To push back on my brother’s message apologising for my niece being rude

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

It was my niece’s third birthday party today. Loads of kids at their house, family members and loads of cake and sweets. By the end of the party you could tell my niece was just done in, happy but exhausted. As we said bye they asked her to give me a hug and kiss and say thank you for the presents I gave her. She says thank you for the gifts but won’t give me a hug or a kiss. I say it’s fine (and it genuinely was), but her parents got really angry at her and said she was being rude.

I am really concerned about this. I don’t want her to think that she has to give other people things like hugs and kisses or she’s “rude”. I’m fine with her not doing that, she’s usually really cuddly and was obviously just overstimulated. AIBU to push back? I don’t have children so I don’t know if I am.

Absolutely agree. I would be pretty taken aback and offended to receive a message from a sibling criticising how I parent.

You are totally correct, but also she’s just turned 3, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to lie on the floor kicking and screaming at the end of her party because she’s just tired and overstimulated! Does he not realise this?

Id have just said, its OK sweetheart. You dont have to give me a hug, but youre very welcome. And blown her a kiss.

Completely agree with your position

Your OP isn’t very clear on this, but the subject line implies that your brother messaged you after the party to apologise again for his daughter’s ‘rudeness’? In which case I think it’s absolutely fine for you to text back saying that it really wasn’t rude, and that you’re much happier to see her being able to express her own preference than feeling forced into giving a hug. If your brother hadn’t brought it up again I would leave it, but since he did… 🤷‍♀️

Her parents got really angry?

Poor child 😢.

Tell your brother you never want a child to feel compelled to hug or kiss you or anyone else . That she was polite about saying thank you even though she was clearly exhausted,

I hate that forced kissing and hugging and I’m sure many of us were forced to do it as children and hated it. And then got accused of being too shy. Like a PP said, high-five, a wave or a blowing a kiss are all fine alternatives to forcing bodily contact. I probably wouldn’t say anything on this one-off bit of it happened again then I would directly say tell your brother the toddler does not need to be forced to kiss and hug. You sound like a very thoughtful aunt btw!

Good for you! Poor kid.

Although I don't disagree with you, I don't think that will land very well if you gave him what is essentially parenting advice. These things tend to work better if you make it about yourself eg I don't want her to think of cuddling me as a chore/ favour/payment for gift or whatever, I want her to cuddle me when she wants to. Making it a general affection giving is likely to be received as advice on a subject you don't know about.

She's 3!! Your brother is being daft

I thought you were going to say she hud behind her mother's legs and refused to say goodbye!
She thanked you and said goodbye nicely - that is fine! I am in my 30s and am not a hugger with few exceptions. I am not rude at all!

Their child their rules

IMO her age and the situation is irrelevant. No child, in fact no person should ever be made to feel they have to give physical affection they don’t want to give.

I don’t think the time has passed for you to raise it with your brother. Explain how this sort of behaviour can lead to issues if she is ever in a situation with boys/men where she might feel she has to kiss or more even if she is comfortable because she has never been given the confidence to say no.

You'd think it would occur to these people that no-one wants to be kissed by a child who clearly doesn't want to kiss them (unless they're some kind of pervert).

What possible meaning or pleasure could be derived from such an unhappy interaction?

I get that to an extent, but when it’s something like this I feel like the entire family has a duty to step in and say something.

Next time what if it’s someone with bad intentions? What if she starts to believe she owes people affection? If people take advantage of this? It makes me sick to think

I think you did well OP. Hopefully your brother receives the message in the spirit it was intended.

I have done the same with my niece "oh she only needs to hug me if she wants to, it's OK to say no"

He probably didn't think about it, but it's important that small children know they have bodily autonomy.

And yet if a child decides they don’t ever want to eat vegetables or they want to go on their iPad for a couple of hours it’s suddenly acceptable for parents to override bodily autonomy and enforce good polite behaviour

So at what age do you think it’s reasonable for a child to assert that they don’t want to have physical contact with someone?

Yes, sometimes parents do have to overrule a child’s bodily autonomy (health, safety, hygiene), but hugging and kissing other people is not an essential and should never be forced.

Exactly this.

You're right, parents are wrong on this.
Her body, her choice. We should never force children to ignore their own feelings of discomfort, and they should feel entirely comfortable saying no to physical contact with anyone at any time if they don't want it. That confidence in saying no to adults is hugely protective when it comes to abuse risk.

My 13 year old grandson has suddenly grown up & when we met recently my DIL said to give granny a kiss & thank her for the sweets. He refused. I said that was OK perhaps he might like to shake hands instead. This was fine. I would never push a child to hug and/or kiss someone if they didn't feel comfortable with it.

I think you've misunderstood the nuance here. There is potential harm from making a child have physical contact with someone when they're not comfortable with it, surely you can see that? No child was harmed by eating veg or having their electronics removed. Even a 3 year old can tell the difference between their own body and an ipad!

There’s different levels though isn’t there?

Being able to say no to unwanted bodily contact is important

I’d have addressed it at the time, no need to text and make it an even bigger thing.

This is rather muddled thinking.

Preventing children from eating too much rubbish food and spending too much time on electronics is because it’s better for their health- the parents know more than the children about this.

Insisting children hug people they don’t want to hug is not good for their health- quite the opposite.

No parent should force a child to show affection to anyone when they don't want to. It takes away the child's own boundaries. Children have to know it's ok not to do something they don't want to & that they won't be scolded for it. Have a quiet word with your Brother explaining that you're totally fine with your Niece not wanting to hug you & you're pleased she's strong enough to set her boundaries & not feel she has to please adults around her. Let him know that his child is showing great maturity at a young age by standing up for herself & that she should be praised & encouraged for it.