To be disgusted by who I used to be…

[Hideawayday]

I know people will see this as an excuse, but I feel the need to give some context.

My mum was emotionally abusive to me growing up, and this peaked in my teen years, when she would name call, and would with-hold essential toiletries etc. I absolutely despised myself and ended up with eating disorders. I hated my reflection, because of who I believed I was on the inside as well as on the outside. My mum was extremely controlling and I never got to really have proper friendships as a result. This also made me feel worthless.

I left home in my teen years and ended up drinking to excess. I would never remember anything from Friday and Saturday nights and slept with lots of men. One thing that particularly troubles me, was an older colleagues husband. I remember one night, he was following me home. I asked him to stop, and he wouldn’t. I asked him so many times to leave me alone and he continued to follow and said he wouldn’t. If I’m honest, I don’t remember what happened when I got home except from that he definitely was there. I woke up and he was gone and I felt violated.

I am now happily married with two kids, but the more years that pass, the more sickened I feel by what I have done in my life. I was completely wreckless and had zero morals and self respect.

I’ve tried counselling a number of times but it really hasn’t helped me. I’ve stuck with it. I’ve been positive going into it. I end up feeling worse. I don’t know how to come to terms with who I was.

Have you had therapy OP? you certainly weren’t responsible for the incident with your colleagues husband either

I don’t think you did anything particularly wrong and I do think you need to stop fixating on it. We’ve all done things we regret as younger people, irrespective of our upbringings. I once said something so awful to someone I cringe every time I remember it; I didn’t mean it in the way it came out but it still has the power to make me want to wither up and die. All I can do is make sure I think before I speak in future.

Others may disagree but I don’t think counselling is good because it will encourage you to fixate on it more, not less!

Therapy would certainly help you understand that you made the choices you did then based on trying to survive when you lived at home, and trying to find happiness when you left home. You have nothing to be ashamed of and your mind – your subconscious – needs to know that.

A good start is to understand your core beliefs; the way you learnt to view yourself and others in your formative years. This is a good guide;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

It's a very common theme for girls who's upbringing has caused low self esteem. You're far from alone in that past, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, its just a reflection of a troubled upbringing.

You poor thing. Withheld period products I guess? How awful for you. As an adult, what would you say to yourself as a child, if you could meet 15 year old you? Would you tell her how worthless she was? Or would you hug her and tell her that she is the opposite of worthless?

I didn't have the same upbringing as you but also drank to excess and ended up in some awful situations (some of which I don't remember much of) so I empathise.

Honestly quite a lot of the issues I had were really down to the behaviour of predatory men. You were NOT to blame for your sleazy, rapey colleague's husband who no doubt took advantage of you.

Having said that, drinking too much and sleeping with men are not crimes. Forgive yourself, everyone does things they wish they hadn't. It's not who I am now and it's not who you are. It doesn't define us.

I’m sorry for what you went through 😔Therapy isn’t always the best thing to help recovery; depending on your experiences you might do better learning how to master emotional regulation. Have a look at the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube; she has practical techniques that can really helpXxx

I think you have to let yourself off the hook OP and be proud of the person that you are today. None of the things that you mention are worthy of your continuing punishment of yourself.
You were a child who needed care and love. I’m sure that as a parent you can see that and you will strive to be the opposite of your own mother.
It’s really hard to sit with your past trauma and reliving it and talking about it isn’t for everyone.

It's not your fault OP.

When you are cut adrift by your parents, the very people who should be there supporting you , and educating you, and helping you to negotiate life, then how can you be expected to make good decisions? How can you be expected to know how to cope with situations?
It's not your fault.
I agree with the pp who suggested counselling.
Fwiw my whole life is regret and shame .
But I at least recognise now I was badly let down by people who should have loved me better.

OP, you had an abusive childhood. It is very likely that the stuff you did in your teens was a reaction to that and an attempt to process it and make sense in some way.
Whatever happened with your colleague’s husband was not your fault. He is the one to blame. His behaviour was vile and predatory.
Would you feel able to talk about it to a therapist/counsellor? It’s a lot to carry about with you, you are a good person who deserves to be happy.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t see your behaviour as an excuse. I see it as a reason.

I think this is key - if you could meet yourself then you wouldn't to shame her and tell her she was a bad person, you'd want to tell her she didn't deserve what she'd been through and was worth so much more.

I think everyone has regrets in life but you have to think its because of them regrets you are the person you are today. You say you are happy with where you are now think of it like the butterfly effect if your life had been different earlier on it would likely be different now.

Sendings hugs OP.

As another PP said if you met your younger self now you would be supporting her, not berating her. Be kind to yourself.

I agree with @W0tnow (above). Forgive yourself, OP. Look how far you've come!

I have a similar story to yours re my teens: poor choices, sleeping around, after my self-esteem was completely destroyed. What started me turning the corner was when I was talking to DH about it a few years ago and he said "It wasn't your fault" and I said "Yeah, but I did [that]" and he said "It wasn't your fault". He kept this up for TWO HOURS until the penny finally dropped for me. So I haven't had proper therapy but this helped me, and the other thing has been learning about forgiveness. So your mum, who did you wrong - maybe she'd had an awful upbringing herself? Maybe there's a way to understand why she chose to be such an awful mother to you. Or maybe she was mentally ill. Whatever, it doesn't matter - the point is that if you can forgive her you can leave the guilt of your behaviour in the past, forgive yourself, and move on. Best wishes x

Apologies, have just seen you’re having counselling. It’s ok to take a break from it if you don’t feel that it’s working or you’re not in the right place for it at the current time x

You survived a sad childhood with an abusive mum, who must have had her own problems, you had a troubled younger life where your self esteem was on the floor, and have managed to build up a good life for yourself.
I think you are brilliant.

I’m glad you’re having counselling. You are being incredibly unkind to yourself. This man took advantage of a vulnerable young woman, the shame is his, not yours. I’m so sorry your mum put you through all that

Be proud of the fact you turned your life around and forgive yourself for how you were before. That’s not you now and that’s what counts.

OP, I also had an abusive upbringing with a mother who was BPD/NPD (EUPD now). You were trying your best to live, to soothe your pain, to connect. And you succeeded because you are now a happily married mother. How would that teenager look at you now? You have achieved so much, and your earlier self brought you to where you are now. You didn't have the luxury of developing normally so you had to do it your own way. (And the behaviour of others was not your fault.) Give yourself understanding and kindness.

Please remember how different society was and this type of behaviour was applauded and encouraged. Lots of tv shows and movies show how women were expected to be carefree and easy. You didn’t have anyone to guide you in the right direction so did what you thought was cool and fun. Your regret now just shows how much you’ve grown and changed, be proud of that.

If you've not got parents who actually want the best for you, then this is what happens. This is not your fault. Other people have parents who make sure to collect them from nights out, rather than leaving them to the predatory men who take advantage of your youth, inexperience with alcohol and lack of self-esteem.

The shame is on your parents, not you. And that man - he followed you, not the other way around. And your youth, inexperience with alcohol and lack of self-esteem was what a) attracted him and b) led to whatever happened.

Whenever you find your thoughts going back to it, turn the shame on him and your parents. You left home because your home life was miserable. That's on them, not you. You left home when you were too young to cope properly and this is the upshot. None of this is your fault, and I'm sure you are a million times a better parent than yours ever were.

Both good people and bad people do bad things.
Bad people don’t feel guilty about them. Good people do and strive to be better. It sounds like you have already done this so you need to make your peace with it. The colleague’s husband was at fault in that situation, not you

You were really vulnerable op...be kind to yourself

drinking so much as a young person really isn’t the sin you seem to think it is. it was your way of coping and even though it obviously wasn’t the best coping mechanism you absolutely shouldn’t feel shame for it - you were muddling through as best as you could and you survived that phase and have come through it stronger.

that man was a predator and obviously wanted to coerce you into sexual activity. lots of women have experienced similar and the thing all those instances have in common is that it was the offender who was shameful not the woman.