I think being "really concerned" is a massive overreaction. At the time I would have said "oh no it's absolutely fine, of course she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to to". But I certainly wouldn't be raising it as an issue afterwards.

they shouldnt call her rude but i wouldnt say anything uhnless it happens again

I’ve texted him back basically expressing how uncomfortable it’s made me and that I don’t want her to feel pressured to display affection

What does this pushing back look like? Will you be reaching out to confront them?

If you feel the need to say something, you could phrase it along the lines of - lovely party, it’s great to see Mavis growing up and making decisions about what does and doesn’t feel ok for her. Just so you know, I would never get upset if she doesn’t want to hug me, I’m just really proud of the little girl you’re raising her to be xxx

I think what @LeafyMcLeafFace said is spot on.

I wouldn't be too impressed with a sibling criticising my parenting to be honest. Its not your child and you'll possibly only damage your relationship with the parents. Yes, we all have a responsibility to be alert for children's welfare and take action but I wouldn't be 'pushing back' and advising on how they should parent their child.

Also, if this is the only issue you have with their parenting, bear in mind they're probably done in after the party and a bit cross and snappy in general. We all get things wrong as parents and don't always need it pointing out! If it happened again, I'd gently say something as per PPs. I'd probably have let it go this time though.

on the contrary, it is major.
We must teach children about bodily autonomy from the get-go. No child should be forced/coerced into physical contact with anyone ever.

This. Two of the most irritating and meaningless phrases ever invented.

For future reference this was really good advice. No one appreciates a dressing down about their parenting.

I dont think you should consider it pushing back, but you can explain that it was fine and no one should be expected to hug or kiss if they don't want to.