I know people will see this as an excuse, but I feel the need to give some context.
My mum was emotionally abusive to me growing up, and this peaked in my teen years, when she would name call, and would with-hold essential toiletries etc. I absolutely despised myself and ended up with eating disorders. I hated my reflection, because of who I believed I was on the inside as well as on the outside. My mum was extremely controlling and I never got to really have proper friendships as a result. This also made me feel worthless.
I left home in my teen years and ended up drinking to excess. I would never remember anything from Friday and Saturday nights and slept with lots of men. One thing that particularly troubles me, was an older colleagues husband. I remember one night, he was following me home. I asked him to stop, and he wouldn’t. I asked him so many times to leave me alone and he continued to follow and said he wouldn’t. If I’m honest, I don’t remember what happened when I got home except from that he definitely was there. I woke up and he was gone and I felt violated.
I am now happily married with two kids, but the more years that pass, the more sickened I feel by what I have done in my life. I was completely wreckless and had zero morals and self respect.
I’ve tried counselling a number of times but it really hasn’t helped me. I’ve stuck with it. I’ve been positive going into it. I end up feeling worse. I don’t know how to come to terms with who I was.